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Discussion Origins.

Is my story any good?

  • Good

    Votes: 3 75.0%

  • Ok

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • so bad it made me smash all my warhammer and leave my wife

    Votes: 1 25.0%
  • Total voters
    4
  • Poll closed .
Yes! Great battle! Surprised me! Handled with the perfect amount of physical comedy and seriousness that comes from a fight like that!
 
Yeah, but it was an accident. Also, the way the slann just assumed that Zlaqua was lying and was told to do it by someone was a bit paranoid.
Cough, remember that, cough.


Lying in darkness, Zlaqua became aware of a slowly growing pain in his arm. It peaked and made him gasp, then the darkness around him parted and he was stood in a circle of Slann.
His head whipped around as he heard Mazdamundi murmer "Traitor,"
Another Slann answered him.
"Guilty,"
"Dishonest,"
Zlaqua turned to Lord Kroak, who went to open his flabby mouth but golden rope popped into existence around it.
"Mmmm! Mmnnnmm!"

And then Bralterakus was stood in the circle with him. But Bralterakus hadn't got glowing green eyes. Or huge copper hands.
He leapt forward, catching the fireball Mazdamundi launched at him, and brushed his hand against Mazdamundi's huge belly. There was barely any contact, but his belly ruptured, spilling maggots across the floor. The First slann howled as the rest of his body slowly deflated like a balloon.
Then the maggots swirled upwards into the form of a man.
The slanns to either side also exploded, one in blue flame, and one was torn apart by purple pincers from inside it. The fire formed into a roughly human shape with a bizzarely avian head, and the humanoid with pincers climbed out the sack of fabric that had once been a slann.
They stood in a line.
The middle one - the pincer one - glanced up and took a step back, and a huge, red-armoured giant landed where it had stood seconds ago.

Bralterakus shook his head to clear it and ran at the red one, swinging his gauntlets. When the gauntlets brushed the red armour, Bralterakus himself was thrown (with a yelp of surprise) into an invisible wall a couple of meters away. The gauntlets crumpled, but Bralterakus just bounced off. He landed on his face but sprang back up and ran at them again.
Zlaqua tried to tell him to stop, that the power in the room had shifted, but he couldn't open his mouth. He looked down, and a frightened gasp came out of what had used to be his mouth. His flesh was green, and his guts hung out his belly. A quick check revealed black horns on his head and his eyes were close together on the front of his head.
The maggot form reached out an arm, and one of Bralterakus' arms rotted away, a cloud of flies swarming over his ruined stump. He roared in pain but continued towards the group of four. The humanoid with the purple pincers blurred forwards towards him.
There really was no other word for it. The creature was so fast, it couldn't be described.
It thumped him four or five times with its closed pincers (it was hard to count), and in return he slapped it across the face. It hadn't done him any serious harm until then, but it opened a pincer and grabbed him around the waist, mulching flesh as it lifted him to its head height.
"Yuwlldynw" it hissed.
At a growl from the red giant, it dropped him and retreated back to its place.
The red one walked forward to Bralterakus, who slowly sat up, groaning.
It looked him right in the face, and Bralterakus spat.

Like a sniper, the shot flew into the slit in the helmet that the armoured giant saw out of. He (it seemed like a he) stumbled backwards, his hands going to his face. When he remembered the helmet, he stormed forward and slashed through Bralterakus body. With a wet schlack, the half of Bralterakus above his belly fell onto his legs, which twitched briefly then stilled.

