Contest April-May 2016 Short Story Contest Voting Thread

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I didn't get one of your votes, but I'll treasure the criticism to mine.
It will be fun to debate our stories when it will be finished and authors will reveal what pieces wrote.

(Well, we already have voted, so we could do in PM... )

 

I would say that there' s no much room for possible misunderstandings...


Ok, it won't be done, i can wait

 

I like crisps.

 

Scalenex is working on it, but don’t expect Scalenex to write fast. Scalenex don’t write that way!

Scalenex Imparts his Heavy Handed Opinions Unimpeachable Wisdom

Usual disclaimer: in most cases my critique negative paragraph is bigger than my positive paragraph. I liked each and every piece. I know we say this so often the statement risks losing its meaning but I think the overall quality of the stories is improving every single time. I am intending to provide constructive criticism.

I don’t care about theme a whole lot. If a piece plays fast and loose with the contest theme, I don’t let it stop me from enjoying good writing. Amazingly enough, this time around all fifteen pieces relied on the theme strongly. Nobody phoned it in. I give credit to the skillful writers, but props must be given to wise and mighty @Slanputin for picking such an excellent theme.

Thunderous applause.

And give credit to wise and handsome Scalenex for courageously passing the responsibility of theme naming to someone else!

Crickets chirping.

Moving on….

Two things came up a lot. I’m pretty Elves are at least tied with Skaven in the number of times they were used as a major source of antagonists. It’s interesting that about a third of the writers went this direction independently.

The second thing that came up a lot is pieces pushing the envelope, slightly under or slightly over the word limit. Maybe I’m biased because I had to compile everything but I think the majority of the pieces here would have been better if they were slightly shorter. I don’t think it’s just me. Many of the guest commentators @thedarkfourth invited in pointed out things that could be cut out. I’m not revealing my votes, but when I look at my favorite pieces, they tend to be the shorter ones. Perhaps story/chapter length would be a worthy topic for @spawning of Bob ’s Writer’s Wretreat.


Watching Things Burn: This piece utilized the theme of Anti-heroes very well. The protagonist does awful things in the name of his limited understanding of the greater good. Betrayal and loyalty. Action versus inaction. Nation versus family. Tradition versus change. There is a lot of inner conflict here. The author builds up a sweet surrogate father-son relationship and then crushes it before our eyes. Well done for making sad…jerk.

Everything in a short story should either advance the plot or build character. There is a lot of plot tension and character development but there is a lot of dry exposition. The author didn’t need to describe the crowd in such detail for the opening ritual. It’s mainly about the two Skinks. The author should have shortened the discussion of Slann politics too.


The King of Lustria: The piece was short yet it managed to convey an exciting battle and develop the protagonist’s character. It invoked the alien savagery of combatants by keeping them relatable. I would compare it favorably to Jack London describing Buck and Spitz fighting. The ending drove home the character. This story was elegant in its simplicity.

The link between this story and the theme of Anti-Heroes. A predator is not good or evil, it simply is. And the antagonist was a Daemon, there is no moral greyness in this story. The character was a hero; I can’t find any anti. Also the scale of the story was a bit risky. A Dread Saurian against a Bloodthirster is kind of Superman versus Goku. I’d like to see this author’s stylistic savagery applied to more down to earth combatants. That’d be more relatable. All things being equal a Dread Saurian should beat a Bloodthirster. Also the Dread Saurian had a name and the Bloodthirster did not. I never had any worry that the lizards would lose them one. I think the simply addition of naming the villain would have helped a lot, just make sure the name is imposing and blasphemous.


Eyes on the Sun: This author really had me rooting for the ambassador and the scene building was excellent. Just when I was asking “where is my anti-hero?” the protagonist did some sneaky spying then got sacrilegiously mutilated for it by xenophobic would-be allies. Well done for making me sad…jerk.

This piece was 2604 words, 104 words over the suggested max. I believe it was about 500 words longer than it needed to be. When Bob and I critique each other’s pieces we call that “a haircut.” The desert was described slightly longer than it needed to be. The orneriness of the Elves was described slightly longer than it needed to be. The ambassador’s uncertainty was described slightly longer than it needed to be. The discussion was slightly longer than it needed to be. All those “slightly”s add up and slow down the pacing.


