Fiction A Whimper (January-February Short Story Contest)

[discomute]

A Whimper

Another day walking after many months, I figured this jungle would probably kill me. Everything had made so much sense when I left the shores of Remas. My heart was filled with the most self righteousness rage. The lizardmen had come to our lands. My two brothers had died in the war that followed. I was too old to enlist, so they had carried my family's honour. I had stayed behind and looked after their two wives and daughters. We all had girls.

The war my brothers had fought in had been short and bloody. We didn't know why they were there or why they destroyed the towns they did. Or why after so many victories they left as abruptly as they arrived. There was no official revenge planned, but those planning expeditions across the sea found no shortage of volunteers. I was promised everything to join this expedition, gold, jewels, honour. I didn't care about wealth or the glory. I wanted to kill them. To hack their heads off. The gold would go to their families. After I killed those evil beasts I could return home whole again. I could sleep again.

Well I can sleep now. After 18 hours of marching it isn't a problem. For months, or maybe years, all we do is march. I sleep soundly at night. Sometimes I think I'm sleeping on my feet. I dream of back home. I want to hold my daughter. I want to play with my nieces. I just don't care about this any more. I don't think anyone does. I have no idea how long we have been here. My guess is that we are lost. I could ask command but what good would it do? It's easy finding food in the jungle. So I guess we will keep marching until we find something. Or something finds us. I don't know what we were thinking when we landed. I think we assumed the lizards would meet us at the shoreline, after a swift victory we would storm their cities and leave rich. Or maybe deep down I thought I would die in battle trying to avenge my poor baby brothers. But either way I would be able to sleep again. Well, I guess that mission has been accomplished.

As the drizzle stops, the birds begin to sing. I take a large flat leaf and funnel the sweet water into my mouth. In the distance I can see the sun trying to break through the canopy. The smell of rain fills my chest. And onwards I walk.

 

[discomute]

4. A Whimper
Score: ???
Reasoning: Let me start by saying, I do like this piece, and at the same time I do not. Why I do not like it is for reasons not so much because of the content, but because of what it does.
I want more, and not because it's just that good (even though it is definitely good), but because I feel much more could be added to really make it that much more interesting. I find it an interesting take on the voyages to Lustria in the later years of the Warhammer World, especially from the view of a commoner/peasant. I can't in good faith say that I know what to score this one though, because of it's length, content, and the vague use of the Lizardmen as the reason they are in Lustria. I can see this one also being better used for a Lost Hope theme. All in all, I would read the story that follows this, or even the prelude.

Thank you or the feedback, yes I wish I could have expanded on it more. Throwing in Lizardmen as a setting rather than as characters was a gambit, I think it worked, but I respect if you didn't.

 

[discomute]

Story 4: A Whimper

- Another depressing one, and I have to say artfully crafted for how short it was. Great work.

- No names were given, but they didn't have to be. Reading this I was just listening to the short history of the character, the old man from Remas. I liked the idea of the Lizardmen attacking random spots in the Old World to reclaim lost artifacts, in fact this was the subject of numerous campaigns I played against my brother's Wood Elves (formula: in distant past, Lizardmen built artifacts in area that would become Athel Loren. Wood Elves live there now, but the Lizardmen are back to reclaim their stuff. War ensues). I figure that this is similar to what happened here, but the Tileans don't know the difference, and it looks random to them. So the angered natives go and mount an expedition. Maybe this is what founded some of the Tilean cities in the New World? Di Ranza maybe?

- Anyway, the story was short but chock full of detail from a poor footsoldier's bitter musings as he was trudging through the jungles searching for Lizardmen to kill. I would have liked to hear the rest of the story (maybe from the view of the chameleon skinks hidden in the treeline right next to the edge of the marching column...)

Spoiler: characters: story 4

Characters:
an old Tilean- from Remas, one of the city states of Tilea (an area near/one of provinces of the Border Princes)
his brothers- both died in the wars

Yeah, as noted this was a super rush job for me. Really hoping to put more effort in next time.

 

[discomute]

4. A Whimper

I like how this starts out from a clueless soldier’s story, learning that it isn’t just run in weapons drawn and fighting, to a story of finding peace inwards. Running in with a roar, and marching on with a whimper. Short, but I think perfectly paced and ended right where it needed to. It no longer matters if he finds the lizards. The character learns to enjoy the small things, as they are all he has left. Really beautiful story.

Thanks Bowser, I love it when people get the same message out of it as I did.

 

[discomute]

4 Another Whimper

“Reg?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re doing it again.”

Reg blinked. Bother. He was still in the bleeding jungle.

“You know you just said that out loud, right? About the bleeding jungle?” his pal Mortimer was looking at him with concern.

“Damn. I can’t seem to stop myself narrating my thoughts and my surroundings.”

“Don’t worry about it. Jungle turns us all crazy.”

“Did you hear all that stuff just now about how they killed my family and my unquenchable thirst for revenge?”

“Yeah I did mate, and if you really don’t care about your share of the gold, I’d be more than happy to…”

There was an uneasy silence.

“You know, actually, mate,” continued Mortimer. “Feel free to carry on monologuing. Me and some of the other lads were talking about it and we all reckon it could stand to go on a fair bit longer.”

Love love love this!

Funny and drops a hint I agree with... could go on for longer.

 

[discomute]

4 A Whimper
I can’t add much to the critiques here. I liked this a lot after the first read. After reading @discomute insight, I double like it. There is room for adding as much depth as the reader’s imagination can add.

The story is technically very well polished. We have another author who wrote precisely what he/she meant to, but who trusts the reader to take the story further.