Zlaqua, realising this was a dream, was saddened by Bralterakus' apparent demise but not particularly surprised. Then the corpse burst into blue fire, and crumbled to black sand. The fire-one lowered his hand.
The four took a step closer to Zlaqua.
"You don't deserve this world," snarled the red armoured one.
"Noudnt" agreed the fast one with pincers.
The red one was stood right in front of him, and slowly leant down and clasped him by the shoulders.
Zlaqua was in agony for a second, then blank darkness again. Then someone grasped his shoulders…§$&\>§€&£>€§^¥…the darkness parted… §€^€~€}=>}\]=[=]\{}€… he darted into the corner of the room he was in and bared his teeth. And hissed.
Bralterakus raised his eyebrows.
"You ok? You were twitching and muttering and at one point you had a two-sided conversation with yourself."
Zlaqua slowly forced himself to calm down. He glanced down at himself. His left arm was in a cast.
"You broke it when you fell off that rat ogre. Well done by the way."
"Something terrible is going to happen to the Slann," he explained, "and we have to warn them."
Looking around, he couldn't see either Aletea or Emma.
"Where are Aletea and Emma? Didn't we free them?"
Bralterakus' semi-permanent smirk faded. "No, it turns out we busted the wrong joint. They hadn't been captured by Slavers, they'd been captured by the beautiful necklace shop three streets down. Aletea pilfered a small warpstone necklace, and Emma convinced her to anonymously return it."
Zlaqua frowned. "I did wonder how you knew which tent they were in,"
"The smell of warpstone," Bralterakus explained,"You can't smell it unless you're around it all the time. My old armour literally ran off warpstone, so I can smell it anywhere. Warpstone meant Skaven, and there's only one Skaven slaver organisation in this town."

"Right. So I've broken my arm for nothing, you've... well, the way you were griping on the way back here, you've probably damaged something, and through the combined power of my boasts and your assumptions, we've annoyed every Skaven in town. Also, something really bad is going to happen to the Slann in Lustria soon, and we've got no way of getting there... the next few days look like they're going to be very interesting..."
 
That beginning sequence was amazing! The imagery while grotesque was brilliant! Just completely blown away by how good that was!
 
Took me a while but I finally read through the entire origin story.

I will have to read it again. So many mind-blowing stuff:

Conspiracy amongst the slann???
Skink trying to murder Lord Mazdamundi?
Lord Kroak using a skink as his pawn to unit the humans?
Chaos gods about to kill off all the slann?
Skaven and vampires alive and well, and existing before the great catastrophe causing disasters in a world where humans, lizards, and rats can exist in the same city without raising suspicion? This is a strange new (or old?) world!

Honestly your story has me pretty well floored and confused, but I like it!! I don't really know how this all comes together yet, or where you are going with this, but considering something interesting happens every page I am looking forward to what you got for us next.
 
So, guys. A lot of the action has been focused pretty much entirely on Zlaqua and Bralterakus, and very little has been focused on Emily and Co. So this part is focused on her.

Emily walked into her rooms and found Zlaqua and Bralterakus talking. Zlaqua still had his cast on.
"-and because of my dream,I…"
"Wait, Zlaqua, what was that about a dream? she asked, suddenly curious.
"I had a dream about Slann dying... Oh. You dont know what Slann are. They're basically-"
"Overweight frogs in floating wheelchairs," she interjected, "Which is apparently the only thing anyone around here is dreaming about."
She dumped the bag of potatoes and carrots on the table.She had to do the shopping - Zlaqua had no idea what humans ate, Bralterakus was happy to eat bacon for every meal, and Emma and Aletea just weren't imposing enough to barter. They just got laughed out of the shop.
"The woman in the shop mentioned her dream to me. It was exactly the same as mine, and I think it might be identical to yours."
Bralterakus seemed nonplussed.
"So? Mass-dreamings have happened before, usually when some Bright Wizard is messing with stuff he shouldn't."
Emily shook her head.
"Really? Bralterakus, everyone in the Empire got a close look at your face. There's rumours that the Emperor himself is looking for you. You and Zlaqua can't go outside until we find a boat to Lustria."
Zlaqua was zoned out, and took a few seconds to recover.
"Kroak says that the boat is called the Boaty Mcboatface. It isn't going to lustria, it'll get blown off course."

