1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Fiction Qupakoco's Qapricious Qontest Entries

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by Qupakoco, Mar 13, 2017.

  1. Qupakoco
    Skink Chief

    Qupakoco Keeper of the Dice Staff Member

    Messages:
    1,871
    Likes Received:
    1,166
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Here's a collection of my contest entries. I'll run through and add comments and responses.

    From the "Chameleons" themed April-May 2015 contest.

    Damn, it was hot. It was getting dark. Roderick looked uneasy. He was fiddling with something in his hands. A luck charm from his mother most likely. I knew he wasn’t comfortable in these lands. It was understandable however. My first expedition found me more nervous than anytime I could remember. The creatures here are something you only hear about back in Kislev. We are trained though. We know what they look like. We know how they fight. We know their weaknesses and their strengths. We know their abundance of gold. And we know to avoid them if at all possible. But that’s why my small detachment was sent inland ahead of the main force; to find them before they find us.

    “The Chaos Moon in rising. We should have plenty of light for the watch.” I said softly, hoping to ease Roderick’s mind. No fire tonight. We can’t afford to be discovered this close to the ruins.

    Roderick turned to me, meeting my eyes with his. In a quiet bewildered voice he said, “There are only five of us. I’ve heard that they have monsters as tall as three men. We’re… we’re doomed if they catch us.”

    That sent an unnerving shiver up my spine. I’ve seen a detachment of Ogres in battle before. They were monsters in their own right. But the brutes here... they’re animals. They don’t understand words. They don’t speak. They bellow and roar. It’s terrifying. Stomping and biting with their toothy grins, only using their weapons when they realize there is something heavy chained to their hands. The memories of them are unpleasant, to say the least.

    “Roderick, we’ll be fine. We have an army at our backs! Not to mention the finest Ungol archers that we’ve ever assembled. Those creatures won’t make it 10 paces out of the tree line.” Sometimes being a captain means lying to keep morale up. Being this far from home, this far South, makes it difficult at times. I decided to change the topic.

    Using my rank to get things going, I asserted to the men beside me. “Asger, you’re up. You and Gunnar have the first watch. Let’s start the rotation. Torbjorn is next. Let’s get some rest.”

    Asger responded, “Aye sir. Gunnar, get your bow.” Gunnar was as good of a shot as any. I’ve seen him fire 3 arrows into a target at 100 paces, the last arrow leaving his bow before the first arrow found its mark.

    I laid down for my brief rest. 2 hours before it’s my turn to wait at the ready. I rolled to my side, seeing Torbjorn was already out. Roderick was still sitting upright, fiddling with his trinket. “Roderick, get some shut-eye.” He turned his head towards me one last time and nodded. He seemed fine on the ship. Heck, he was fine the first few nights in this blistering hot land. Ever since we found this ruin he’s been tense. I rolled my back to him and closed my eyes for the night.

    ----------------------------------------------------

    Someone was shaking me… I sprung upright, my hand on my dagger instinctively. I had the blade pressed to his side before I realized who it was. Torbjorn looked amused. “Let sleeping dogs lie, hey cap’n?” He knew I couldn’t hurt him. The man was a giant. Chuckling he spoke again, “I couldn’t wake the greenhorn.” pointing half-heartedly at Roderick.

    I shook my head. It was throbbing. Sleeping on this soil isn’t my idea of comfortable. Not that the sleep in this sweltering jungle is pleasant, but it should be Roderick’s turn. I reached over to Roderick and placed a hand on his shoulder… Something was wrong. He felt cold. I looked at Torbjorn, “Did he seem sick to you today?” Pulling a piece of jerky from his mouth, Torbjorn shrugged, “He seemed sick ever since we left the fjord.” He turned his back to us and returned to his watch. I looked to Gunnar. He was crawling into his sack already. He shrugged as well, then rolled his back to us. I placed a hand on Roderick’s neck. He had a pulse, but his skin was so cold. He wouldn’t make it through the night. I began looking for some water to try to wake him.

    I was hunched over his body when I saw it. Roderick’s talisman. It’s wasn’t from Kislev. It was made of pure gold with emeralds peppering its exterior. It was shaped like a snake. I froze. I knew immediately what was going on. We weren’t alone.

    I slowly lifted my head and looked into the tree line. The moonlight lit the trees elegantly, but there was nothing there. Keeping my gaze locked and looking for movement, I said quietly, “Torbjorn, wake the others. We need to be prepared.”

    A moment passed. Torbjorn didn’t respond. “Tor…” I turned my head towards his position. He was slumped over. This wasn’t good.

    I slowly reached for my dagger. As soon as I placed my hand on the hilt, I felt something cold and damp grasp my wrist. I was paralyzed from fear.

    “Nnooohh…” a raspy voice slowly said in my ear. Its breath was wretched. I felt a sharp point pressing against my side. I was in no position to argue. I eased my grip on my dagger.

