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Discussion The Coward - Author's review

Discussion in 'Fluff and Stories' started by Killer Angel, Jun 1, 2016.

  1. Killer Angel
    Slann

    Killer Angel Prophet of the Stars Staff Member

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    “You are a coward! You bring shame upon our blood! Shame upon me!”

    The Inner Hall was lit by just some torches; the flickering light was casting bizarre shadows and reflections on the ancient banners and the adorned shields, decorating the massive stone walls. It was dark and cold… appropriate for the time being. Thordek Connarsson was used to his brother’s tirades. Nonetheless, they hurt him just the same.

    “The Granite Barrier was not salvageable. There wasn’t only clanrats, it was already filled with jezzails and a couple of Warp Cannons. What should I have done?”

    “For a starter, obey my orders! The Barrier is of vital importance! We cannot afford its loss…”


    “Well, we cannot either afford the loss of one quarter of our troops, charging into a deathtrap. We don’t have warriors to spare, and they would have all died in the assault…”

    “Or you would have died, leading the combat, as a Thane should do! And the Irondrakes would have charged on the breach, breaking their line of defense, to save the Clan’s banner and avenge your death!”

    “Sweet Grimnir… It has already been epic to bring them back into our lines. The rats were prepared, and they were waiting for us. It. Was. A. Trap. They were already closing the way behind us, and we had to break through rat ogres. All I did it was to bring back our troops for the battles to come.”

    “Ah, you’re so a heroic fighter, Thordek! Don’t tell me your fairytales, you’d just run to save your worthless life, and all you brought back, are dwarfs with broken pride. They know far better than you that they failed their duty toward their liege. Are you satisfied? Do you think they are grateful that they are not feasting in Grungni’s Halls? Do I really need to remind you of the Chasm’s Keep?”

    No, it was not necessary. It was still an open wound. The Keep was swarmed by rats… wave after wave, an endless sea of furry scum. They were drowning in slaves. After three days, without a single hour of rest, when they run out of gunpowder, Thordek gave the withdrawal order, leading personally the young warriors, dwarfs with beards too short to die so soon. Those lads needed to return safe home.

    The longbeards simply gave him a stern look, and stood behind the walls, without following. The sound of the longbeards’ warhorn haunted them for miles, and then there was silence. The warriors didn’t say a word… but within a month, they all took the Slayers’ tattoos and threw themselves in the carnage of the battle that cost them the Southern Outposts.

    Thordek lowered his head. This act of apparent submission, seemed to appease the Lord.

    “Listen, Thordek, the life of our Clan is at stake, I cannot take the field all by myself… I need you, but the warriors start calling you names. They still follow you out of respect for me and because they’re all honorable dwarfs, but their loyalty won’t last for long…”

    Thordek raised his eyes. He knew this wasn’t the right moment, but time was running short.

    We won’t last for long! Blame me if this pleases you, but we must face the truth. We have no more lines of defense, and the mines are gone for good. There’s nothing left between the rats and this place. We’re talking about our families, about our bloodlines. We cannot stop them.”

    Lord Alerick Connarsson, Third of his Name, Bearer of the WeepingWidow Greataxe and with-so-many-other-titles-that-a-beardling-would-become-a-ranger-before-hearing-them-all, took a deep and dangerous breath.

    “What are you suggesting, Thordek? Do you have some heroic idea?”

    “We need help. We have plenty of gold, and magical objects that we cannot use. There are wood elves in the northern forest, we could aid each other. Probably we won’t even have to give ‘em the gold, they are in our same boat and they know it. We cannot do it all by ourselves, Alerick, we need allies.”

    Alerick clenched his fist, and gave a hammering blow to his desk.

    “We had allies! Then they took our gold, and our beards, and then King Gotrek gave ‘em our steel! We won’t bow to some pointy ears, only because you fear to die as a dwarf. You won’t humiliate my people. High King Thorgrim would spit on this nonsense.”

    “Probably yes, but King Thorgrim is no more, the Book of Grudges is no more, and even our land is no more… we’re stuck in this chunk of our old empire, floating into the void. There are no other Clans to help us, there are only we, the elves and the endless rats. I would like to have other options, but our duty is to protect our people… “

    Alerick’s face was hard as a stone. Thordek knew he was losing also this battle.

    “Please cousin, help me! Tell something!”


    A third dwarf had remained on the sidelines. He shared many of Thordek’s worries, but when he spoke, he sealed Thordek’s last hope.