Emily shrugged. "Anyway, you said Kroak said two would survive. That means two of us stay behind."
Bralterakus cleared his throat.
"The original plan was to get you and your sisters bodyguards, yes? So we do that for your sisters and then you come. I assume I'm going, as well."
Emily stepped back, feeling the need to defend her sleeping sisters.
"Why me? Why not- oh. Queenspeech."
Bralterakus nodded.
"That, and your fitness. Both your sisters lack the aptitude and stamina for jungle treks. Also, without Queenspeech, they just become dead weight."
Emily tossed a raw potato at his face - he caught it one handed and went to bite into it. "No wait, that's not an app- Never mind. I need to think about this. Zlaqua, you need to come with me to find the Boaty Mcboatface or whatever, and Bralterakus - stay inside, shut the curtains, and don't answer the door."
He mock-saluted.

Zlaqua climbed to his feet and trotted to Emilys side obediently. She waved to a neighbour as they left.
"Emily, how did you meet Bralterakus?
"I approached him in a bar. I needed an army to win back my throne, and he was the leader of an army of mercenaries. He sobered up quite quickly when we mentioned the ten thousand ur-gold, and we kind of got along for a while."

Zlaqua nodded, and they turned a corner onto a busy street.
"Are you - that man just took your wallet."
The man was easily seven foot and almost as large as Bralterakus, and turned to Zlaqua with a scowl.
Emily gave a small, scared smile.
"No, he didn't mean it. My blue friend doesn't understand how things work round here. Please just ignore him."
The huge dreadlocked man looked at Zlaqua and spat on the floor in front of him. Zlaqua just stood there. The man had begun to walk away when Zlaqua shouted "Yeah, you better run, you coward! I could take you with both my arms in casts!"

Emily reached out with both hands and grabbed him by the mouth and held it shut.
"Umm... what do you want that we could give you? As repayment for my-" she kicked Zlaqua in the shin and he stopped struggling "-former friends awful slander."
"You talk posh." the man grunted.
Queenspeech on.
"Bralterakus, could you please come and beat this mans teeth out? ASAP?"
Queenspeech off.

The thing about Queenspeech - if you know the person that you're calling by name, and I mean know them, to the point where you can predict their movements and comments, you can command them over any distance. They will always hear you.

Emily looked up into the leering, broken-toothed mouth of the peasant. All she had to do was delay until Bralterakus arrived...
Oh no. He needed to stay inside- oh well, maybe his new notoriety would help him get here faster.

The peasant tried to kick her - a heavy, powerful blow that would have knocked her out the fight if it had connected. Happily, Mr. Dreadlocks was a few feet to far away. She released Zlaqua, and shoved him behind her. This was going to be brutal.

Mr Dreadlocks tried to punch Emily, she stepped out the way and countered with a karate chop that came surprisingly close to landing. Dancing away from Mr Dreadlocks blows, she impressed several of the audience that was slowly forming around them with her speed. Things were looking up, and then she slipped in a horse turd. Her head clacked against the cobblestones, and a dull ringing started inside her head. Everything seemed to be happening faster now, the peasant walked forwards towards Zlaqua like he was running.

Then a black figure popped into the peasants path from the crowd. They were shoved out the way, but grasped his arm and performed some complicated arm lock that splintered his bone. Even with all the timing problems, she could tell it was moving faster than human when it picked him up with one hand and threw him into the side of a passing coach. The coach splintered on impact, shards of sharp wood scattering the crowd. The human was impaled on a particularly large chunk, and the cloaked figure dipped a finger in his blood as they approached. Then a mist appeared, and when it cleared (seconds later) the figures were both gone.

Emily struggled up from the cobbles, and went to Zlaqua, who was sitting down.She lifted him to his feet and smacked him across the face gently.
"What? Why would you say that?"
Zlaqua touched his slowly reddening cheek.
"Bralterakus says to 'never take disrespect off other people.' That man was disrespecting you. I had to stop it."