Pirates of the Dragon Isles: Real world pirates were/are awful people. In literature pirates are romanticized anti-heroes. I view anti-hero pirates as being classic anti-hero not clichéd anti-hero, so well done. I also like that you surprise everyone but turning the tables. Hah! The Lizardmen are the pirates. The author told an exciting interesting piece and did it in barely over 1700 words, so a good economy of words The callousness of the Lizardmen pirates was a good subversion on the romanticized pirate trope.

The piece could use some more narrative structure. A short story needs a relatively even balance between introduction/conflict/resolution. It started as a story of conflict, will the humans survive or not? Then the humans are defeated really early. They didn’t even really fight back. I would have liked more fighting (or at least a good chase scene). The bulk of the story length went towards describing the Lizardmen’s ascetic variations on classic pirate gear combined with their villainous victory gloating rather than focusing on what the characters did.


Snow Saga: This piece told a lot of story using a small amount of words. The story did a good job covering the protagonist’s inner turmoil. His guilt, regret, pain and fear. The author didn’t waste time to describing the protagonist’s powers in wordy detail. We know what a werewolf is, and the battle with the looters was a great example of “show don’t tell”. I liked the artful portrayal of the ruins. Not just the death, but the lowly status of the survivors. Desperate amoral scavengers. I really like this line
“The star lizards never came….” You can tell that she never expected the Seraphon to save her but she had no better options. It was a gamble on the author’s part for including Seraphon by making them conspicuously absent, but the gamble paid off.

Out of fifteen reviews, I’m only going to say this once (EDIT: okay twice, see “Paranoia). I wish this piece was little bit longer. I get that he’s an outcast because he’s a werewolf. But I want to know what aspect of his condition he loathes most. Does he hate the way other people react (play up his expectations with the old woman). “Why aren’t you scared of me.” “I’m already dying you idiot!” Does he fear his loss of control? Play up a disconnect with his actions when he fights the looters or have him resist frenzying at the smell of blood. Does he hate that he is a killer? Run a Bruce Banner dialog and have him try and fail to talk the bandits out of messing with him “You wouldn’t like me when I’m furry angry.” Is the transformation painful? Play up the body horror as his muscles stretch and burst out his human skin. His fangs can grow through his gums causing them to bleed only to heal almost instantly (to allow more pain later).


The Fireblade’s Challenge: This piece was perfect in word length. No word was wasted. A tiny voice in the back of my head focused on the fact that Thanquol gave his name. I wanted to know if that really was Thanquol or if it was one of Thaquol’s rivals trying to goad the Lizardmen to killing the real Thanquol. That’s not important. What important is that Thanquol’s name established two things succinctly: 1) The End Times are near so the scale is epic. 2) This is a major Faustian Pact. Explaining more would be a waste of words. I wanted to know what price Ankhachic’qo would pay for his actions but I quickly realized learning those details would have weakened the story. We already know it’s an epic Faustian Pact. Better to let Ankhachic’qo’s fate grow in our imagination.

So the author told an excellent storing using an economy of words, but I have more praise to heap on this story for the dialog. The author managed to capture the primitive savage character of the Saurus characters dialog without making their simplified speech too hard to read or too campy. Similar excellent use of the Skaven-speak. Every syllable of Thanquol made you know he was a slime ball even if you had no background in Skaven fluff. Back to the Saurus savagery, it wasn’t just the dialog, the challenge was well-told and the savage honor was shown without taking many words. Eye violence always hits me in the gut. I was cheering for Quetzan-Ti’s death and you provided it for me. Even though I knew Ankhachic’qo was doomed for his decisions, I sympathized with his decisions. I probably would have done the same thing. You eat my eyeball and all bets are off. Every author in this contest used the contest theme well but I give this one an “A+” in that category.

My biggest grouse with this piece is it’s really hard to criticize! Okay, usually I play it coy with my votes, but I can’t NOT give this one of my five votes and still sleep at night. I do have one piece of substantive criticism. I did not care for the names Quetzan-Ti and Ankhachic’qo. I can clearly see the author perused the Saurian dictionary for name inspiration which is great, but too clunky. Apostrophe jokes not withstanding, I believe even non-human names should be easy to figure out a pronunciation and easy to remember. My mind’s voice just said “Ank plus apostrophe.”