    The creature kept its position. “Sssotek…” it whispered. I didn’t understand. I wasn’t prepared for a conversation. I had no way of communicating. I responded, “So Talk?” This seemed pleasing to the beast, as it eased its grip on my wrist.

    Suddenly there were four more figures in front of me! I did not see them approach; they just appeared as if they were some sort of apparitions! I was horribly underprepared for this! They were small, maybe a good foot or more shorter than myself. They were definitely of the draconian race, but they were uglier than others I had encountered before. Their eyes… they didn’t seem normal. They bulged out of their heads and were covered in skin. It was repulsive! And to think one was touching my wrist! Why was I not dead?

    One of the figures approached my position. It walked so quietly, no wonder we didn’t notice their approach. And its legs moved like nothing I have ever seen. Slowly but quickly, as if jerking into place almost. It crouched down to my level, Roderick between it and myself. This one’s breath was no better than the others. “Ssssssotek…” it said, the beginning of the phrase sounding that of a snake hissing at its prey.

    I looked downward towards Roderick’s talisman, then back at the creature. It seemed to grin slightly, as if it knew what I was thinking. I slowly reached my free hand down to Roderick, prying the talisman from his seemingly lifeless grip. The creature had one eye fixed on me and the other on my hand. How terrible it must be to have such an existence. I raised my hand slowly, with my palm open. With its eyes fixed in the same position, it gently reached out and took the golden trinket from me. With the item returned to its possession, it snapped both eyes back to me. I saw it grin and flick its tongue, before it stepped back towards its companions. As it did I felt the weapon at my side pierce my skin momentarily, then I was released.

    I pulled my dagger out once my hand was free, determined to free the creature that apprehended me from its earthly bonds. I turned quickly with my blade ready to plunge, but it was gone! I turned back to my front only to see a glimpse of movement, then nothing. As if the creatures had become invisible! I was infuriated!

    I stood to my feet and looked at my men. They were none wiser. I turned to Torbjorn to check on him when I felt it. My vision became cloudy, my head was dizzy. Then I collapsed.

    ----------------------------------------------------

    It was hot. Someone was shaking me. I involuntarily gasped for air as I reached for my dagger, but my muscles felt like they were on fire! It was as if I had drank an entire barrel of mead by myself. I could hear Asger yelling desperately, “Captain! Captain! You’re alive!”

    He pulled me upright and threw water in my face. I needed it badly. It helped stave off the heat momentarily, if nothing else. I regained my vision slowly.

    “A…Asger.” I said. “We need to… need to report back to the main force. It’s not safe.” I could see the camp had already been cleaned up. There looked to have been heavy foot traffic since last I remembered.

    “The forward troops are already here, sir. It’s too late to report back.” Asger said bluntly. “Roderick is dead. Tor and Gunnar can’t be woken. We must have stumbled into something that got the best of us. I couldn’t find it in me to leave you here to be eaten by some wild beast. I’m sorry sir.”

    I looked at Asger. “It was no accident, my friend. They know. Prepare for war.” He looked back at me intensely. “Go tell the Commander, Asger.” I ordered. He got up and ran in the direction of the foot traffic. I plopped back onto the dirt, staring into the cloudless sky. Damn, it’s hot.

    My thoughts going into this one were largely influenced by watching the show Vikings. I wanted to emulate a new world, borrow some traditional Viking names, and demonstrate how hopeless it is to venture into the territory of the Lizardmen. I dropped the word "Southern" into the title to imply that they were venturing into The Southlands, making the trip from Kislev seem more practical. My main focus besides all that setup was to demonstrate the Predator type hunting abilities of the Chameleon Skink. Even though they're flimsy and pathetic in close combat, their strength is their ability to remain unknown. The commandos of the Lizardmen army. After that things just flowed.

    From the "Hope/Vengeance" themed January-February 2017 contest.

    Kytzl stopped suddenly on the path. The divining rod began to hum. “That’s new”, he said. He looked back at his lifelong companion, Trakzi. Her massive head was cocked to the side, listening to the unusual humming. She tried to mimic the noise, though her oversized vocal chords couldn’t quite reach that high of a note. The Oracle of the East smiled, yet felt uneasy. Usually the winds of magic were soft on his scales, feeling the gentle pull of the Old Ones guidance to a sacred item. But with this hunt the winds were strong. Sharp even. He could feel the presence in the air when he flicked his tongue, and it stung. “Is this treasuretainted? Where has Sotek sent us?” he thought.

    A hissing noise broke his line of thought. He looked back again to see Trakzi drooling. Her acidic spit was reacting with the foliage below her, burning away plant life and curdling leaves.

    “What is it girl?” Kytzl quipped. The Troglodon kneeled and lowered her head, inviting her master to her back for safety. Kytzl took the cue and scampered up her spines. Trakzi straightened herself to all fours. Her spines frilled as her head became fixed in one area of the overgrowth. Although she was blind, Kytzl knew she had tracked something. Judging by her behavior they were in for a fight. Kytzl assumed his footing and tightened his grip. He muttered softly, “Get it, girl.”