Bralterakus jogged up out of the alley.
"Hey, who do I need to beat up?"
Emily pointed at Zlaqua.
"Did you tell him to start fight with people who disrespect him?"
"No, I dont think so... why? Who'd he try to fight?"
"This huge guy with dreadlocks. I tried to stop him, but I fell over - ha ha, yes, get over it - and this mystery vigilante turned up again. I think it was female, I got a definite glimpse of long red hair and I think she had boobs as well."
Bralterakus whistled slowly.
"We should beat up Zlaqua, see if she comes then. Is she human?"
"She couldn't be human," Zlaqua interrupted, "She threw that guy at least thirteen foot. Also, I think shes the vampire I met earlier on my travels."
Zlaqua scratched his wrist subconsciously.
Emily noticed.
"Zlaqua, show me your wrist."
He held out his arm for inspection.
"No, the other side..."
"It hurts if I hold it like that."
"It shouldn't."
Bralterakus grabbed Zlaqua's arm and twisted. On the underside of the wrist was a symbol. It looked like a skull but more artistic and flowing, like it had been cast in metal.
Bralterakus released his arm when the symbol began to steam.
"Emily, you and me will escort Zlaqua to the Bright College. I know a guy there that could recognise this symbol. Then we'll go find Boaty Mcboatface, then we'll meet back up with Zlaqua at, say, about 3. Is it really only 12? It feels like more time has passed...Anyway, its a plan. Lets go!"
 
What do you guys think of the multiple perspectives? I think that it fills in a lot of detail in the overall story, but you know, I'm not the one reading this story, so... I'm open to suggestions or criticism.
 
There is no problem with the changing of points of view - you just choose which character's point of view by who is best qualified to see / feel what you want in a given scene. Also, the point of view helps to define your character's attitudes as well as their actions. It's a good thing to mix it up if you have an ensemble cast.

I guess if it was ALWAYS someone's point of view and you switched just once..... that is actually a good way to deliver a plot twist.

I will change PoV sometimes several times within one chapter - with line breaks in between (a complex event like a battle being seen from two sides). On the rare occasion that I change perspective without warning in mid chapter, I only do it if I can't think of another way to show what I want the reader to see.

Back to your question about your story. I had to go back to figure out where the PoV changed - it was smooth, logical and the pace of the story didn't change. Keep doing that.

And aren't you back a day early from your mock GCSEs? I knew this would happen.
 
Bralterakus led Zlaqua and Emily through the streets. They were as crowded as usual, but for some reason almost silent. They parted in front of Bralterakus like they were scared of him.
-{ I'm bored. Can I look inside your new friends heads? I promise not to poke anything.}-
Zlaqua coughed quietly. The atmosphere of quiet sadness was so strong that even he could pick up on it, and being noisy just seemed... wrong. Like giggling during a sacrifice to Sotek.
I'll ask them. If either of them say no, then don't go into their heads. Humans enjoy the idea of privacy. Also, don't share the details with me unless it's life-and-death important.
Zlaqua tugged on Emilys sleeve. She turned, and whispered to him.
"They've had the dream. Bralterakus needs some kind of disguise."
Zlaqua nodded.
"Maybe some kind of veil, or a shawl.Um, anyway, can Kroak have a loo-“
-{LORD Kroak, thank you.}-
"Can Lord Kroak have a look inside your mind? He says hes bored, and promises not to poke anything. Whatever that means."
Emily shook her head.
"My thoughts are mine, Zlaqua, and I don't want to share them all. It's a no from me."
With a small oh, Zlaqua nodded and trotted forward so he was next to Bralterakus.
"We're here."
Zlaqua stepped back amd looked at the three huge red-bricked buildings. They looked like factories, not the main home of Bright Wizardry in the whole empire.

Forgetting completely about Kroaks request, Zlaqua was led quickly by Bralterakus through the corridors - empty as lessons and lectures were happening - to a small office in the basement.
Before he could knock, Emily slid in front of him.
"Bralterakus, your 'expert' lives in a basement? We should just go now. He doesn't sound much like an expert."
He lifted a hand and gently pulled the door open behind her.
"He paid a gang to beat up another teacher. Nothing could be proved though, so he got shifted around until he was moved here. No-one really likes him, but trust me, he knows his stuff. Move please."
She moved and he swept the door open.

