Contest April-May 2016 Short Story Contest Voting Thread

Redrafting is a bit off a strong word for what I usually do. I look for bumps and hollows in the plot that need to be smoothed with a bit of description or a line of ... expository... dialogue. I will often rearrange the order of phrases in long sentences or sentences in long paragraphs so that ideas are presented logically and sequentially. Typos are hunted down and weak words are fed to the Thesaurus.

This proof read was different because the language of the character was almost foreign, and, being in first person, even his thoughts needed to be translated out of my usual style. Where once I could have said "it shone with a blue aura", I had to work harder to say things like " it was funny to look at, like when you look at the sun and there is a bright patch afterwards. The glow was there, but not really there if you looked at it real hard." - the observations needed to be made in a language known to the kid. When I do the director's cut, I am sure I will find other phrases that it was impossible for the characters to have said / thought.

In the meantime, I would recommend to anyone to write something, proof read, and then don't look at it for a week. Fresh eyes help you to see the thing you have written rather than the thing you imagined you wrote.

My other recommendation is to never consider a story "finished". If you spot an error or an opportunity in future, then go ahead and fix it. It's not cheating, future readers will thank you and Tolkien did it. And he's dead, so you should follow his example.

 

That makes no sense. And after failing to spot you last time, I didn't try too hard this time. The "he'll be the one who wrote good skaven" test wasn't much use either.

In hindsight, Scalenex's piece could only have been written by Scalenex, but I guessed you after you boasted that yours was obvious. I looked for a messed up story where someone killed a friend or relative and then justified themselves afterwards. To find that I didn't need to read past story one. Turns out you wrote a messed up story where someone killed themself and justified it beforehand. Your literary scope is growing exponentially.

 

hahahaha classic bob!

 

I thought the Inquisirats were a good giveaway, not to mention Ironfur I believe has appeared in a UE story comp that Scalenex won, and several key words cropped up throughout: "stars" "dark" "gloom" "shadow" "glowing" "dim" "extinguished" and a lot of focussing on eyes. I'm kinda surprised I didn't unconsciously put some kind of candle in there, but you can usually tell my pieces by (the over) use of light effects (and shadows), a mention of stars, describing a candle as being a living thing, and a focus on eyes.

 

You were one of the chosen for my half-formed review too. Trinity was one of my favourites:

Trinity

I enjoyed this one. My initial expectation was for it to be another battle story however this was quickly erased by the psychological narrative – battles are exciting but expected; battles with psyche are great; psychological depth to the Lizardmen is rare. Most stories establish ideas of want but these are often foundational character traits on which the stories are built. Here it is wrestled with, and I enjoyed the focus it was given. This summarises my experience with this story: it never went quire where I expected it to.

I found the tension here palpable, far more than most of the other stories. The growing atmosphere suspicion and jealousy between the two Saurus, the question over the lucidity of the champion’s perspective, the interpretations gained from even the smallest social cues – all integrated within a delicate narrative which built up to a satisfactory ending.

I nearly choked on my tea with the more carnal metaphor – although appropriate for Slaaneshi story it wasn't something I was expecting. On one level the carnality existed within the relationship tension between the two Saurus; a projection of jealousy from the narrator, and a manifestation of the theme of authority (which I'll go into later.) On the other level it hinged on the sword and worked well to tie the story to the object on a meta-level. For the first point, I'm not sure if you could label a story based on sexless society as homoerotic, but it matters not given the tone produced anyway, and the fact that us on L-O tend to favour in male pronouns for our sexless lizards. I actually liked this subtle route as it highlighted the change in the narrator's relationship with Chosi - regarding him both as a threat to his current companion (the sword), and how the narrator obsesses over Chosi's capability. Moving to the second point, I’m unsure if the author intended to have so much phallic metaphor either, but from a technical stand-point I found it got a little bit overbeaten towards the end. Perhaps I'm over-analysing? Carnality wouldn’t have been the way I’d have gone with it: in my Saaneshi-Lizardmen story a few competitions ago I avoided the motif as canality was not something that affected the Lizardmen, focusing instead on concepts of social bonding. However here it was used as a technique to influence the meta-narrative, and weaved a slightly perturbing tone because of it. This only added to the already taught atmosphere.

The second theme I picked up was authority: the narrator has martial authority over Chosi. The sword has mental control over the narrator, and as such also controls on how the audience perceive the events. I couldn't help but reflect on awkward incidences and stories of undue and unwanted attention from those senior, whether that be through age, social standing, work, etc. That it made me connect with a real-life problem, one that could greatly affect someone's life, and then bring that atmosphere into the writing to create a palpable tension was good display of writing skill. My only misgiving is that at points the story could do with some breathing space: tension is at its most cruel when it is unrelenting, but the audience is unaware of it relentlessness and is tricked into thinking it's eased its grip. But this is a short story contest so waffle is at a premium.

The denouement was rewarding – I was worried it might become melodramatic, but the pitiful image of a Saurus fighting back against blade with a stick was powerful enough to ram home the point of his superior’s betrayal. Right until the end this story plays you – the champion’s sudden hesitation at the thought of slaying his kin promises redemption, but instead the opportunity for Chosi to act only spurs on the champion’s resolve: a moment of clarity only furthers the corruption rather then draw it back. The most horrific part of the end wasn't the suicide, but the concept behind it - blade on flesh is subverted to be a union rather than a divider. I could almost imagine a daemon inside the blade easing into its new host.

 

Wow what a great review. I'm on my phone at the moment but I will go over fully later. Thanks for such effort in the write up!

 

I'd be intrested to know who voted my story if they'd be forthcoming if not don't worry

 

My answer depends on if you are getting the nice list out and if you really know if I'm being bad or good in real time.

 

Real time? I deliver millions of gifts in one night - what you an I consider real time are too very different things dearest Bob

 

I didn't vote for you.

 

I didn't think you did

 

Under the circumstances I thought honesty was the best policy.

 

Its good to know your morals are circumstantial

 

Okay thanks so much for this.

Although I only had 4 votes, I am pleased that my story seems to have stuck with some people.

Sword = phallic = mind blown
No I did not intend or even notice that one. But you are correct. Perhaps I should have made it spear. Or a cub. Or a polearm.

Otherwise your review was fantastic, it is mostly everything that I was shooting for. Cheers

After reading this I think I am going to move most of these to my thread in the forum. I would love to have them all together to read over.

 

Yeah, you were very gentle. You had the most cup points in the top three, but the Lady killed you overall.

Congratulations @Lady Tor'ti Llaz.

 

It also seemed like @Lady Tor'ti Llaz signed up for the forum, just to submit a new piece with a fresh take on Saurus interactions.

Firstly, thank you so much for awarding me with the Scalenex cup. I may not have made the top three, but I did make Most Bloodthirsty Looney In The Competition. I do feel the floating ocelot telling me to add more gore gave me an unfair advantage, though. Anyway, my sincere thanks for the Cup and the congratulations. I must admit, I had no idea there was a short story competition until I'd signed up for the forum. My sister said the people on here were friendly, and I wanted to see other people's figures.