    Trakzi lunged forward, exploding with power. Her jaws made a quick snap into the overgrowth. Kytzl couldn’t see what it was that she had found but he felt that there was a creature in her grip. Trakzi shook her head side to side, violently punishing the poor beast that she had discovered. She took a few slow steps back from the overgrowth and tossed her broken toy to the side. It was a rat. A filthy scavenger. The foul vermin stood no chance against Trakzi. His body was completely shredded, yet cauterized from the spit that was foaming from Trakzi’s mouth. Kytzl was enraged. “How are they this deep into the jungle!” he exclaimed.

    He moved to step down from her back, wanting to inspect the lifeless corpse. As he stepped he felt Trakzi’s body tense up. This wasn’t over. “She’s right,” he thought, “where there is one rat there are bound to be others…”

    The divining rod’s humming was getting louder. It was making Trakzi restless. “Easy, girl” Kytzl said softly, attempting to calm his companion. Trakzi’s spines flared up. She swung her head to the path, casting a gazeless stare towards an unseen foe. That’s when he heard it. The relic. It was in his head. Kytzl closed his eyes and listened, seeing a plaque. Gold with white. Silver with red. Black yet clear. It was as if it didn’t exist on this plane at all. He focused harder, seeing, listening, tasting. He felt he could understand the symbols. He focused. Focus. Focus…

    His body went limp. He slid to the ground beside Trakzi. She swung her head back to feel with her whiskers, finding her faithful and benevolent master sprawled on the ground. The divining rod was humming so loud that it was almost a scream. Trakzi could hear nothing but rod. Her mind was scrambled. But she could smell. And she smelled more rats. Lots of rats.

    She turned her head back to the path. They were coming. She could smell them. She could feel them in the earth. She could taste them on the air. She reared up on her hind legs, letting her full height come to bear. She knew the rats could see her. She wanted them to despair.

    Taking a large breath she fell back to her forearms and let out and ear shattering roar. The very leaves around her shook. Rocks on the path rattled and moved. She could smell the rat’s fear. She could feel the pitter patter of their feet as they ran. All ran. All but two. One small, one large. It was time to defend her master’s unconscious body.

    First the footsteps of the larger rat were slow. Paced. Then they quickened. It was running straight towards her. She could feel the steps in the earth, step, stomp, stomp, similar pacing to the Kroxigor who washed her hide and fought alongside her in many battles. She straightened out in the direction of the stomps and spat. She mucous left her jaws and painted her target. The running became fumbled, clumsy. Now she could smell the rat without question. Two tail lengths in from of her. Perfect.

    She lunged forwards with her claws first, slashing at the oversized rat. Her left forearm stuck low and she felt a warm spray on the bottom of her neck. Her right forearm struck high, but was met with a sharp unholy pain. This creature had more arms than she had anticipated. She could feel the breeze of the rats furied strikes before they came close to hitting her hide. If only she could hear!

    This fight had gone on long enough. She opened her massive mouth and clamped. She was on one of the rat’s shoulders. It tasted foul. It made her angry. She shook her head violently and the creature struck desperately at her thick hide. A sharp stab in the left side of her neck only increased her anger. She shook harder yet and could feel the life of the rat fading rapidly. She shook until the beast was limp in her jaws. She needed to get back to Kytzl. She dropped the lifeless rat to the earth and turned back to her master.

    The divining rod was so loud that she couldn’t even hear her own heartbeat now. As she moved, she felt dizzy. The rat had hit a sensitive part of her neck. She could taste her own blood mixing in with the mucous and bile from the ratkin. Ratkin. Where was the other rat! She tried to hurry her pace back to the Oracle, but something was wrong. The ground was moving. What was happening? Suddenly, she was falling. Did she slip? She clawed in desperation, trying to find something to hold on to. She was panicking! What is happening!?

    There was a stillness for a moment. Calm. She remembered being in the swamps with her master, soaking in the sun. She was calm. Then the earth slammed shut around her.

    Kytzl felt a sharp pain in his heart. He opened his eyes to see that he wasn’t with his girl. Where was she. The divining rod was screaming in his hand. He looked up to see a rat with a staff standing near him. He sprung to his feet, holding the divining rod ready for attack. The Warpseer yelled in Lizard-tongue, “Your overgrown lizard is now a feast for the Great Horned Rat!” He pointed off to his right. Kytzl barely heard him over the screaming of the divining rod, but he understood. He looked over, seeing the twin tail of his loyal companion sticking out from the ground. His frill dropped. His colors went mute. Kytzl felt a feeling he didn’t understand. Loss.

    The Warpseer took advantage of the distracted state of the Oracle. He clasped the plundered plaque that was hanging from his neck and began chanting the same spell he used to kill the Troglodon, closing his eyes. Kytzl saw the rat close his eyes and took action. As quick as lightning, the Oracle firmed up his grip on the divining rod and attacked. The Warpseer couldn’t react fast enough and took the full force of the divining rod to his snout. As it struck, the rod released a great white light and a loud ring. Kytzl couldn’t see or hear, but he continued his savage strikes on the Warpseer.