    “Here I am as the Clan’s Runelord, Thordek, not as your cousin. I appreciate your concerns, but, as you say, we must protect our people: we must protect their honor. If you don’t live by traditions, then what’s the point of living at all? Our Lord’s will is crystal clear, and I’m fully with him.”

    “This meeting ends here. I suggest to go back to your duty.”

    ---------------------------------------------

    The final assault was beginning.

    For almost a week, the rats tested their defenses all across the main stonewall, and they knew there wasn’t an unbreakable opposition. Rats were dying in spades, but they had reserves, while each fallen dwarf was irreplaceable.

    It was a sunny day, the roaring of organ cannons reverberated gracefully against the rocky cliffs and the musicians were giving the right mood to the army… but the lines were thin, and their faces were tired.

    That morning, his brother came to see him, bringing a large object, draped in blue velvet with golden embroidery. Thordek knew it was his death sentence.

    “This is our Oathstone. I’m giving it to you. You are going to join the Ironbreakers and you will guard the entrance of the fortress: if our lines crumble, you will be our last line of defense, all the remaining troops will rally around you. If this happens, I will probably be already dead. Don’t fail me.”

    And so he was standing there, within the ranks of the prideful Ironbreakers, nailed to that little personal pedestal, which at least was giving him the advantage of a good sight of the battlefield. Squeaks of pain sounded every time an engraved stone landed in the packed hordes.

    Then it happened. With a rumble, half of the eastern tower collapsed on itself, probably undermined by some tunnel work. Loads of stormvermin, flanked by a couple of Abominations, erupted within the ruins, murdering the remnants of the quarrelers in a matter of seconds.

    The King’s banner moved toward the breach, Thordek heard his brother war cry, echoed by his personal Hammerers’ guard following closely as they joined the fray. For some long minutes, it seemed the vermin would be repelled, then a dozen of stormfiends emerged, and the royal banner fell.

    The beating drums were ordering to fall back and reform, and the secondary cannon batteries were already aimed at point-blank. And Thordek knew he would have failed his brother.

    “Ironbeard. To me!”

    The massive warrior suddenly came to Thordek’s side “Yes, my lord?”.

    Thordek stepped down from the Stone. “We need reinforcements. I entrust you the Oathstone, form the Steel Wall and don’t let them pass.”

    Bewildered eyes looked at him “Sir, you aren’t supposed to…”

    “I’ll be back as soon as possible.”.

    Thordek left the formation, hurrying toward the inside of the mountain. But he had the time to hear someone say “Let him go. We’ll die better without Thordek Cowardisson”.

    Thordek proceeded toward the inner sanctum of the fortress.

    “Of course they despise me, I’m fleeing. I lied to them and they know it. Well, if this is my burden, then be it… I’ve always done the best for my Clan, I’ve always tried to save the lives of the dwarfs under my command. What do you think? That dying on the walls will save the lives of your beloved ones? There are almost a thousand women and beardlings in the Great Hall, all waiting for their fate. To die in battle is just the easy way out, you don’t hear their screams, when the rats will find ‘em!”

    Thordek’s plan was simple. He needed to save that thousand dwarfs, the future of the Clan. Firstly, he would have took all the unused magical gear that was lying in the Inner Vault. Dwarfs were too proud to use items without dwarves runes carved on them, but elves are not so choosy. Then he would have guided the women and children toward the elves, through the northern tunnel (since there were no reports about skaven in that one), collapsing the tunnel behind them. Within two days, he would have find the rangers and the border garrison… this way, he would bring also more than 50 fighters and couple of cannons with him. More important than fighting, the rangers could help forage given all the mouths he had to feed.

    The Inner Vault was huge. Thordek took an Arabyan Carpet, crafted by human wizards and therefore unusable by proper Dwarfs. Next he began to amass all the items he could find, flying from one chest to the other.

    The echo of a distant explosion stopped his search. A Rune of Immolation… time was running short.

    It was at that point that something leapt on the carpet, and a blade tried to cut its way right into Thordek’s kidney, just to be stopped by the gromril armor.

    Thordek turned to face his assailant… a couple of malevolent little eyes, a pointed snout and a fierce grin, bordered by a black cape, an Eshin Assassin.

    The poisoned blade tried to find an opening between the full plate joints, so Thordek closed the gap, clenching his armored fist upon the skaven’s wrist. A satisfying noise of broken bones.

    The grappled skaven tried to bite away Thodeks face, without much luck; the Thane grabbed firmly the head’s pelt, turning it away… and then he dropped his axe on the neck.

