Contest April-May 2016 Short Story Contest Voting Thread

This is on topic. It's a collaborative anti hero story. Starring the original anti hero, a cheeky gingerbread cookie who you always root for, no matter how jerky he is. With a lovable anti villain.

 

No gum drop buttons were harmed in the making of this anti hero colab

edit: genuinely will commit to doing this with someone if they're interested - depends on the next comps theme

 

A break from the critiquing has led me to reflect and discover that I have become what I despise - a nebulous construct of scale and bone with starlight for blood stardust for brains – a metacriticosaurus.

After reading the stories and the other critiques I decided that I wasn’t going to blab on so much about writing techniques, and certainly wasn’t going to post a lot of theories on the deeper meaning behind what some poor guy probably just wrote because he wanted a dinosaur to eat a daemon. I decided this because other critiqs theories were different to mine and therefore somebody was going to be wrong. And I wasn’t going to have it be me.

And THAT was the reason I was reluctant to write my critiques for so long – because that didn’t leave me any material to work with except for puns and large sections of strikethrough text.

Having accidently written down 2000 words of my own wild theories, I can confirm that, indeed, everyone else is wrong, other than those that agree with me of course. Rather than allow my arrogance grow to even more godlike proportions, I would like to encourage a phase 3 to the write-and-collect critiques process.

Phase 3 would be the author explaining what they were REALLY meaning to portray, which doesn’t quite happen due to the anonymous comp rules. After voting, the comp winners typically say a few humble words and give a few hints, and some others who feel lower in the vote order mumble some apologies and then send me or Scalenex a PM and ask for some more detailed feedback.

Phase 3 type author thoughts are already starting to happen in other places, and I think Bowser’s spoiler-commentary method in The Extermination may become the gold standard. I’ve tried something similar but with longer “making of” documentaries, and Scalenex is coming online with his story comp collection and commentary.

I just think it would be cool if we got some Phase 3 discussion on this thread after the votes are in. If, like me, you are just itching to write “Scalenex you were wrong about my story” then I look forward reading about it here in about 2 weeks.


Back to the comp entries.


A Memory? There are some interesting perspectives on the Seraphon problem hidden in this exciting and well paced story. The detailed hunt through the camp and the graphic duel make the action easy to visualise. It brings to mind the assassination attempt in The Scorpion King, except with less camels. This one deserves graphic novel treatment along with Pirates.

The different angles on the Seraphon problem are: twinkly starlight life is cheap, but failure of mission has great cost (in my view the story would be dead without the risk of the boss escaping to give it urgency). The saurus knows he is a faulty memory, but his pride in who he once was and his focus on his task keeps him from losing himself. Then when the unthinkable happens and the plan fails, this poorly programmed star robot uses his imagination and flexes his free will.

The one sided communication with the inquisirat works well because... The rat can trust the lizard’s motivations even without assurances. This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship that also deserves a chapter 2.


The Forgotten Slann. This has a glorious, slow build which ends up being let down by the word cap. The Great Disagreement with Mazdamundi (hate that guy) was just one paragraph and it unbalanced the story by it’s brevity. Even so, the world that was built and the establishing of the Slann's vast power were well delivered, bar some minor word omissions and spellchekka errors.

Two things I found intriguing. First, the Slann is connected to many possible realities - I would like to know if AoS and 40K are among them, and if they could have possibly been prevented by his intervention. Secondly, he is little less than a god, with the ability to make trees bow down by the application of his will. He can compel lizards and elves alike to do whatever he wants. He is vastly more powerful than Mazdamundi himself, and yet instead of just giving a command, he attempts to sway Mazda with an appeal to reason. Then he respects Mazda's wrong point of view and withdraws, which leaves the future open to utter destruction and space marines of both kinds. I am interested that he would show such respect to Mazdamundi. There is some serious etiquette going on between the Old One's first children.


The Bounty Right from the get go, with the contrast between a war herd and an unruly party, it was clear that this setting was the product of a fevered mind. Despite the setting advertising itself as a farce, the author created a plausible conflict, effective dialogue and a detailed and engaging back story for the bounty hunter.