    A moment passed and he could feel his hearing coming back. He slowed his blows and stepped back from the rat he was attacking. As his vision came back, Kytzl realized that the divining rod had finished the rat with the first strike, completely removing the top half of the Warpseer’s head. The rest of his strikes had landed on the body, none with the same effect as the first. The humming had stopped. The breeze of magic he had felt earlier was calmed. He saw the plaque hanging from the Warseer’s neck. He reached down and pulled the treasure off the thief. This was what he had seen. Not nearly as impressive as it was in his trance, but this was it.

    Kytzl walked over to the remains of his love. Trakzi’s twin tails stuck straight out and hung over like a tree, offering some protection from the sun. Saddened, Kytzl sat on the ground and leaned against her tail. His vision began to blur as his tears swelled.

    After some time passed he started seeing movement. He looked up to see a great swarm of snakes spill forth from the underbrush. Large snakes and small snakes alike. Then another shape appeared, outlined by the setting sun. undoubtedly a fellow Skink, but this one was large. He approached Kytzl and reached out a friendly scaled hand. Kytzl accepted and stood up. This was no Skink. This was the Prophet himself. Tehenhauin placed a hand on both of Kytzl’s shoulders and straightened his frill. “For Sotek.” He said softly. Kytzl straightened his frill in kind, responding, “For Sotek.” Tehenhauin removed his hands and continued his walk. Kytzl could see that he wasn’t alone. Cohorts of Skinks followed in his wake. Kytzl watched as they passed. He reached down and picked up his divining rod. He took the plaque and placed it around his neck now. He placed a hand on his companion one last time. He took a deep breath and followed the Skinks who had walked past. Kytzl had a war to fight. “For Trakzi.” he said under his breath.

    This story gave me some writer's block when I first started thinking on the theme. I knew I wanted to avoid the "go to" lizards, mainly being Saurus heros and Skink Priests. The idea to use the Troglodon and Oracle was a fun challenge, so I ran with it. I wanted the "boy and dog" relationship as well as the "boy and girl" relationship, and I knew separating their bond would be critical to meeting the theme requirements. What better way to auto-kill a big monster than using Cracks Call! It was fun to think about how things would be described if you can't see them, but I also inadvertently made my task harder by taking away her hearing. I had to go back and rewrite the Trog/Rat Ogre duel to remove any references to her hearing ability. I would like to expand on these characters more, but really it's their relationship that's most intriguing.

    The title of this one was supposed to be a play on what "Duty" means, as well as what things in life are "Sacred". In this case I was going for the duality of a godly ordained prerogative as well as a loving and trusting relationship.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2017
  2. Qupakoco
    Skink Chief

    Qupakoco Keeper of the Dice Staff Member

    Messages:
    1,871
    Likes Received:
    1,166
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Reserved for commentary.

    By @Scalenex
    A mirror of the preceding entry. “The Betrayer” had a great insider’s view of Chameleon Skinks. This had a great outsider’s view of Chameleon Skinks. The protagonist’s impressions of the Chameleon Skink attackers/tormentors was very well crafted. Even though I know all the “behind the scenes” stuff about Lizardmen, this did a good job portraying horror and paranoia the human felt.

    Like its mirror piece, one tiny flaw in this piece was that the ending was not very conclusive and like it’s mirror it mostly made up for this tiny flaw with a brilliant tie-in between the beginning and the ending. Though I can make an educated guess the protagonists dies of poison. What bothers me slightly more is a lack of exposition. I’m not sure why this group of Kislevites is in Lustria or why they have five people detached so far from the front of their army. Especially if one is their captain. This was a comparatively short piece, so a bit more exposition would not have bogged down the story.

    By @spawning of Bob
    Setup? Gosh. It started out like any other Pollyanna-style happy-ending producing story about successful treasure hunters who visit Lustria for fame and fortune. However, the setup for the surprising plot twist (Spoiler Alert - everyone dies) was in the first line. Not until a page later did we find out that stupid Roderick's stupid talisman brought disaster on the whole expedition. The set up was so subtle that it didn't stick out AND it was memorable enough that we could remember it later when it mattered. That was a slick bit of crafting.

    Style? I award 3 million style points to the author for engineering the captain making a temporary scaly friend by accidently invoking the name of Sotek. (I'm sure it extended his breathing days by at least one).

    Description? The human's PoV on kroxigor and the chameleons did a great job of capturing the horror of all of the doomed ones who would raise their feeble hands against the might of Lustria. They are like babes who cannot learn for themselves. They must be schooled with harsh lessons until they...what? Oh yes. Sorry. The descriptions were OK.

    What Scalenex said? I too would like to know more about the expedition and the force organisation. The captain must have had at least one previous successful tour, and yet he came back. Sounds like a bit of a fail from his welcoming committee that time. Liking to know more and needing it to fill out the story are different. The author gave enough to satisfy the needs of the story and give a nice poetic ending, and he / she left out enough to make me wish he will write more in the future (hint). That's a good balance.