    The decapitated assassin fell upon the treasury, spilling blood all across the carpet; disgusted, Thordek kicked the body out and gained some height, keeping his eyes on his kill. “It’s just a drop in the bucket, but you at least, you won’t feast this night.”

    At that point, he noticed the glowing light.

    It was coming from something in the stack of the magical items; it was a red light, almost purple. The source was a strange, golden plaque, with bizarre symbols engraved on it; looking closely, the pattern resembled a sort of pyramid, with huge snakes around it. The snakes' red ruby eyes, veiled by skaven’s blood, were pulsing, in an almost hypnotic way… and the Plaque itself was absorbing the blood. Thordek was feeling a strange sense of hunger, and cannot help but to add some drop of blood, from the severed head. The pulsing become brighter.

    Something hisssssed, breaking the enchantment.

    Thordek raised his eyes; he was surrounded by many strange, blue lizard-things, with a red crest, and they were all threatening him with blowpipes.

    In the middle of the hall, a sort of.. portal? was floating mid-air, a white, luminescent oval, growing larger each second. From it, a dozen warbeasts were coming, followed by other lizard-things with spears, prodding them forward, when they tried to stop to smell the dead rat.

    “This cannot be… I know what this things are. These should be the Lizardmen, I remember them from my Grandfater’s stories, but… but…”.

    The lizards with blowpipes didn’t care about his confusion and remained hostile; for once, Thordek didn’t knew what to do.

    Then the portal become even larger, and something impossible emerged from it. It was a huge beast, bigger than a steamtank, with a massive, three horned armored head. Upon it, there was a sort of palanquin, with a large banner, made entirely of… fur? “it isn’t simple fur”, realized Thordek “those are skaven pelts”.

    On the palanquin, there was another red-crested lizard, stouter than the other ones, armed with a serpentine blade, and with a golden plaque on its chest, very similar to the one that was at Thordek’s feet… and that now was levitating, at a gesture of the lizardchief’s hand, floating toward him.

    He finally took the plaque, caressing it, then he looked at Thordek, which was still holding the severed head of the skaven. The lizardchief hissed something, and the blowpipers relaxed, diverting their attention from Thordek.

    The whole lizardmen army started moving across the Inner Vault and into the tunnel, toward the sounds of battle. Other lizardmen were emerging from the portal: another three-horned beast with a ballista on it, then more red-crested little ones, accompanied by large crocodile-like beings; a seemingly endless river of troops.

    And Thordek realized that the Ironbreakers were in its path.

    “For the Ancestors, someone must tell them that reinforcements are arriving!”

    He moved the carpet at full speed, heading for the light of the day.


    As you should have noted, english is not my first language, and The Coward is the first story I’ve ever written in english. I’m sufficiently satisfied with the final result, but I know it can be improved.
    I knew it would have been hard to win (and I didn’t expect it), but my objective was to end in the upper half, both for personal pride, and because it would have meant that my work succeeded in entertaining you, which is the real satisfaction. Mission accomplished!


    The idea behind:

    The core of the idea (dwarfs under siege by skaven, and help from lizardmen tnx to an ancient artifact of Sotek) came to my mind for the previous competition “continuity and change”. It would have been a confrontation between a father and a son, traditionalism (we fight and die our way) vs evolution (let’s try to use the devices in our treasure).
    The idea was too vague, and there was not a believable way for the dwarfs to know how to willingly activate a portal by sacrificing to Sotek, which was the premise, and I wasn’t satisfied with any of the solutions that came to my mind. So, I didn’t developed anything.
    But anti-heroes is a much different thing, and you can do something without knowing what you are doing, and you can open a portal by mere luck (destiny?).
    So, characters changed, the story changed, and pieces were falling in the right places, creating the picture.

    Time of the setting:

    Dwarfs isolated, with lizardmen coming through a portal, would be possible in AoS; but with AoS Seraphon are summoned by Slanns, and there’s no Sotek, and no Tehenhauin.
    So, I mixed 8th and AoS, setting the story immediately after the End of Times, after maybe a couple of centuries, mixing the old world (the dwarfs’ runes, the magic items, Tehenhauin) and the beginning of Age of Sigmar (The old world shattered in fragments of reality floating into the warp, before the passing of millennia, Sigmar’s return and the rising of the Seraphon).
    It’s more 8th or AoS? It doesn’t really matter, the reader chooses the setting he likes more to imagine the story.
    Travelling toward the stars in their ships, there are still living lizardmen, but now they are becoming seraphons, so they move through space with magical means. Did the Slaans left behind some items (as the plaque) to open portals and still wage war with their eternal enemies? Was the plaque a sacred object, lost millenia ago, still able to call the faithful servants of Sotek to battle? It’s deliberately left vague, so the reader can choose what likes more.