Yes, it was full of lamb jokes but the twisted pathway was worth following. The payoff seems almost familiar - but what might have been meant to have been another groan worthy payoff puts the spotlight back on the Slann memory mechanic their REAL motivations as they interfere in the mortal realms.



Trinity After Scalenex gave his warning, I immediately re-read this story looking for the promised salacious bits. I had to squint to find them, but I get what Scalenex was saying. My own interpretation of the story is very different. I see it as a frightening exploration of just how reasonable madness is. That this descent into obsession was played out by a creature who most would regard as essentially emotionless and incorruptible makes it compelling. And who among us weren’t blindsided by the aversion of the obvious (and weak) ending and its substitution with the shocking finale. I read that paragraph over and over to understand the logic of the protag's final act, and just needed to conclude that he had lost all grip with reality - in an entirely logical way.

This story ends with a question "will Chosi Pick up the sword?" This is the appropriate ending - there is nothing to gain from a chapter two. And as I went back to find Chosi’s name, I realised for the first time that the main character was never named – a bold and effective move – it kept us completely inside his head.


Serpent's Brew Everyone else’s theories have taken flight with this one, too. I should have just been an enjoying a disturbing story of sick violence, but everyone else wants to make it deeper. If I was going to join in I would say that yes, the priest is a heretic who is taking the Great Plan into his own claws, much as Sotek’s finest from Watching Things Burn did.

Once again, we have an author who wrote precisely what he meant to with very little by way of error. As for the conversation on the stairs, I think it was vital to establish the refugees, the furtive nature of the missions and to establish that there had been a rash of “skaven” kidnappings (although why anyone would want to acquire a smelly rat, I don’t know.) And the entire second half of the conversation was unnecessary to the story, but contained ideas the author wanted to explore.


Chosen Mandatory vote for this one, with the bold backward story telling device – another author in complete control of a complicated technique. It was terrific. My only niggles were a couple of lines which I wouldn’t normally associate with slann – racing and bursting through the trees, a newly spawned giant magic frog saying “oh, what an impossible world” – my brain assumed the undescribed protagonist was something else, and I had to recalibrate my brain to associate the first section with Mazda. (hate that guy) and I couldn’t be sure it was him until the section 1.


Paranoia The perfect skaven story. A crazy, high stakes plan aimed at personal aggrandisment for the surviving heros. Double betrayal and everyone loses. It all felt right and sounded right, and for the only time in the comp I am going to give some plotting advice – I can’t tell how Lyrok got ahead to draw the warning. The tunnel was incomplete and needed more digging.

I would have followed the story to the “obstruction” and downing tools, by saying the drill broke through into air, but Lyrok pulled it back quickly. He could break through immediately but needed time to think. Then he aks back and decides on the need for the double cross, and has an opportunity to go back, draw the warning, close the hole again. Next day he puts Brikkit in front, knowing it will doom him as the tunnel unexpectedly breaks through. 80% of that would be implied, but it just needs a few more data points to make it possible.

 

I have now read your review @spawning of Bob and thank you for your critique and take a lot on board and I agree with the 3rd phase and would be glad to talk more about my story at journeys end ...I mean when the competition ends

Edit: In fact I think I'll do a write up in preparation so I can give a general analysis of my story from my point of view and the open it up to some QnA.

 

I also hate Mazdamundi.

 

even the Ghost Writer hates Mazdamundi

 

Great critique there Bob but no more cryptic guesses?

Yes I am gagging for phase three. It is weird not being able to discuss the critique given the anonymous rules. But definitely worthwhile. We have two stories on 8 votes and three on 7. Just like last time, we will get a tie breaking vote with a few days to go??

 

@spawning of Bob , I would disagree slightly with your evaluation of mine, but the rest seem to all be on point.