    By @Carnikang
    Score: 7.5/10
    Reasoning: This one is one I like as well. The writing is well-done, and I can actually imagine what it going on. The different viewpoints of the Troglodon and the Priest are refreshing. It's not often you get to 'see' the world through a blind beast. There were a few spots where I believe different phrasings could have made the work flow better, or where something might have been better detailed. Even so, It touches on the theme, late in the story, much like many have. It seems to be a reoccurring issue. How the theme is handled is well done though, with Hope and Vengeance present. Nice Work.

    By @Warden
    Kytzl- Oracle of the East, hunts for sacred artifacts of the Old Ones
    Trakzi- troglodon, can sniff out sacred items
    Tehenuhauin- THE Prophet of Sotek.

    - We're on a mission from Sotek. Cue blues brothersmusic. Not sure why that came to mind as I read the first paragraph.

    - I like the beginning of the story; its very descriptive. I could tell the creature was a troglodon thanks to your very artfully crafted intro paragraph, before you even mentioned the creature's actual name. Nice job.

    - Also a good description of the trog's hunting abilities, its acid-saliva, as well as the bloodroar ability to get the rats all shaken up. It was so sad to see the beautiful beast fall. I was very happy to see the rat bastard meet his demise by the oracle's staff. As much as I really wanted to learn about the secrets of the plaque, it was a pleasant shock to have the Prophet Himself show up at the end of the short skirmish.

    - Obviously this story was but a tiny part of the overall conflict of the Age of Sotek, with the Red-Crests fighting against the plaque rats who have invaded and despoiled the jungles. I enoyed this story a lot too. It was short, but chock full of adjectives and imagery, and put a famous character into the narrative but didn't do it in a way that was overwhelming or over the top. Well done!

    By @Bowser
    I like thefeeling in this one, it really breaks your heart when Trazki drops. Set in the rise of Sotek this is beautifully described, you knew we were dealing with a Troglodon, without the word being typed until the third paragraph. I like the use of Kytzl using his tongue to “Taste” the direction of the artefact they are hunting for, and how Trazki, uses similar methods of getting around, blind, but using whiskers, taste, scent and sound to track and “see.” Kytzl, having felt loss, is now on a mission of vengeance, following Tehennhuain into war, armed only with a plaque and divining rod. Funny naming convention here, Traszki translates from Polish to Newt, and KYZYL means read or crimson in Tuvan or other Turkic languages. So the member of the Crimson host and his Newt? Could be way off, but I enjoyed it. This story was beautifully written and heartbreaking.

    By @discomute
    Wow! This was the best written one so far. The words are perfect, save for one criticism: the jump from limited-third-persin needs to be signposted in my opinion. I did a double take when the emphasis shifted to the beast. It was a good use of gender, but even though I might separate the paragraphs with a *

    Again this is the type of story that doesn't explore any grander narratives, but this board seems to do it so very well. I am reading and writing these as I go, but I would imagine I will end up voting for this one. Great work.

    By @thedarkfourth
    Duty's Revenge

    Kytzl pushed into his bedroom grimly, forcing his grief to become rock-hard determination. He had a war to fight, and a duty to uphold.

    “You look properly miserable,” said Norman, his room mate. He had shoulder-length greasy black hair and was wearing an AC/DC T-shirt. His half of the room was covered in posters for heavy metal bands. Kytzl’s half, by contrast, was mostly barren. He ignored Norman.

    He went on his knees before his bed, pausing in reverence at what he was about to do. Then he reached under the bed and retrieved a large ring-binder.

    “Oh great, it’s plaque time,” said Norman, with a snort. Kytzl looked daggers at him from under his lids, breathing slowly. He calmly sad on his bed, placing the binder on his knees, and opened it. He began to flick through the pages, each one covered with a protective plastic film. Rows and rows of stone, obsidian and golden symbols met his eyes from the nearly five hundred plaques he had assembled into one comprehensive tome.

    “This is no ordinary plaque, foolish mortal,” he said, without looking at his room mate. “This is the single rarest item in the whole of the Tlanxla Series. It’s a first edition cutting - there are only 12 of them in the world. And it’s the only one I need to complete my entire collection.”

    “You are such a nerd,” huffed Norman, putting in his earbuds.

    “I literally had to cut this plaque from the dead body of a rival collector,” said Kytzl, darkly. Norman paused at this, and looked over with a new sense of respect.

    Kytzl stopped flipping pages. He had reached the one empty slot in the entire book. He brought the glowing plaque gently to his lips. “For Trakzi”, he whispered, inserting it into the slot.

    By @spawning of Bob
    Automatic vote for what this one did to my emotions. I almost teared up on the second reading. Why? I instantly engaged with the characters. Instantly, in this case meaning after the first 4 lines. Trakzi the trog wants to be a parrot and a dog, Kytzl’s affection for her is apparent by the doting smile, even though he feels uneasy about the unusual activity of the divining rod.