    The Anti-hero:

    The way I see, Thordek fits the anti-hero theme, because he tries to do the best things for his people, and he somehow succeeds, but the way he acts is totally different from what is the “right way” for all the other dwarfs. The more he tries, the more he falls down at his people’s eyes. There’s no redemption for him: even now, he will be certainly blamed to have summoned the lizardmen (such inappropriate act! And those fire breathing beasts pooped in the Hall of the Ancestors!)… and he will be lucky if the dwarfs won’t cast him away for leaving the Oathstone.

    The style:

    My stories usually born through pictures or phrases, that appear in my mind, and the work is to connect them in a solid pattern. The Coward is no different, I’ve got some vivid images, as the protagonist upon the Oathstone, watching the impending doom; the portal with the skinks’ army emerging from it; some part of the initial dialogue, and so on. A growing process.
    The story would have been divided in two parts: the first half, that needs to set the stage for the second part, with the final assault, the end of all hopes of resistance, and the twist with the lizzies’ arrival. There were many informations that must be given in the first half:

    a) the desperate situation of the dwarfs, their low but continuous loss of terrain
    b) establish the character of Thordek, his personality, his motivations
    c) show the way the other dwarfs see him and his actions, thus setting his anti-heroic figure
    d) give some cool image (the fall of the Chasm’s Keep)
    e) introduce the “wood elves idea” to beforehand justify Tordek’s fleeing during the combat and his picking of the magical items (and the McGuffin), so the second part of the story will flow without interruptions and in a believable way.

    a lot of things, and all of this, must be done quickly, because it’s the premise to the final showdown, and so it should possibly cover no more than an half of the story. I opted for the dialogue between brothers, to underline the clash between the two points of view, and because it was possible to give lot of infos, and was also possible to optimize the showing of the Chasm’s Keep disaster, with the flashback.
    Sadly, I’m aware that (as commented by some corrupted dwarf) conflicts must not be debated, and dialogues can be boring. In the first draft, the dialogue part was longer, and during my personal review it was cut down by a third, before submitting it to Scalenex, but probably it could have been shorter, telling the same concepts.
    The second part was much easier. In my mind it flowed like a movie, so all I needed was simply to write it and show it to you.
    The only critical passage, was the summoning, the physical act to put the skaven’s blood upon Sotek’s Sacred Plaque. The first hypothesis (Thordek with skaven’s blood on his hands that pick the plaque) was highly unsatisfying, also because there was the problem of how to put the blood on Thordek’s hands. Luckily, Eshin assassins exist, and their job is also to sneak into castles to assassinate lords, so… at that point, the pieces fell into position by themselves: it was perfect, the decapitated skaven would have spilled a nice amount of blood directly on the sacrificial plaque, activating its power and (probably) sending a signal to someone that would have opened the portal to investigate who was doing a sacrifice (Sotek’s beacon FTW!). And Thordek still holdin the skaven head was a natural thing, that leads to a part that I really like.
    Usually lizardmen are not nice to the ones that have their most valuable ancient artifacts. Servants of Sotek are even less inclined to show mercy. But who knows? Maybe the High Priest was amused by the fact that the “thief” was showing the proper respect to the plaque, sacrificing to Sotek. Or maybe the device was deliberately left behind by Tehenhauin for this scope. The real reason doesn’t matter: it’s believable in a matter of ways, and that’s why I like it.


    So… I’d say that’s all, more or less. I’ll wait for your comments / critiques / observations and question.
     
  2. Killer Angel
    Slann

    Killer Angel Prophet of the Stars Staff Member

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    copy/paste of previous comments to the story from the main thread (with a very brief comment on each one).
    Tnx to all of you, reviews are interesting, and observations (even when slightly contradictory between different reviews) are always welcome to improve.

    I really love you racial reviews. A different approach to the matter, that makes the reading really enjoyable. And I'm glad you enjoyed the story, even if you didn't voted for it.
    I'll try with less dialogue next time, and a little more "show, don't tell".

    The double spacing was already debated in the main thread. And I'm double pleased that mine was your favourite story, so not so much to add here (but I promise next time will look at the format ;))

    You're right, probably the point about the supposed cowardice, was alredy rammed home, and I could have skipped something. Note taken.