The inside of the room was like something out of a really old horror film. Cobwebs were everywhere and gothic furniture and skulls were the main furniture. A dozen albino mice ran around inside a small open-topped plastic cube. Some body parts (non-human, but one looked suspiciously giantish) were floating in yellow liquid in huge glass jars on a shelf in the far side of the room. Everything stank of cliché.

A hunchbacked man stuck his head out of another door across the room.
"Yesssssss?"
Bralterakus stepped forward.
"We've come to meet the great amd powerful wizard Amynhotep. If he isn't in we can always leave..."
Upon spotting Bralterakus the hunchback stopped. In a normal human voice he spoke "I am Amynhotep! But frankly, your perceptive skills are pitiful. I'm surprised you didn't recognise me."
With a quick "Wait here" he walked off. A cloth screen on a wall lit up, and they saw the silhouette of the hunchback have parts taken off him - a disguise? - by strange angular arms.
-{Robots}-
I'm sorry? What are they?
-{Not important.}-
When it was finished, he looked normal. The light behind the screen flicked off and they were left to wait. Zlaqua caught a distinct glare Emily sent at Bralterakus back. From his uncomfortable twitches, Bralterakus knew exactly what was burning a hole in his back.
"He's a weird! You promised Aletea that you would stay away from weirds!"
Bralterakus didn't turn.
"Well, sometimes to get what you want you have to put up with someone you dislike. Isn't that true, Kroak?"
-{ Can I?}-
Knock yourself out. But don't shame me please.
Zlaqua saw his head bob up and down as Kroak nodded.
"This is true. More successful people have to do it all the time. Me. Bralterakus. Sigmar. That dwarf guy in charge of all dwarves. Nagash - ok, not really. Nagash just killed everyone who didn't worship him. But lots do. And more fail to rise up by shunning people than do rise. Its quite tragic."
Emily stared at Zlaqua.
"Yeah, but breaking promises to a friend is not the right thing to do. And who's Nagash?"
-{Not important}-
Kroak shrugged Zlaqua's shoulders, and relinquished control.

A normal man walked into the room. He was just normal. He had no distinguishing features. If this man killed your gran with a spoon in front of you, ten minutes later you could walk past him in the street without noticing or remembering him.
He wore a grey coat, and from Bralterakus reaction he was clearly the wizard. He beckoned them through the door he had just left, and led them through a clean carpeted hall to an incredibly clean room. It was almost all white - even the scientist-wizards watching something through a tinted glass screen were dressed in white.

Bralterakus walked to him.
"But what was the Goth stuff for?"
"The thing is, ever since I hired that ga- that is, was unfairly suspected of paying the gang to knock out Mr Baratheon, his mother Cersei has been a right pig. I'm looking for employment with the dark elves, and all their Wizards have a thing for skulls and gothic architecture..." The conversation slowly faded out. Emily stood where she was, and Zlaqua's slowly growing understanding of humans facial expressions suggested that he should leave her alone. Discussing the role of the tomb kings in the great plan with Kroak, he almost zoned out completely. He walked forward when he heard Bralterakus call his name, and presented his arm.
-{I don't think that they'll survive to recolonise the world. I think that they're doomed. It's just taken them this long to realise it, that's all.}-
No, the Old Ones and the tomb kings own gods would not stand for it. Nor would their Queen Settra. Trust me, Tomb Kings will never die out.
-{Good. You hold on to that denial. If enough people pray for their survival, maybe the Great Wonnes servants will ressurect them. Now pay attention to Bralteracus. This part is important}-
"-is probably a tracking sigil. It's used sometimes by overly anxious mothers to track babies. A range of five miles - ish, it depends on the background magical interference and proximity to strong magic. Who carved it on?"
"A vampire," answered Zlaqua nervously. "A vampire who has been very careful that I don't get killed or too badly hurt."
The wizard - Aninhoptec or something - laughed quickly.
"Well, they failed, didn't they?" He gestured at Zlaqua's arm. The broken one, in a cast.
"A vampire protecting me from lethal injuries. A tracking sigil torn into my arm. I need to get back to Lustria-"
Oh no.
The vampire wanted to get to Lustria. She wanted the locations of the temple-cities, and the routes trade envoys took. She was going to use Zlaqua to plan a devastating first strike against the Lizardmen, and he had nearly doomed them all.
 