    The bond between them is everything. Without it, we can’t feel Kytzl’s loss and the assertion that he will fight on “for Trakzi”, rather than Sotek has no weight.

    Good characters and arc alone don’t a perfect story make. This story also gives beautiful insights into the hunting and fighting behaviours of a troglodon; A fight described not in visual terms but by smell, taste and sense of touch and noting that Trakzi was disadvantaged by losing another primary sense – hearing (Real and visceral jeopardy - fantastic); a very unpleasant and claustrophobic death from the “viewpoint” of a blind monster; some thoughts about the many practical uses of a divining rod; and a skink going graphically berserk with rage and grief.

    This story joins others which beg the question “but what happens next?” This time I know the answer: After Tehenhuan, Prophet of Sotek offers a friendly helping hand (WTM?), he hears Kytzl’s heretical “for Trakzi” whereupon the oracle is set upon by a sea of venomous serpents. He survives this, but not having his heart cut out as a fair restitution for Sotek.

    Author Theories: I hope a gurl wrote this, because then I can blame my being of the weaker sex for the fact that I can’t manipulate emotions like this.

    By @lordkingcrow

    Another vote went here. I enjoyed this story. The bond between the two characters was strong and clear. It was well thought out and came to a solid conclusion that held true to the vengeance theme. The only thing that stuck out was the sometimes human sometimes not human relationship. At first the two remind me of a boy and his dog, but then later the writer describes the main character as not quite understanding why he is sad when his companion dies. All I would suggest would be to pick a mind set. Either go lizards with human emotions, or lizards with lizardy emotions. Both could feel a sense of loss, but it would be written differently. Again, a solid read.

    From @Warden responding to @lordkingcrow
    Interesting idea that I hadn't considered before: deliberately picking a mindset for the lizards to have. What would be the major differences? Not a concept I though about before:

    Lizards with human emotions- just normal, emotional people with "lizardmen" objectives (they get angry, get sad, find joy in their work, etc.)

    Lizards with lizard emotions- cold blooded, reluctant to change, pragmatic, not many emotions? Kinda like scaley spocks? :vulcan:

    By @Killer Angel
    The protagonists are pretty unusual (skink oracle and troglodon weren't a top choice in 8th, and so also their fluff isn't so much developed), but this story nails perfectly the ties between the skink and the dinosaur, the "imprinting" and the unique bonding that goes both ways. The pov of the troglodon is perfectly narrated, so kudos to the author. And the ending is sad but perfect.

    By @Scalenex
    This piece was phenomenal. I am a sucker for Jack London-esque pieces. We had a lot of great pieces about the bond between man and beast with a Saurus or Skink as man and various cold blooded beasts but I do not recall a piece like this with a Trogladon. I guess we’ve had pieces with Troglodons before, but I do not think we’ve had one with this much emotional resonance. Scalenex is happy when everyone else is sad.

    I struggle to find any suggestions for improvements. This is getting one of my votes. I do have one small suggestion. Play up the alien-ness a tad. The characters are human enough you can picture a bond between a man and a horse, but we need to play up the mystical lizard thing. More focus on the Troglodon’s smell and hearing. I want to describe sickening bone crunches. Let the Troglodon recoil at the reek of burning skaven while still smelling something appealing that might be worth eating. Play up the mystic skink’s mystical senses and instincts.

    By @Y'ttar Scaletail
    That poor Seer...I mean...er...that poor Trog-thing. Very sad-sad...yes-yes...

    Another emotion filled story that makes you want to go out and slaughter those handsome vile vermin by the hundred. Both characters were written exceptionally well, the author knowing just the right heart strings to pull (you git) in their thoughts and actions. The Skaven were horrible and evil as they should be, making Kytzl's golf stroke very much satisfying even if it was a hollow victory in the end.

    The use of Tehenhuain was pulled off very nicely without him taking away the limelight but instead helping mould the plot focus onto that of hope and vengeance for the poor trog.

    So yes, a deep and impactful story!

    Tekris Malthkus: Beast-thing can be fix-saved, just need lots and lots of lightning and Warpstone and be better than new!


    By @Qupakoco (stealth review that never got posted)
    Ugh, why did Trakzi have to die? The fight was going so smoothly! We don’t often hear about a Trog or an Oracle being useful in this particular edition of WHFB, so that was nice. Though the Trog did die, so maybe that’s not all that useful anyway.

    What I disliked: There were a few sentences that I had to re-read. Some of the words and descriptions like the “stomp stomp” part were a little awkward to navigate. I also see that you called the Warpseer a Warseer in one spot, but that just a pet peeve. I also disliked that the Oracle didn’t give his Trog a treat for catching the rat.