    Yeah, Bowser catched also the fact that, maybe, the plaque wasn't exactly a stolen object, but (who knows) it was "lost" on purpose. In this story I've decided to let many things open to more explanations, and this was one of them!

    you are already playing in my sand pit, no there's not so much to add here. the "take note everyone" fills me with artistic pride! :D

    You're absolutely right about the short burst talking, however, it was not done on purpose. I noticed the thing at the end, and I liked it. When things work without you even trying, it's a good sign, right?

    eheheh.... yes, in the end, Thordek is a brave fighter, and a truly worried leader, but maybe the other dwarfs are not so completely wrong in judging him. He did left the Oathstone, after all, and that's not a thing you can erase.
    About the "why the ironbreakers didn't cut him down?", to me it's very natural.... yeah, kin-slaying is a taboo, especially if we're talking about the blood of the liege; in the fluff they tend to use more the approach "you are dead in my eyes": in the 7th ed. armybook, there's the story about a throne-bearer that abandoned the high king in battle, and the dwarfs just don't talk about it. In the introduction of Mordheim's Dwarfs Treasure Hunters, the king's son desecrated the Ancestors, and he was cast away ("your name shall be stricken from all records").
    As a last thing, I'm just curious about the "vocabulary choices". Were you thinking to something specific?
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
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  3. Bowser
    Slann

    Bowser Third Spawning

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    I do really like how this treads between AOS and End times. Like I said in my review there is so much about this story I like. The so called coward is doomed no matter what he does, but at least this may save his people. The language barrier didn't seem to distupt this as it played out like a movie for me while reading it! So all in all great story!
     
  4. Scalenex
    Slann

    Scalenex Keeper of the Indexes Staff Member

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    I'm not sure whether this was favorite piece or whether the "Fireblade's Challenge," we'll just say "tied for first". Unfortunately my top picks rarely win the overall vote. Not much to say that hasn't already been said. Fresh clever take, nailed the theme in an interesting way.
     
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  5. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    You were in my top five, KA. Also, I had narrowed down the options for guessing you as author based on non English background, but by the time I was ready to look specifically for you I had already read everything several times and was over it.

    Did you think part A and part B were unbalanced? They were both great, but they were quite different.
    Part A - talk to establish differing views + essential battle scenes
    Part B - a furtive escape, a desperate duel and hope unlooked for.




    Here is a thought about how you could have pulled this all together if you were the big movie director you wanted to be.

    • Thordek staggers into a tunnel, the sound and dust of an explosion and angry voices come from behind him. "Come back Cowardsson!" "Ssh we are better off without him. His brother knew he was coward after he abandoned the granite barrier"
    • Flashback to the dialogue with the king. This ends with saying "the final assault has begun" They put on their helmets and go to mount the wall
    • Camera pulls back to show the big battle scene which continues until...
    • "Brother this is hopeless, let's get help from our elf buddies!" "WTF??????"
    • More battle
    • Dialogue "take the oath stone, I'm going over there to die"
    • King dies
    • More hopeless battle
    • Thordek shouts to his men "we don't need to lose everything" and the line looks like it will break. He falls back into a tunnel the sound and dust of an explosion and angry voices come from behind him. "Come back Cowardsson!" "Ssh we are better off without him. His brother knew he was coward after he abandoned the granite barrier"
    • If you need to put in another flashback as he is running (or reserve the elf one from above) have the tunnel shaken by an explosion, he staggers into a wall and is briefly stunned, flashing back to another slice of dialogue.
    • After that flashback, he resumes his flight, and that is the moment that the assassin appears for one second, squeezing out of the crack that the explosion caused.
    • Cut back to the even more hopeless battle and another explosion
    • cut to the treasure chamber just as it is being shaken by the same explosion
    • resume part B
    • If this is Hollywood, have Thordek march back at the head of the LM army. climb ont the wall with the plaque and the rat head and do an "Aragorn uneashes the army of the dead on the corsairs of Umbar." and the lizards pour over the battlements with steel and flame.

    The story becomes a furtive escape, a quiet memory of cowardice and the set up to the battle, battle, sensible alternative vs suicidal pride, battle, escape, set up of duel, battle, duel, resolution - that is to say the battle is behind all of it offering urgency from start to finish

    Next time you watch the Battle of Helm's Deep screw up your eyes and imagine rats. The mega battle is broken up by jokes, loud dialogue, quiet dialogue, a sneaky side mission, a dwarf tossing joke, a realisation of hopelessness, a hope unlooked for - Your story could be directly superimposed.
    [​IMG]
    From History's Least Successful Skaven Invasions


    Also by cutting much of the talk into before the start and the middle of the battle, the characters will automatically drop the speeches and go into an intense kind of angry shorthand, and the audience does not need to be told what the stakes are - they can see it for themselves.