Author evidence: This echoes @Slanputin 's Act of Cessation but A Whimper's downer ending is way too happy and optimistic for the psychedelic slann to have written it. So I don’t know.

Did my review of my own work influence you? Oh I feel dirty....

"who trusts the reader to take the story further." twice as dirty....

 

[discomute]

A Whimper:

This was a short, short story without a real resolution. The theme of vengeance is there, but it is never realized. Maybe that is what the author is going for? I’m grasping though. I also had a difficult time understanding why this guy couldn’t enlist. He was too old? But then he has a young daughter… I mean, unless this is one super old dude that found some viagra (or the herbal equivalent of it), I struggle to understand why his brothers went to war and he did not. Perhaps if he was injured or lame it might make a more believable backstory.

Yeah it was supposed to be an old man, young daughter style thing. It was supposed to hint that making a family to him had never been a priority. I agree though that reference was a bit too vague.

 

[discomute]

A Whimper

a so short story, that tells so much. The flames of wrath and revenge consumes lives, and all that remains are the regret and the futility of a poor choice. With the protagonist that goes toward his death, in a seemingly endless journey but at least in peace with himself. I liked it.

Thanks mate! Really appreciate the kind words.

 

[discomute]

Story Four: A Whimper: The author did a brilliant job bringing the protagonist and the setting to life in a vivid and compelling way.

Too short! I want more. This doesn’t have a beginning, middle, and end. The entire piece reads like an introduction. It built up my interest than let it go, like it was chopped off prematurely.

I think even saying an introduction is generous. It reads sort of like a fable you drop in conversation. "Don't be too hasty to go to war, because this one guy did, this is what happened" and it takes one minute to describe. A bit of a shortcut to a proper story. Alas, all I had time for.

 

[discomute]

Story Four: Hmm, interesting take.

This was a very very short piece, and yet i'm not sure adding much more would have really benefitted it much. The main character's thoughts were wonderfully crafted and the backstory were pretty well pulled off. The feelings of vengeance and the coldness of reality were very nicely done. In fact the last lines reminded me a lot of the poem sometimes referred to as The Little Fete by Li Po.

That said, the story didn't leave me with as great as impression as some others in this competition have. It was however, quite the different style in my opinion. Nice job!

Thanks very much and I will definitely check out that poem!

 

[discomute]

A Whimper
First time reading: A short story about a guy who wants vengeance, can't get it, and wishes that he had never tried. Don't make rash decisions! It is sad, because he is going to die and never see his family again. Is that it?

Second time reading: Ooooh.... I think there is a lot here that either I missed, or am making up. The reason why he can now sleep has nothing to do with his exhaustion, it is because he is at peace with himself. This ending isn't as sad as I thought. He will never see his family again, but only through this expedition has he realised they were the only thing that ever mattered to him. The last paragraph shows that he can even appreciate the beauty of lustria. He is in a much better place, though fated to die for it.

But, as everyone else said, way too short.

A Whimper was written by me when I was in study mode, having 3 exams right after the deadline. My own daughter (first) was due a few weeks after that (now arrived) and I was just totally over exams. I channeled how I was feeling.

It was a bit cheeky of me to put up the interpretations to my own work but it's always hard keeping anonymity when reviewing everyone's stuff.

The truth is that the story was supposed to be about interpretation one. Just something quick as without these deadlines I would stop writing. A simply story about biting off more than you could chew and regretting it.

It was upon rereading it did I discover the second interpretation (and added the last paragraph) so it wasn't deliberate, it was just there lying dormant in my story.

So I am not sure what it ended up being about, the interpretation as ennui was also a very interesting one.

Hopefully I will have time to write properly next competition but I guess time will tell!

PS. Bowser if you have read through all this I expect you to like every single post

 

[Slanputin]

I've been quoted in this, but the word are not my own. Madness.

 

[discomute]

I've been quoted in this, but the word are not my own. Madness.

No idea how this happened given I was copy and pasting... think I have fixed it

 

[spawning of Bob]

Madness?
No.

THIS
IS
LUSTRIA!

 

[Killer Angel]

Now that the dust is settling, I can reveal that I gave you one of my votes...

 

[discomute]

Awesome!

You know, I think you have voted for one of my stories in the past, possibly the last one (the skink who told war stories to get the city revved up). Wouldn't it be cool to see a breakdown of who has voted for all your comps, and who you have voted for? To see if you have favourite authors or readers?

Yeah, I know, impossible to do.

PS. Also everyone I have added comments to all the reviews

 

[Killer Angel]

Awesome!

You know, I think you have voted for one of my stories in the past, possibly the last one (the skink who told war stories to get the city revved up).

The Waning Moon!
Yes, it was one of my votes.

Wouldn't it be cool to see a breakdown of who has voted for all your comps, and who you have voted for? To see if you have favourite authors or readers?

Yeah, I know, impossible to do.

Indeed, it would be nice, but I don't know if it would be possible.

 

[discomute]

Indeed, it would be nice, but I don't know if it would be possible.

Even if it was possible, another question would be 'is it moral'? People may not like it, and scalenex would be right to want everyone to consent to their votes being given out... In of itself would be a massive task for our dear keeper

 

[Bowser]

PS. Bowser if you have read through all this I expect you to like every single post

Like button initiated. Targets locked on. Engage Like button. Like Button detonated. Mission successful.

Thanks Bowser, I love it when people get the same message out of it as I did.

I also love it when I get what the author was going for! Makes my review make so much more sense!

 

[Killer Angel]

Even if it was possible, another question would be 'is it moral'? People may not like it, and scalenex would be right to want everyone to consent to their votes being given out... In of itself would be a massive task for our dear keeper

Yeah, I see more possible downsides than positive results...