Contest July-August 2018 Short Story Contest Voting Thread

Taps foot impatiently.

I'm waiting.

 

I’m afraid I’ve dropped far enough into paranoia that I’ve developed my own code... but hey! It looks cool!
The direct translation for what is on the stone would be “Pity the small mammal, friends,”

I’m afraid I might be out competed by meme restaurants... (I’m also concerned there is a larger quantity of stock bamboo pictures on the Internet...)

 

Big Eaters Little Eaters; the aftermath...

 

Bonjour, le Scaletail est en Normandie, France. Un moment s'il vous plaît pour les avis. Merci.

 

Rather than bubble wrapping everything, I’m beginning to learn that cutifying things makes everything’s a lot safer...


Essence of Lustria - Giant Lustria Dart Frogs

 

Seer Sneer: I, the mighty-great Grey Seer Sneer have been asked by Lord Gnawt...I scent-mean this powerful-strong scale-thing who captured me and in exchange for my humble life-thing I am to analyse some dish-things. If you scent-ask me they look like word-things but I, the great Seer Sneer have nev-never backed down. Bring on the first course!


Story One: Halflings are gits. Greedy potbellied thieves whose only saving grace is that they make a mean hot pot and aren’t bad with a bow. Anyway, any alliance with multiple good/neutral aligned factions will still normally falter as friction through their differences undermines them. Ironically at least three of the factions are children of the Old Ones, so the author did well in showing just how different they all are. The dialogue was funny and the twist did make me smile. I will say that perhaps the ending felt a bit rushed on the back of what was otherwise a fairly substantial piece. Nonetheless a fun analysis and great read.


Seer Sneer: Ogre-things and beardless dwarf-things eh? Both eat-consume more than even a Skaven! Ogre-thing meat is very fatty with a slight smoky flavour, inner meat that is well-well worked scent-needs longer and slower cooking. Beardless dwarf-things scent-remind I, the great Seer Sneer of those furry long eared rat-things...how do you man-things say-squeak it? Robbits? But yes-yes remove all hair-fur first. Meat is fairly tough but good for pies and roasting. Throw away foot-meat though, no cooking will ever make-make it tender!


Story Two: When I chose this theme I knew there’d be cannibalism in at least one piece. This reader clearly enjoys Lovecraft or something of that sort. It was certainly an interesting take having it told by a nameless narrator partly through the eyes of our hero...who might have done something in the end? Gah! I know the whole mystery element works and that but c’mon, you could have let that Skink have one line of dialogue. Nonetheless, dark and gory, nice stuff!


Seer Sneer: I have nev-never understood why most of the lesser-weak races hate-hate the idea of eating each other. Personally Skaven meat despite us being the superior race...is less-less than ideal for one of my dishes. A little too lean and stringy unless specially fattened up or farmed. Whelp-flesh is tasty enough and the skin can be made into fine robes and gloves. Older Skaven meat is not worth time, just stick-stick to softer parts like eyes, brains, inner organs, and tongue.


Story Three: Well then. That was darker than that tunnel-pit I threw those slave-things that wouldn’t work-work hard en...I mean...is much-much dark. I like how it was written in first person, a style I find is quite a challenge in itself. At times there are certain words that could have been phrased better, but this is of little concern to the overall feeling this piece oozes. It is so deliciously dark and sublime, truly worthy of its title of the heart of darkness.


Seer Sneer: There is a ritual in the con-consumption of food, yes-yes. In my way I scent-see it as a prayer to the Horned One. I take the body-flesh of specially selected vanquished foe-meat and turn it into a form of art, tastes and textures to delight even the most-most discerning of palates with the finest knight-thing or Tilean or Estalian wines. It is an offering not-not just to those who are willing to pay for my expertise but an offering to the Horned Rat. For what are the lesser creatures of the world but food for the ones who shall inherit?


Story Four: Baruk Khazâd!...I scent-mean...hisss hiss Old Ones hiss growl Plans.

This piece really went full throttle with the references, which whilst in some places felt a little forced was still fun to read after the last two dark entries. I also enjoyed the drawn out pace of this piece that didn’t give way to bouts of action until the very end. I also was happy to see a Dwarf Ironclad again. Nice stuff.


See Sneer: NURGLE?! NO-NO NO SPOIL SEER SNEER’S FOOD! IS SEER SNEER’S FOOD! *High pitched squeaking of alarm before Y’ttar bends in and whispers* WHAT-WHAT?! THAT WAS SOUND NOISE OF STOMACH RUMBLE?! Oh...nev-never mind then. Ahem. Dwarf-things. I have found-found them very similar to the squealing pink-things man-things like eating. I, the Great Seer Sneer would recommend turning Dwarf-thing flesh into sausages or thinly sliced and fried. Cooked with Dwarf-thing brew works wonder too.


Story Five: Loved it. What? You wanted more?...

The author does a wonderful job of balancing comedy with tragedy. That a Slann would lose himself in addiction whilst perhaps not truly lore-accurate (I scent-mean Skaven lose themselves too easily, I’d think lizzies would take a lot more) is not only a gripping concept but even more of a build up due to his duty. You really feel for him as he tries, he really tries. And yet to me that ending was heartrending even with the slight comedic twinge on the last line. Superb!

Seer Sneer: Grub-things? I have hear-heard rumour of such bugs give-granting power but how-how would a grub-thing contain such power? Obviously not Warpstone. Fortunately Skaven being such a superior race don’t suffer-mutate as easily from Warpstone so it can be an active ingredient for several dishes. A small sprinkle of Warpstone dust can give a pleasant tingle to one’s throat-meat and your eye-meat will glow for hours! I particularly enjoy using Warpstone to help make up my stocks and gravies. But be careful that the Warpstone isn’t too unrefined or else your food might try and eat you!