    Is that possible with written word? Not exactly, but have a think about how late in the whole sequence you could start the story and therefore how much you can put into flashback / reframed dialogue. - and then see how much of the dialogue material is still important given that the reader already knows you are in a hopeless rat battle. In fact, I'm going to do it myself just to see how it flows.


    Words I've added to control sentence structure or add a bit of geographical or time clarity are in blue.

    For almost a week, the rats tested their defenses all across the main stonewall, and they knew there wasn’t an unbreakable opposition. Rats were dying in spades, but they had reserves, while each fallen dwarf was irreplaceable.

    It was a sunny day, the roaring of organ cannons reverberated gracefully against the rocky cliffs and the musicians were giving the right mood to the army… but the lines were thin, and their faces were tired. Lord Alerick Connarsson, Third of his Name, Bearer of the WeepingWidow Greataxe and with-so-many-other-titles-that-a-beardling-would-become-a-ranger-before-hearing-them-all came to his brother, bringing a large object, draped in blue velvet with golden embroidery. Thordek knew it was his death sentence.

    “This is our Oathstone. I’m giving it to you. You will stay with the Ironbreakers and you will guard the entrance of the fortress: if our lines crumble, you will be our last line of defense, all the remaining troops will rally around you. If this happens, I will probably be already dead. Don’t fail me like last time.

    “The Granite Barrier was not salvageable. There wasn’t only clanrats, it was already filled with jezzails and a couple of Warp Cannons. What should I have done?”

    “For a starter, obey my orders! The Barrier is of vital importance! We cannot afford its loss…”

    “Well, we cannot either afford the loss of one quarter of our troops, charging into a deathtrap. We don’t have warriors to spare, and they would have all died in the assault…”

    “Or you would have died, leading the combat, as a Thane should do! And the Irondrakes would have charged on the breach, breaking their line of defense, to save the Clan’s banner and avenge your death! You are a coward! You bring shame upon our blood! Shame upon me!”

    “Sweet Grimnir… It has already been epic to bring them back into our lines. The rats were prepared, and they were waiting for us. It. Was. A. Trap. They were already closing the way behind us, and we had to break through rat ogres. All I did it was to bring back our troops for the battles to come.”

    “Ah, you’re so a heroic fighter, Thordek! Don’t tell me your fairytales, you’d just run to save your worthless life, and all you brought back, are dwarfs with broken pride. They know far better than you that they failed their duty toward their liege. Are you satisfied? Do you think they are grateful that they are not feasting in Grungni’s Halls? Do I really need to remind you of the Chasm’s Keep?”

    No, it was not necessary. It was still an open wound. The Keep was swarmed by rats… wave after wave, an endless sea of furry scum. They were drowning in slaves. After three days, without a single hour of rest, when they run out of gunpowder, Thordek gave the withdrawal order, leading personally the young warriors, dwarfs with beards too short to die so soon. Those lads needed to return safe home.

    The longbeards simply gave him a stern look, and stood behind the walls, without following. The sound of the longbeards’ warhorn haunted them for miles, and then there was silence. The warriors didn’t say a word… but within a month, they all took the Slayers’ tattoos and threw themselves in the carnage of the battle that cost them the Southern Outposts.

    Thordek lowered his head. This act of apparent submission, seemed to appease the Lord.

    “Listen, Thordek, the life of our Clan is at stake, I cannot take the field all by myself… I need you, but the warriors start calling you names. They still follow you out of respect for me and because they’re all honorable dwarfs, but their loyalty won’t last for long…”

    Thordek raised his eyes. He knew this wasn’t the right moment, but time was running short.

    We won’t last for long! Blame me if this pleases you, but we must face the truth. We have no more lines of defense, and the mines are gone for good. There’s nothing left between the rats and this place. We’re talking about our families, about our bloodlines. We cannot stop them.”

    took a deep and dangerous breath.

    “What are you suggesting, Thordek? Do you have some heroic idea?”

    “We need help. We have plenty of gold, and magical objects that we cannot use. There are wood elves in the northern forest, we could aid each other. Probably we won’t even have to give ‘em the gold, they are in our same boat and they know it. We cannot do it all by ourselves, Alerick, we need allies.”

    Alerick clenched his fist, and gave a hammering blow to his desk.