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-{two seconds}-
A burst of searing white light from Zlaqua's eyes neatly burnt a long scar through the sigil. He yelped in pain, and hopped around grabbing his wrist. Bralterakus knew that Kroak was to blame, but he had no idea even how to start having a go.
"What? Why would Kroak do that?"
Zlaqua sucked his wrist.
"The sigil was to track our movements into lustria. The vampire wanted to find my country and attack it."
Bralterakus shook his head. "But why? What does lustria offer invaders apart from a slow and painful death? Oh, and lots of gold."
The wizard Amynhotep pulled Zlaqua's arm towards him.
"This sigil has traces of light magic in it, but I can't find any dark magic. You said the Vampiress carved it with her nails? There would be dark magic. Vampires rely on dark magic to live."
Bralterakus shrugged. "Maybe you aren't looking hard enough.

- - - -

Emily was bored. She wanted to leave. So she pushed her way into the small huddle and asked loudly and pointedly if the sigil was disabled. Amynhotep said yes, but to cut the arm off just to be sure. One glance at the way he was angling his head at another, empty glass jar full of yellow preservative was enough to convince her that he was no good.
"Oh, is that the time? Wow, we're sorry to have interrupted you for so long. We'll just go now."
Amynhotep tried to argue, but she swept past him and headed for the exit.
"I can't let you leave... you might tell the Bright University what I am doing down here."
Despite herself, her curiousity was piqued.
"What are you doing down here?"
"Work. If they stop thinking that I spend my life learning sigils and posing in dramatic ways, and start believing that I am close to isolating the particle of magic, I will never be allowed to leave. And I desperately want to go and join the Dark Elves. Their witch-king has almost no laws against the pursuit of knowledge."
"Uhh, great. We'll tell them that you spend your time posing dramatically, and mildly torturing your dwarf assistant."
"How?... The soundproofing. I knew it was leaking! Dammit, I have to... You lot, wait here. I'll be back in half an hour."
Amynhotep left. Emily shrugged to Bralterakus and Zlaqua, and opened the door back to the corridor. They walked briskly along it, and out into the gothic study.
"I must tell you something."
A huge shadow - far larger than Bralterakus - detached itself from the shadows and blocked their path. It was a solid gold man, with a huge blue and white shield and thick golden armour.
-{How? Stormcast don't exist until Chaos destr- How does Sigmar have them? Zlaqua, let me use your mouth.}-
NO, you'll get us in a fight. We won't win this one.
Bralterakus stepped forward hesitantly. This man was huge, and didn't look entirely human.
"What do you have to say?"
Emily. She was rapidly rising in Zlaqua's opinion, and she showed no fear now as she addressed the titan.
It rumbled and shifted slightly, then answered.
"The great and powerful Sigmar requests you attend his ball. All three have invites, and I understand that he wishes to talk to you two," he nodded at Bralterakus and Zlaqua, "personally."

Emily and Zlaqua were sent back to their lodgings to pack. Bralterakus was pre-packed, and so went to check out the Boaty Mcboatface and secure the tickets.

Emily was in a weird kind of good mood. Happy conversation was bubbling out of her, and she bounced around her room as Zlaqua helped her pack.
"These shoes? They look unsuitable for jungle travel. Have these. The mud is very acidic - strong boots are a must."
Emily grinned as she tossed them into her sack. "Zlaqua, can you believe that we're going to a ball? Invited by the Emperor himself? We're going up in the world! I need a dress. What do you think he'll be like? Stiff, grumpy, or calm and good-natured?"
Zlaqua shrugged as he packed away her final piece of clothing.
"I think he'll be approachable but calm and regal. Most heroes are, apart from the great fighters who get scarred by the fighting. Those poor warriors need a purpose, so they becomes temple guard. They solely devote themselves to the slann, and in return the slann.. doesn't do much in return, actually."
Emily stopped folding.
"So why don't you just get rid of the slann? I mean, vote in a skink as leader, and take over. A slann can fend for itself, right?"
"I, I suppose it could..."
"Yeah," Emily spoke quietly, "Dictators and royal families can only last so long against the tide of democracy. That's why I no longer have a kingdom."
And she turned away from Zlaqua, and got on with stripping the bed of its linen.