 

Look, this campaign — as I think all of you know, this campaign is not just about electing the Mage Priest. It is about transforming Lustria. It is about making our great continent the jungle that we know it has the potential to be. It is about dealing with some unpleasant truths that exist in Lustria today and having the guts to confront those truths. It is about recognising that in our temple city, we have town meetings and people come out, they argue about the Great Plan, and then they vote. One slann, one vote. In Itza, billionaires do not buy temple meetings, and in Lustria, we are going to end a corrupt cookie finance system. We can disagree in a democracy, and that’s what a democracy is about, but I hope all of us agree that we’re going to not allow cookie billionaires and their superPACs to destroy Lustrian democracy.

 

*Emerges in a puff of pestilental smoke*

Here be the first five of my review-things written in a disease fueled haze (so forgive me for any mistake-things.) These competition entries continue to be fantastic and it is extremely hard to pick out much constructive criticism. So, thirteen hundred thanks to the fluff team and the authors for providing this most divine of bounties. Anywho...


Story One: Oh my. Props to Scalenex for starting (or was it randomizing?) the entry list with a bang. This entry has a lot going for it that I need to pause to decide where the Hellpit I begin...

Oak-hay. I usually start with pacing, let’s do that. The pacing for the first half felt sublime, the author lingered so artfully on the details of the burning idol and setting the stage for the two main characters. As for more the second half, I’ll talk about that in a mo.

The two main characters were well crafted and I particularly enjoyed the old priest’s philosophical views contrasted with the more action driven younger skink. Whilst they were in a respect chalk and cheese, they worked excellently together and more than once made me smile.

The ending itself was heartbreakingly tragic (in fact I paused as I started the last section of the story and read back the previous paragraphs. Let’s just say I quickly went: D: and went “oh gog...you git.”) The sad thing is that it was a most necessary evil to inflict for the more action skink to succeed. I as a reader do not like it ending that way (despite being a filthy ratman totally innocent lizard-thing, I rarely kill off my own characters...unless death is the best thing they’ve got left...) however, it is quite expertly executed and the author has handled that ending with enough subtlety to more than make up for it being a sad(ish) ending (you jerk, you! )

So, back to pacing. After the ceremony, the pacing felt like it slowed down with the discussion between the two skinks. Oh aye, the discussion itself and their characters still made it interesting, but I began to feel more and more bogged down when they moved onto the Slann politics (which whilst important for the ending, perhaps could have been subtly streamlined a little bit.) I will confess that by the final walk back to the temple, my concentration was starting to falter, mayhaps one of the factors that caused me to have to re-read the pillow line.

Additionally, and this is in my nitpicking area, some objects in the story just felt out of place for me. Examples are the megaphone and the infamous pillow itself, which just felt not quite right for the setting (even if the pillow was important.)

But in any case this was a breath taking piece of work to be sure. Very nicely done!

Story Two: I expected an Elvis impersonator lizzie trying to clear his name in a low down and noir Lustrian temple city. Maybe with some mobster Skaven around for some reason. Alas, this was not the case but was a well written epic that needed some Slann to announce “let them fight!” rather than blowing up the Bloodthirster with lots of magiks and that.

Pacing! There be little to complain about the author’s pacing at all here. The dream sequence runs on well enough, the lead up to the battle builds up the tension nicely, and the combat to my mind remained fresh and visceral without dragging out too much.

The author made a very different choice for the protagonist, and yet pulls it off quite admirably. Sure, it’s not a “anti-hero” per se, but I can happily forgive that as the author really brought this large beastie to life and made it very likable (of course the anti-hero could have been the Bloodthirster all along and the baddies were the lizzies all along...Probably not though.)

I suppose if there was something to complain about, it was that the fight itself just didn’t feel like it matched the build up to it. Maybe I’d have stretched out the final parts of the fight with the Bloodthirster actually making a comeback (maybe re-growing its arm, vomiting a stream of blackish blood to blind Teo, or getting in a hit and knocking the dread saurian down to the ground) before Teo gets back up and finishes it off. That element of uncertainty I feel would have made this piece even better.

Really great work!

Story Three: Wow, this is a long one. Yet, it was a thoroughly good read.