    “We had allies! Then they took our gold, and our beards, and then King Gotrek gave ‘em our steel! We won’t bow to some pointy ears, only because you fear to die as a dwarf. You won’t humiliate my people. High King Thorgrim would spit on this nonsense.”

    “Probably yes, but King Thorgrim is no more, the Book of Grudges is no more, and even our land is no more… we’re stuck in this chunk of our old empire, floating into the void. There are no other Clans to help us, there are only we, the elves and the endless rats. I would like to have other options, but our duty is to protect our people… “

    Alerick’s face was hard as a stone. Thordek knew he was losing also this battle.

    “Please cousin, help me! Tell something!”


    A third dwarf had remained on the sidelines. He shared many of Thordek’s worries, but when he spoke, he sealed Thordek’s last hope.

    “Here I am as the Clan’s Runelord, Thordek, not as your cousin. I appreciate your concerns, but, as you say, we must protect our people: we must protect their honor. If you don’t live by traditions, then what’s the point of living at all? Our Lord’s will is crystal clear, and I’m fully with him.”

    “This meeting ends here. Do not fail in your duty again, Thordek.” The king and his personal guard of hammerers clunked down the causeway and turned towards the heaviest fighting at the base of the eastern tower.


    And so Thordek was standing there, within the ranks of the prideful Ironbreakers on the inner bulwark and nailed to that little personal pedestal. At least the Oathstone was giving him the advantage of a good sight of the battlefield. Squeaks of pain sounded every time an engraved stone landed in the packed hordes.

    Then it happened. With a rumble, half of the eastern tower collapsed on itself, probably undermined by some tunnel work. Loads of stormvermin, flanked by a couple of Abominations, erupted within the ruins, murdering the remnants of the quarrelers in a matter of seconds.

    The King’s banner moved toward the breach, Thordek heard his brother war cry, echoed by his personal Hammerers’ guard following closely as they joined the fray. For some long minutes, it seemed the vermin would be repelled, then a dozen of stormfiends emerged, and the royal banner fell.

    The beating drums were ordering to fall back and reform, and the secondary cannon batteries were already aimed at point-blank. And Thordek knew he would have failed his brother.

    “Ironbeard. To me!”

    The massive warrior suddenly came to Thordek’s side “Yes, my lord?”.

    Thordek stepped down from the Stone. “We need reinforcements. I entrust you the Oathstone, form the Steel Wall and don’t let them pass.”

    Bewildered eyes looked at him “Sir, you aren’t supposed to…”

    “I’ll be back as soon as possible.”.

    Thordek left the formation, hurrying toward the inside of the mountain. But he had the time to hear someone say “Let him go. We’ll die better without Thordek Cowardisson”.

    Thordek proceeded toward the inner sanctum of the fortress.

    “Of course they despise me, I’m fleeing. I lied to them and they know it. Well, if this is my burden, then be it… I’ve always done the best for my Clan, I’ve always tried to save the lives of the dwarfs under my command. What do you think? That dying on the walls will save the lives of your beloved ones? There are almost a thousand women and beardlings in the Great Hall, all waiting for their fate. To die in battle is just the easy way out, you don’t hear their screams, when the rats will find ‘em!”

    Thordek’s plan was simple. He needed to save that thousand dwarfs, the future of the Clan. Firstly, he would have took all the unused magical gear that was lying in the Inner Vault. Dwarfs were too proud to use items without dwarves runes carved on them, but elves are not so choosy. Then he would have guided the women and children toward the elves, through the northern tunnel (since there were no reports about skaven in that one), collapsing the tunnel behind them. Within two days, he would have find the rangers and the border garrison… this way, he would bring also more than 50 fighters and couple of cannons with him. More important than fighting, the rangers could help forage given all the mouths he had to feed.

    The Inner Vault was huge. Thordek took an Arabyan Carpet, crafted by human wizards and therefore unusable by proper Dwarfs. Next he began to amass all the items he could find, flying from one chest to the other.

    The echo of a distant explosion stopped his search. A Rune of Immolation… time was running short.

    It was at that point that something leapt on the carpet, and a blade tried to cut its way right into Thordek’s kidney, just to be stopped by the gromril armor.

    Thordek turned to face his assailant… a couple of malevolent little eyes, a pointed snout and a fierce grin, bordered by a black cape, an Eshin Assassin.

    The poisoned blade tried to find an opening between the full plate joints, so Thordek closed the gap, clenching his armored fist upon the skaven’s wrist. A satisfying noise of broken bones.