    What I liked: The description of operating a blind creature was a challenge, and you upped the ante by taking away her hearing as well. And making the divining rod useful weapon and the ultimate demise of the Trog was brilliant. Makes me wonder if we should be exploring all the less popular creatures in the Lizard armada. Also the vengeance theme was strong. Hope of course as well cause of the Tehenhuain stuff.
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2017
  3. Qupakoco
    Skink Chief

    Qupakoco Keeper of the Dice Staff Member

    Messages:
    1,871
    Likes Received:
    1,166
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Reserved for responses to commentators.

    Response to @Scalenex
    Thanks a bunch! This was my closest attempt to a "horror" story yet. I also was happy with The Betrayer in this contest as it seemed like I was secretly in tune with the author. (whom I now know was @spawning of Bob)

    And yes, you're right. I should have expanded more on the expedition itself. I was envisioning it in my head as it being an expedition to the Southlands, taking a raiding party down the coast an into a land filled with gold. I did want to leave the impression that they had done this before, and while I think that got through, some of the other details that I imagined fell by the wayside. Oh and you're probably right about the Captain thing. I should have done more research into the hierarchy of that region. I believe they had an unofficial army book that would have provided this insight.



    Response to @spawning of Bob
    3 million style points!? Woohoo! I'm so style-rich! Thanks for the comments. And yes, they all die. You can take the mountains of gold and gems, but don't touch anything that resembles a trinket or a glyph. That's usually where I see expeditions running afoul in the typical fluff.

    As this is a recurring comment, I'll make sure I'm expanding on the setting more as I continue with these contest entries. There are definitely details in my head that didn't make it on to the paper.


    Response to @Carnikang
    Thanks much! 75% is a passing score in my book :) It is interesting to describe things around you without being able to see them. I tried to rely on my knowledge of how Dare Devil sees things in the Netflix series. Objects take shape but are ill defined, yet defined enough to decipher basic information.

    After reading your comment about my phrasing, I do see there are several areas where I could have written the sentence in a more fluent manner. I'll have to re-read out-loud in the future, I think that helps to find those spots. And yes, I know I let myself go with the story maybe a bit too long, which is why I added in that bit about the prophet at the end. I needed to button it up and make it fit the theme. That said, I'm not sure how you can touch on hope or vengeance early in a story without first laying down the foundation of hopelessness. I guess my interpretation of it was that I wanted the reader to feel that there is hope for the characters, or that there is a vendetta to settle. Could have been that the next story will start off with Kytzl exacting his revenge on the Skaven hordes which would tie into the vengeance theme. Stuff to ponder. Thanks for making me think!



    Response to @Warden
    Haha, I enjoyed thinking about the Blues Bros theme. I could have easily turned this into a comedy story. Maybe I'll try my hand at that next time.

    I really tried to make sure everyone knew it was a Trog without saying it. I didn't want to come right out and say, "Trakzi the Troglodon" but rather have the picture of one form in the readers head. Of course I had to say it a little later just to be clear, in case there were any readers who are unfamiliar with the LM army. I did a quick read through my 8th Edition LM book for some background into the Trog. I wanted to show off her written special rules to make all the nerds go, "Hey I know that ability!" I did the same with the spell at the end, but in hindsight only people who regularly fought Skaven would know that the spell was Crack's Call.

    The the prophet, I didn't really want him to do anything that was over the top. I'm sure I could have given him his own actions, but since he's already a well thought out and developed character. But yes, just having his presence I thought was enough to hit the "Hope" theme.



    Response to @Bowser
    Yes! I read through some stuff about Oracle's before I decided on how to portray his unique abilities. Warhammer has the "winds of magic" so I would imagine that would be one of the gifts these critters have a sense about. While I'm sure a Skink Priest could feel the same abilities, perhaps for an Oracle it's more defined. Like a hammerhead shark using their cool electromagnetic hunting abilities.

    I read this story to my wife before I submitted it, just getting some feedback. She literally said, "No! Why did you kill Trakzi!?" haha. It's an unflattering end for such an awesome creature, and I wanted everyone to feel sadness. I probably learned that from Game of Thrones, wherein characters that are loved get killed. It helps set the hook and engage the audience on a personal level.

    And great research into the names! Purely coincidental.



    Response to @discomute
    I did think about the perspective jump as I was writing it. I'm not sure why I left it out. I used the * separation in my other story, so it's definitely something I know to use. And yes, I suppose that I didn't really want to venture too much into a grand narrative. I wanted the story to feel personal and emotional without bogging it down with so many characters. Right now it contains 3 lizards (Kytzl, Trakzi, and Tehenhuain), 3 rats (Sneaky Rat, Rat Ogre, and Warpseer), and an army/scouting force of each. I think any more than that would require breaking the word limit.

    Thanks for the great feedback!



    Response to @thedarkfourth
    Haha, this was an awesome continuation! Kytzl the collector, college student, and warrior-nerd. Please keep doing your spoofs :D




    Response to @spawning of Bob
    Very much appreciate the comments here! The relationship between the two main characters was a main drive for the "vengeance" theme. Having a strong bond that is suddenly and unjustly broken, causing our hero to become solemn yet act out of rage, all points I tried to touch on. I tried my best to describe the relationship between them in a loving way, seeing as these two were partners for life. Maybe the romanticized prologue to this story could be about a juvenile Trakzi rescuing her future master from certain death, making her eventual fall even more brutal. Hmm...