The Coward: I can’t be coy again, this has another one of my votes. Few pieces utilized the theme of Anti-heroes better. The protagonist violates the major values and norms of his society in spite of the scorn he receives, all he because he believes sincerely in his goals. By human standards, the protagonist would be a hero, not an anti-hero. Being willing to accept scorn of your peers for the greater good is heroic by our standards. But this writer captured the Dwarf mindset and made it relatable to us human viewers.

Wait, I’m done heaping praise on this piece either! I liked the organic transitions from the Dwarf present and the Dwarf past. Both with Dwarfs talking about their traditions and narrating the treasure pile. I also liked Skaven assassination. One, the fact that the protagonist fought back courageously and well showed us he’s not a true coward in all aspects of his life. Two, it set up a brilliant Butterfly Effect. If the Lizardmen (Seraphon? Not sure in this piece, didn’t really matter). If the protagonist was not carrying the severed head of a Skaven when the Lizardmen found him with their sacred treasure, the lizards would have gutted him like a fish and bowl over any other Dwarfs they find.

What could make this piece better? Not much this piece was excellent (I also got a chance to fine tune this with the author a lot before the final submission). A haircut could have made this piece slightly better. A small haircut. Given the title of the piece, the character’s inner monologue and all the dialogue with other Dwarfs he was called a coward in about 10 or 11 different ways. I would have gone with 7 or 8 accusations of cowardice to speed up the narrative or use the words saved from accusations of cowardice to expand the section covering the Skaven fight or the Lizardmen arrival.


Harvest: The author created an annoying punk kid, a classic anti-hero trope. It looked like he was going to save his village despite himself. Then it leads to a dramatic twist ending. The ending was foreshadowed heavily. The main character’s name was Ash. The wording from the Seraphon for preventing the Daemons from killing the villagers was very specific. The foreshadowing was done well. It didn’t spoil the ending, it built up anticipation for it.

This piece ran long and needed a fairly hefty haircut. The author established the kid as a smartass punk with his own first person narrative, again and again. His fellow villagers showed that they treated him like a smartass punk kid again and again. At a certain point repetition becomes unnecessary. That was compounded by the fact that the character was made to be annoying by design. A moderate amount of smart assery on the part of a teenaged anti-hero is endearing but once you cross the point of overdoing it, you can’t walk it back. When the end came I was happy the Seraphon where going to shut him up. This is the only piece where I was rooting against the protagonist and I was even rooting for the Skaven in “Paranoia.”


A Memory?: In a contest where the majority of the pieces ran a bit too long for their needs, I give this one props for an economy of words. I wouldn’t make this one shorter or longer (though I would have redirected some words). I like that it captured the essence of a Saurus being single-mindedly focused on his duty, but it did not make him stupid. On the contrary he was intelligent and clever. I like the doubt he had from being a reconstructed memory and the uncertainty he had with his final decision.

The character was well developed for all the reasons I sited above. It might have been a little too action focused. I would have liked to swap one or two of the combat paragraphs for one or two paragraphs of non-violent interaction with the protagonists spawning brothers or Skink allies. Action action “we are the darkened scale” action action “we are the darkened scale.” Rinse and repeat. The author balanced the relatable and alien with the Saurus protagonist well. I would have liked to see one situation where the protagonist’s mission-centric view point is applied to a non-violent situation. That could have added a bit of extra depth (because I want to know how the darkened scale deals with peace).


The Forgotten Slann: I like the way the author covered a Slann from spawning to the present with an economy of words. I like the daring story arc of a Slann going mad with power and ambition. I like the Slann-on-Slann conflict. I like the epic scale.

While we have a good general sense of the Slann’s slipping into madness (or at least solitude) as his/its ambitions pull him/it away from the others. I would have liked to get inside Lord Luluni’s head some more. The whole story has a feel of being externally narrated. I know Slann are alien and remote but I’d hope to touch base with Luluni’s thoughts and feelings a least a little.