    The grappled skaven tried to bite away Thodeks face, without much luck; the Thane grabbed firmly the head’s pelt, turning it away… and then he dropped his axe on the neck.

    The decapitated assassin fell upon the treasury, spilling blood all across the carpet; disgusted, Thordek kicked the body out and gained some height, keeping his eyes on his kill. “It’s just a drop in the bucket, but you at least, you won’t feast this night.”

    At that point, he noticed the glowing light.

    It was coming from something in the stack of the magical items; it was a red light, almost purple. The source was a strange, golden plaque, with bizarre symbols engraved on it; looking closely, the pattern resembled a sort of pyramid, with huge snakes around it. The snakes' red ruby eyes, veiled by skaven’s blood, were pulsing, in an almost hypnotic way… and the Plaque itself was absorbing the blood. Thordek was feeling a strange sense of hunger, and cannot help but to add some drop of blood, from the severed head. The pulsing become brighter.

    Something hisssssed, breaking the enchantment.

    Thordek raised his eyes; he was surrounded by many strange, blue lizard-things, with a red crest, and they were all threatening him with blowpipes.

    In the middle of the hall, a sort of.. portal? was floating mid-air, a white, luminescent oval, growing larger each second. From it, a dozen warbeasts were coming, followed by other lizard-things with spears, prodding them forward, when they tried to stop to smell the dead rat.

    “This cannot be… I know what this things are. These should be the Lizardmen, I remember them from my Grandfater’s stories, but… but…”.

    The lizards with blowpipes didn’t care about his confusion and remained hostile; for once, Thordek didn’t knew what to do.

    Then the portal become even larger, and something impossible emerged from it. It was a huge beast, bigger than a steamtank, with a massive, three horned armored head. Upon it, there was a sort of palanquin, with a large banner, made entirely of… fur? “it isn’t simple fur”, realized Thordek “those are skaven pelts”.

    On the palanquin, there was another red-crested lizard, stouter than the other ones, armed with a serpentine blade, and with a golden plaque on its chest, very similar to the one that was at Thordek’s feet… and that now was levitating, at a gesture of the lizardchief’s hand, floating toward him.

    He finally took the plaque, caressing it, then he looked at Thordek, which was still holding the severed head of the skaven. The lizardchief hissed something, and the blowpipers relaxed, diverting their attention from Thordek.

    The whole lizardmen army started moving across the Inner Vault and into the tunnel, toward the sounds of battle. Other lizardmen were emerging from the portal: another three-horned beast with a ballista on it, then more red-crested little ones, accompanied by large crocodile-like beings; a seemingly endless river of troops.

    And Thordek realized that the Ironbreakers were in its path.

    “For the Ancestors, someone must tell them that reinforcements are arriving!”

    He moved the carpet at full speed, heading for the light of the day.


    The Inner Hall was lit by just some torches; the flickering light was casting bizarre shadows and reflections on the ancient banners and the adorned shields, decorating the massive stone walls. It was dark and cold… appropriate for the time being. Thordek Connarsson was used to his brother’s tirades. Nonetheless, they hurt him just the same.

    The oathstone and the handing of authority to Thordek was the catalyst for his later heretical actions - NOT his heretical views led to someone thinking it was a good idea to give him the oathstone and authority. Therefore he gets the pivotal responsibility thrust on him immediately, not after a half story of whining and excuses. Another possible pivot point in the original story is when he runs away, as I suggested earlier, but that didn't give enough space to establish his character as anything other than a big chicken with a luxurious beard. If this was happening for real I would rewrite ALL of the dialogue to suit a much more urgent setting than a cold hall. And please give the poor Runelord a name before Bowser does it for you.

    Oh, I deconstruct lots of things without regard for anyone's feelings. The lucky ones get to ask me to do it first. I think some of them secretly enjoy it. If you don't want me to trample all over your stuff in future, I usually respond favourably to "Bob, please don't trample all over my stuff in future".
    What happened here is what I do a lot with my own stuff, which is to use exactly the same ideas and dialogue and try to shuffle them into a more logical / less bumpy sequence.

    Thanks for inviting me to play in your sand pit.
     
  6. Killer Angel
    Slann

    Killer Angel Prophet of the Stars Staff Member

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    Happy to hear that.
    And welcome in my Playground. :D
     
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  7. Bowser
    Slann

    Bowser Third Spawning

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    Too late for that! Obviously the runelord would be called Jonrye Stavies.
     
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  8. spawning of Bob
    Skar-Veteran

    spawning of Bob Well-Known Member

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    < resounding eggshell palm >
     
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