    Other points you brought up: How does a divining rod work? Besides being useful as a crudgel, how does this item help the Oracle in his quest? My thoughts were that it would obviously depend on the item being hunted, but in this case I made it work like a metal detector. Louder and louder as you get closer to the object.

    You and @Carnikang both touched on the ending. It would be nice to continue the story a little further to fully round out some of the aftermath, particularly what is the importance of the plaque he recovered. I'll put some thought into that and see what I come up with. @thedarkfourth offered an excellent continuation however.

    Oh and on hoping that a girl wrote it, your emotional skills are on par with those of Mr. Spock. :vulcan:



    Response to @lordkingcrow
    I didn't realize that I had switched the mentality of the characters like that. @Warden echoed my thoughts here, I didn't think to deliberatly pick a mindset for Kytzl. It really would be a simple fix as I think only that last line mentions him having a new emotion. To fix it I would continue with the human emotion aspect and make it more relatable to the average human. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll try to keep that in mind on the next story. And thanks for the vote!




    Response to @Killer Angel
    Yes! I was hoping someone would mention this. I picked the Trog and Oracle mainly because their fluff isn't as developed as most of the other races. They're a unique character duo in our army that is ignored more often than not, so in writing about them I got to spend some time thinking about how they operate and their relationship to the rest of the army. In my story they were a solo team, but I could also see them being used as scouts or forward forces. I don't think that their fluff really suits them as being a hard hitting cavalry monster, even though that's the role they have slipped in to. Anyway, thanks for the comments!





    Response to @Scalenex
    I'm flattered to be likened with Jack London. He was an amazing writer. My two favorites are "To Build a Fire" and "An Odyssey of the North", mainly because of my personal heritage being an Aleut/Norwegian/Russian mix and because the whole Klondike experience is in my back yard. Really appreciate that comment.

    As to the rest, I agree. There are areas where I should expand on the details of the gore and the physical sensations being experienced by the characters. @Slanputin mentioned "showing" what is going on in the story rather than "telling" it. I'll keep that in my head for the next story contest. But I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the vote!




    Response to @Y'ttar Scaletail
    Haha, I know we always pick on the rat-things by default. Habitual for us lizard-things. My main opponent for several years played Skaven, so I've built up quite a hatred for all things foul in their army. Maybe next time I'll have a Hell Pit Abomination come to bear down on my Skinks. We'll see who walks away then!

    And thanks very much for the comments! I did try to pull at emotions as much as I could, all while building up Kytzl's newfound hatred for Skaven. Maybe he'll get promoted to a Skink Chief and carry the Skavenpelt banner in the next story.

    Yes! We can even put a couple of them together!
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2017
    Paradoxical Pacifism likes this.
  4. Warden
    Slann

    Warden Tenth Spawning

    Messages:
    6,463
    Likes Received:
    18,253
    Trophy Points:
    113
    I enjoyed both stories here. I never read the previous story comps, I need to go back and do that at some point.

    The one about chameleons skinks was enjoyable, definitely shows how the Vikings of the story were unprepared for their journey. Where originally they thought their biggest challenge was going to be the extremely uncomfortable weather, suddenly the leader realizes they might possibly be out-maneuvered by their enemy before the battle even started. Nice work!

    And I enjoyed the Sacred Duty as well. Your ability to speak from the POV of the characters you created is very descriptive and accurate to what the characters might actually be like, its good to realize the amount of effort you put into them such as making sure that the troglodon sees by smell and not by hearing or sight. I also enjoyed that the story was set during the Age of Sotek, nice work fleshing out this part of Lizardmen history!


    Edit: also the name of this thread is quite qlever
     
  5. Qupakoco
    Skink Chief

    Qupakoco Keeper of the Dice Staff Member

    Messages:
    1,871
    Likes Received:
    1,166
    Trophy Points:
    113
    :angelic:

    Thanks for the extended reviews! I know I need to catch up on 3 more contests yet. Just need to set aside a couple days to get through them all. There is some serious talent on this forum.

    I'll try to keep entering into upcoming contests to fill out this thread with even more goodies. Also this way @Scalenex can more easily fill out his index and Bob can have a reference to my writing style for future author guesses.
     
  6. Bowser
    Slann

    Bowser Third Spawning

    Messages:
    5,581
    Likes Received:
    8,452
    Trophy Points:
    113
    The subtlety in your writing style really makes an impact. Both of these are great stories. Looking forward to more of your contest entries!
     
  7. Scolenex
    Ripperdactil

    Scolenex Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    458
    Likes Received:
    1,337
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Also, Scalenex forgot you wrote "Southern Heat" and listed you as a first time author. He's not as attentive to details as a panda.
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2017

Share This Page