The Bounty: Usually around a quarter of our contests’ pieces that go with a light hearted feel. Despites a record number of overall entries, we’ve never had fewer “light” entries. Probably the theme of anti-heroes makes lighter stories more difficult, but I will point out that Deadpool is pretty light-hearted even when it’s horrifically violent. Yay gallows humor. The author balanced the humor of the strange alliance, gun toting Skinks, cynical Slann and jovial Daemons with just the right amount of action.

This piece could have used a haircut. Not a huge haircut, but a little one. I thought the dialogs ran a bit long. They could have been shorter. Another option would be to turn some of the dialog into narrative action scenes rather than simply have characters talking about doing stuff.


Trinity: This story uses a common anti-hero trope. A bearer a cursed item. In this case a Slaanesh item. The imagery is evocative, the character is alien but relatable. The conflict is clearly portrayed in great depth with an economy of words. The sensual overtones were a bold choice.

My problem is this was too good. This piece involves corruption and obsession fueled by the dark god Slaanesh. And it’s really believable. I believe the erotic overtones were done in a mature and appropriate manner, but it’s not my cup of tea. I appreciate the skilled writing, but this is not a type of story I am particularly fond of. I don’t like Country music, but I can still appreciate the skill of the best Country music singer.


Serpent’s Brew: Infanticide wow! I swear I randomized the order I presented the pieces in I didn’t mean for the two pieces with the most mature subject matter pieces to be adjacent. The infanticide was set up with just the right combination of foreshadowing and surprise for maximum impact. I also like the chilling framing device of “thuk thuk thuk thuk.” I do not know if this is deliberate, but this is the best chosen title. Infanticide is a horrible crime for humans, it is probably not a major consideration for Lizardmen given that they barely understand the concept of infant, adorable huagerdon puppies notwithstanding. This ties well with the title. “Serpent’s Brew” sounds awfully menacing to human readers familiar with western literary tropes but a “Serpent’s Brew” would have positive connotations for Lizardmen. In Lizardmen terms, the protagonist’s crime is not the brew or the murder or even the betrayal of trust, but disobeying the Slann.

This is a strong piece and I can’t think of anything major I would change, but I think this piece could use a mild haircut. I wouldn’t take any hairs off of the fight scene, if anything I’d tried to add a parent’s desperation into the Elf’s defense. The setting exposition could have been trimmed a little. The inter-Skink dialog was definitely a smidgeon long for my taste.


Chosen: I like this piece’s clever take on the Anti-hero theme: Mazdamundi! The writer basically took the Lizardmen’s main god king and bestowed him with doubts and insecurities just like everyone else. I liked that the story was told in time jumps. That illustrates the Slann’s viewpoint and each event, though centuries apart, built on each other, advanced the plot and established character. Magnificent.

Like so many other excellent pieces in this contest, this piece could have been slightly more excellent with a haircut. I’m used to Slann and their attendants being pretty terse in their speech and this piece had a lot of dialog. That’s a personal preference so I can’t hold it against the author for having a different interpretation of Slann then me, but I do think the dialog cluttered the narrative. It should have been shorter because of it bogged down the main story. Also, I do not believe Tiq’tak’to and Kroqgar should have been included. I really loathe the name “Tiq’tak’to” for combining unnecessary apostrophes with a cheap pun that has no relation to the character, but that’s not the writer’s idea. The real reason I think they could have been omitted is that that this is a story about Mazdamundi and Zlaaq. Adding additional; celebrity cameos from the army book’s special character list is just a distraction.


Paranoia: I humbly suggest that the writer of this story open up an account on U-E and post this piece. This piece could probably have won most Under-Empire short story contests. It’s got everything Skaven fluff audiences love: betrayal, comedy, and more betrayal. I’m a zombie Skink, not a Skaven but I still like this. This and “The Bounty” are the only two pieces that make a major attempt at invoking humor. I like the crude drawing a lot. I like the skillful use of Skaven double-speak, neither overdone or underdone. I like that the author told a complete story with an economy of words.

This piece is hard for me to find fault with. Maybe it could have used more words. At the very end when every careful scheme of the protagonist unraveled and he got attacked by both Eshin assassins and the Salamanders it was hard to tell who was doing what to whom.[/S]