Story Six: By Grungni! How did Bael get a drop of the XXXXXX?! That stuff is more precious than...errrr...hiss hiss growl...Plaque hiss...roar hiss...stars...

Ahem. The story rambles a bit but that is kinda the point, Longbeard-things ramble a lot. Even so it is an enjoyable little episode with some humorous moments and really immersed you within the vision of listening to this old git-thing tell his tale. The Gotrek and Felix jokes might have been a bit much, but appreciated none the less. Well done Dwarf-thing that’s totally not disguised as a lizard-thing!


Seer Sneer: If there’s two things the Dwarf-things excel at in the culinary arts it is their cheese making and beer-drink. It is a pity-shame Skaven have been unable to truly match the work of the Dwarf-things and so such precious foodstuffs must be take-stolen by their rightful masters. Although it does-doesn’t help that some Skaven appear to be intolerant to milk-milk...Still, serve-serves them right for having weak-inferior bodies!


Story Seven: I spent too long trying to understand what that man-thing was saying. I must be missing something as I only got Grimdark out of it...

All the same it was a nice refreshing little tale with luscious descriptions. I did enjoy the different quirks of the prisoners from the wine’s effects. I feel like more could have been explained but it didn’t take too much from this story’s charm.


Seer Sneer: There is an ancient ritual trial practiced by the Skaven of Eshin, it is call-named the Trial by Tea. An aspirant is led to a bare-bare room and is place-placed before twelve identical cups of tea. They are scent-told that all bar one cup contains a deadly poison and that they must choose the correct cup and drink from it to pass the test. In my time-time travelling the Under and Over World I spent some time-time with Eshin and I managed to learn the solution from an old Eshin master. All twelve cups are poisoned. The cup that isn’t poisoned is the thirteenth for it is-isn’t there. A true aspirant will scent-know to never trust tea he never made himself. Though I would nev-never stoop to such level to slip poison into my meals, unless they are a poor tipper. Also...I nev-never liked tea anyway.


Story Eight: There’s not much I can say that has not already been said for this piece.

It’s a hilarious series of adventures to find the ingredients for a drink and yet the author writes it to such a level that not only can I picture it vividly in my mind...I would more than happily watch the story if it were on the tellybox. With all the doom and darkness the first entries brought, this was a true delight. Well done, sir/madam, well done!


Seer Sneer: For the great-greatest ingredients one must travel far and face-face great dangers. Luck-luckily for me I have slave-things to fetch-gather such things, sure-sure most of them die horrible deaths but they had it coming for not being me. However, back-back when I was a younger up and rising Seer I had to find and discover many-many rare and potent ingredients. Whether it was hunting for the glow lure of the great fanged death-fish with Clan Skurvy, climb-climbing the peak of Mt Boom to pick smoked Narsk flowers, or competing with the famous Ogre Chef Joriik Ollgiver in a cooking contest for his magical ladle. For the last-last one it help-helped that Joriik’s wine had mysteriously been poisoned with sleep root...though I have no-no idea how that got in his wine...It’s a nice-nice ladle though...



And there we have it. I’m not too sure Seer Sneer truly got the gist of what he was meant to do...but now we come to the (not-so) honourable Seer’s decision for the fabled Edible Cup...Slave-things? I’m not hear-scenting the drum roll......better!

Seer Sneer: And the winner-meat of the Edible cup is...me. The Great Seer Sneer, culinary genius of Skavenkind!...What do you scent-mean ‘read the card’? It say-squeaks Essence of Lustria which must-must be a misspelling of Great Seer Sneer. It isn’t?!! First-first you drag me from Skavenblight on false-false pretences of a cook off where I, the mighty-great Seer Sneer would win and then...*poof*

Erm...*hides teleportation scroll* It seems the Seer has taken ill and has had to leave. It was decided by the Seer that the Essence of Lustria showed the art form of cooking, the balance of flavours, and the stress a chef must go through for the sake of a few gulps. Whilst the other tales were tasty in their own right, it was the Essence that truly was a dish/drink to savour.

 

I was still holding out for dozens of newcomers showing up and all voting for me! It could happen!

But I don't mind if it doesn't because the Turtle's story deserves it - congrats!! I'm looking forward to an unbearably cute contest theme next time.

I massively regret not voting for pendrake's "Wisdom of Cobern" - it super deserves to do better than it did and in hindsight it might be my favourite. All the entries were great though.

Everyone totally failed to understand the genius of my one as usual. Clearly it's you guys who need to change.

 

Everyone did really well.

Pretty inspiring for others to join in on these contests

 

Thank you!

As an aspiring author who is writing his first book as we speak, I am simply astounded by the fact that my story proved so popular with all the fluff fans here - I certainly wasn't expecting to get 2nd place in my very first short story contest (albeit close second after @thedarkfourth and @Y'ttar Scaletail, but second place nonetheless) and it's brilliant news for me that my writing appeals to my target audience so much (for it is a fantasy epic-type novel I am writing). I give a hearty thanks to all of you who were kind enough to write such constructive critiques for my work and rest assured, I will be making appearances in subsequent contests!

And indeed, congratulations to @Infinity Turtle for your landslide victory with your absolutely hilarious story - I look forward to seeing what theme you choose for the next contest!

 

*Chittering cackle* And to think I was meant to be the light-hearted comedy writer...

Anyway, very well done to not only the winner-meat but also every other entrant. I've said it once (and a few hundred more times) but the level of writing in these competitions has always remained impressive. I eagerly await the next compy!