Pacing was a bit on the slow side and yet I felt that it fitted the plot and mood of this piece. When I imagine a character lost in a vast desert, time invariably seems to drag onwards and onwards as the great sun overhead beats down. Eventually your mind starts playing tricks on you or maybe the desert truly is a living monster, ever watching. In fact, I couldn’t help but go through some of my old Animosity fluff and compare/contrast my (albeit brief) overview of the desert’s effect upon an army of Skaven and the dying Green Seer Zrkktz.

Spoiler

By day he was afflicted by strange visions in the desert of memories or voices from the past. By night he felt the cold bony claws of the Grim Squeaker pulling at his spirit and trying to drag him away from the world of the living. In all the Seer had decided that it was the heat playing tricks on his mind, or a subtle plot by the Seerlord to drive him insane. Some of the rats lost in the earlier aborted attacks had been discovered alive but driven insane by the heat and constant clear skies. One such rat, Skrittit, who had been nought but skin and bones had raved about the desert being alive, how it watched them all, judged them.

I enjoyed the character of Jao. He was utterly loyal to his cause, even going to less than honourable means to do so. Although, I feel his fate was deserved. One shouldn’t bring spies to ambassadorial meetings (or at least be caught, silly lizard-things.)

I suppose something that threw me was the shift of tenses at the start. I guess it works as say an announcer’s voice talking in the present tense about what is about to unfold. In this piece, maybe it would have been better clarifying this a bit more by putting those first two paragraphs in italics?

Nonetheless, a satisfying tale of a Skink getting what he deserved!

Story Four: Pirates. Welp, guess all my five votes are going to this piece...

*A skink attendant scurries up and begins whispering in Y’ttar’s ear*

What do you mean ‘the voting doesn’t work like that?’

*The skink continues to whisper*

What do you mean ‘you have to actually read it?’

*The skink whispers again*

What do you mean ‘if you don’t, i’ll tell them you’re a Skaven in dis...’ Errr...you make a valid point, brave attendant...would you like a holiday and a dozen Warptok...er... plaques?

Alrighty then. The pacing at the start may be a bit sluggish given how they are being chased, yet I think it works well in building up a sense of tension as the giant sea serpent gets closer and closer. The fight itself however was over in moments. Maybe the author could have stretched the combat out a little bit, though I don’t think it was that important.

I think my favourite part though was how the author piratified the lizzies and yet made it very realistic sounding and had such a lovely amount of detail. The descriptions in this piece are the author’s strong point, and it was a joy to imagine Goldbeard or whatever the Saurus captain was called.

These are some characters (well, not the man-things as they’ll be kinda eaten and that) I’d like to see more of!

Story Five: This was an entry that has a lot of potential if the author devoted themselves into turning it into a series. On its own, it was a marvellous introduction to a character and his mission; however it left me feeling a bit unfulfilled.

Pacing was decent enough for the length of the piece, it kept me engaged throughout and I only had to pause near the end to realise the true nature of the protagonist. So yes, nothing really to complain about there. Good job.

I really liked how the protagonist did not have a name and that his past and who he is was only given in small tempting drips and drops. His reveal at the end was very satisfying as well. Put me in mind of the Mordheim Cursed Hillman hired sword who had a similar bit of intro fluff for the character. Again, this is another character I’d love to see more of!

The big let-down for this story (other than being too short) was that it really needed a good proofreading and polishing. Which is a shame as there is a lot of potential for this piece.

Nonetheless, an enjoyable read.

 

Tainted spawning pool again?

 

Aye, for some reason I keep falling into some malaise just as i'm writing reviews. Something probably wants me dead, likely Pestilens. *Shakes claw*

 

Thank you to all reviewers and voters on these stories they are all fantastic

 

Ditto, well done guys. They're actually quite amusing and informative to read. There are several small details about my story that I would change if I could still do it.

 

Feel free to post a revised version on the forum once the contest is over

 

Ooh, I think I might..

 

I'm going to be posting mine with author comments so reviewers can see and get the inside story on the story