There are three paths that the world could have taken here. Either Kroak admit the injustice of a fat species of slug ruling over everything else (a decision that would ultimately doom the world through a combination of Chaos, politics and bad strategies), he could have said nothing and allow Zlaqua to reach his own conclusion (arguably the most un-dictator thing he could do, proving Emily wrong and saving the world from the End Times via skink colonies in Chaos and on the moon ) and he could have ignored Zlaqua's emotional troubles, and acted more like a dictator thsn ever before.

-{Heresy! Chase her and slit her throat! These poisonous ideas cannot be allowed to reach lustria! If you won't, then I will take over you and kill her through you!}-
No. She is allowed free speech. And you can't take me over or smite her from a distance, because of Queenspeech. You are powerless here, Kroak. I am in charge.
-{but, but I am a slann. You're coming to visit me to help me find out what murdered- where the Old Ones went. You can't reject the Old Ones! You CAN'T! }-
Maybe the Old Ones aren't meant to be in charge. Maybe Emily is right. Maybe it is time for democracy.
-{This is your final chance. Kill Emily and Bralterakus, and you can live. I might even allow you to Skink Priest status.}-
No.
-{because of the Intel on humans you've given me, I will secure your landing on Lustria. But if I ever hear of you again, I will make your death last for weeks.}-
Zlaqua felt Kroak leave. There was a small bit left, he felt it. Just enough to secure his location and blow his brains out if he interfered.

Bralterakus was back inside the hostel, three beautiful silk dresses - one red, one green and one blue in a hand and a black suit in the other. He passed the dress to Emily and waved the suit at Zlaqua.
"Oh, wait..."
He fished through the pockets.
"Here! Three tickets for Mehhiho City!"
He glanced at Zlaqua. Emily had cheered up a lot, and even gave him a hug for the dress.
"It must've cost you an arm and a leg!"
Bralterakus had a slightly strained expression on his face as he nodded.

Kroaks deep rasping laugh echoed around the inside of Zlaqua's head.
-{Dammit. Caught by my sense of humour. Fine, I'll leave now.}-
It felt like a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders. It was so good, he managed to smile at Bralterakus and congratulate him.

"Emily, could you Queenspeech Kroak away? And not get him to come back unless I want him to."
"Ok. Kroak, get out of Zlaqua's head. Don't go back in unless he gives you permission without tricks or illusions."
Bralterakus looked at him.
"Why, has he been giving you problems?"
Zlaqua nodded, trying desperately to keep calm.
"You could say that..."
 
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Stormcast? Here? Awesome!
Otzi'mandias said:
Kroaks deep rasping laugh echoed around the inside of Zlaqua's head.
-{Dammit. Caught by my sense of humour. Fine, I'll leave now.}-
Click to expand...
Good to know he and I have the same sense of humour!
 
With Kroaks dramatic exit, I thought that I could add another character. This one could replace him, and at the same time add a touch of failure and negativity to the team. And a bit more humour. He was a creation by my brother, and I promised he would get a piece in my story. He might become more important, depending on how much you like him, and I have a couple of ideas as to how to entwine him with Zlaqua and Emilys eventual plot twists. Anyway, now for the story!

Marvolo was bored. His meagre street audience (of two) wasn't even bothering to clap and cheer any more at his weak collection of card tricks. He needed to wrap up soon, it was getting dark and he needed to rush to get to any of the good homeless spots. At least they'd given him a couple of coins, but anyway, now for the big finale...
"And for my next and final trick I need a 20 ur-gold note. Thank you, thank you. You see how my hands are empty? Nothing up my sleeve? Good. Now pass the ur-gold... thank you. OH MY GOD IT'S A DRAGON!"
The hapless couple flinched and turned - Marvolo hopped over the low wall he was leaning on and lay down quickly behind it. He dropped a couple of smoke pellets just so he could look vaguely magical.
The couple turned back around, and cursed when they saw he had vanished with their money.
"Thief! Next time I see you you'll wish you had been eaten by a dragon! Just goes to show, all homeless are criminals."
The angry ranting drew quiet as they walked away. Marvolo (Marv for short, unless he was doing one of his many magic tricks) sat up, his purple cloaks silver stars and moons glittering in the faint lamplight. He hopped back over the wall, and picked up the two - apparently defective - smoke pellets. With 20ur, he could get a half decent breakfast tomorrow. With a dog, too. People were always more friendly to hobos with dogs. Also, if things got really bad, he could eat it.

He started down the country road towards the empty barn he rented a space in. It was owned by Tomas, a local gangster, and he made a living by it. 5ur a week, with free water and guaranteed safety. Easily worth it in a neighbourhood like this.

Situated on an island halfway between the Empire and Naggaroth, Yamayca City was a vast, sprawling slum. The sole income some people got was from tricking tourists into parting with their cash. And there were a lot of tourists - foolish botanists who went deep into lustria for new plants, wizards whose ego couldn't handle the fact that an eight-hundred-year old slug was better than them at magic and wanted a duel (Marv had seen one duel once, and that was why he had given up real magic and gone into conjuring and illusions), treasure seekers whose inability to comprehend that maybe, just maybe, the Lizardmen might take offence at their sacred relics being stolen ended with them parting with their heart. The list goes on. No-one came to Yamayca City without wanting to be somewhere else, quickly. Even if someone did come here for the varied, mostly criminal culture, they'd find themselves quickly wanting to leave. Even the cannibals had a guild here, for the Gods sake.

Marv wasn't religious, but if ever he felt the need to worship or curse a god, he collectively did it to all of them. Surely, his thoughts were, one or two of them might listen.

The barn looked in a bad way. It was on fire, and one wall was smashed away completely. Marv got one quick glimpse of a huge, horned beast in the smoke, before his cowardly instincts took over and he turned and ran. Straight into a Lizardman.
"Aaauuugghh!"
He leaped backwards, stammering apologies and holding his hands above his head so that it wouldn't attack. It wasn't a Saurus, so panic slowly died away. It was a skink, with twin tails and a strange metal helmet on. It waved a divining rod in front of his face, and he took a step back. It took a step forward, and drew a little metal cube out of a pouch on its hip. It tapped a sigil, and it glowed and a voice spoke out of the cube.
"In five days and 3 hours, you will throw a brick through the window of Fadlans Fabulous Falafels. You will run down the road to the Headless Snake - the pub - and offer 20ur to anyone who can beat up the police following you. A huge, brown-haired human will take it. Join his group. Or you will be sacrificed."
"O-ok"
The skink strutted past him into the smoke, and with a bellow the huge horned thing began to waddle away.

Well, Marv was still alive. And he would do what the skink had said - they'd known where he was sleeping. They'd known where one man was out of 60 million. If they had known where he was now, or at least where he would be, then they could find him again and make him hurt.

He nearly started crying when he realised all his savings and property were in the barn, in a chest near his mattress, but sheer frustration turned it into anger. He kicked one of his ragged shoes into a stone, which spiralled into the burning ruins. All he had left was his battered magicians outfit, and the 20ur note he had stolen earlier.

He slumped, falling deep into a black hole of self-pity. As he trudged back down the country road he had walked up, a freak breeze blew a black shape along the path towards him.
Through luck, the black top hat whisked into his hand, and he put it on. He suddenly felt like everything had happened so far was for a reason. He felt his cowardice slink into a dark corner of his mind, and his walk down the road had a sudden spring in his step. He was going to mug a couple of people, steal some money off some unsuspecting tourists, and get himself a room in some classy pub.

After all, weren't the greatest heroes forged after they lost it all?
 
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