Discussion Origins.

[Otzi'mandias]

Long time no see guys. I have no excuse for my absence. Hopefully the next bit of story will make up for it.

Zlaqua woke in a cell. He wasn't particularly surprised - it seemed like every time he woke he was stuck in a small stone room with straw on the floor. The only clear difference between this cell and the others was the guard stood next to the wall. He was enormous, really fat. His armour was visibly straining to contain his huge gut.
Could he trick the guard into letting him out? It was one of those humans with the much darker skin, that he had heard of being once enslaved by the paler humans. Maybe he had some kind of grudge against them?

Humans were such stupid creatures. What kind of sentient life rejects its sacred spawnings?

"Human!"
The fat guy turned around.
"I require water and food."
"Oh yeah, a criminal on trial for attempted regicide gets a five star meal and champagne. Why even open your mouth, scum?"
Zlaqua was confused.
"Regicide? But I haven't-"
"Oh really?" the guard sneered. "I suppose it was your evil twin that tried to assassinate Her Royal Highness? Just shut up. I'm too clever to be tricked."
This must be a version of what Bralterakus had called "banter". He needed to keep it going.
"If you're so clever, spell autonomous. And then explain why they let a genius guard a low-risk prisoner."
"Look, deformed-son-of-Mr-Smurf-and-a-frog, this isn't my choice. I have to make money to fund my hobby."
Despite himself, Zlaqua was intrigued.
"And this hobby is..."
"Sculpting. At the moment I'm making a great big statue of me holding a sign saying 'Shut up and leave me alone'"

This guy could be hard to crack.

"What about my earlier question? About spelling? You cant do it can you?"
"What, spell aotr- ortan- uurtanm- that word? Easy. It goes L-E-A-V-E, M-E, A-L-O-N-E. Got it?"

Zlaqua tried to piece it together, and failed.
"I don't think that's how autonomous is spelt."
"No sh*t, sherlock."

Zlaqua racked his brains for something to say. Make it funny.
"This is Sherlock Holmes? I heard a joke about him in a bar. Watson and Sherlock are out camping, and Sherlock says to Watson 'Look at the sky, at all the beautiful stars. What do they tell you?' And Watson comes out with all this stuff about the power of nature, and mankinds insignificance when compared to it, and how the power of nature is the true meaning of life. Sherlock shakes his head slowly and says 'It tells me that someone forgot the tent'."

The fat guard snickered, but quickly got his face back into a mask of boredom.
"Wow. What a funny joke. You know another joke?"
"No?"
"You."

Zlaqua gave up and slunk into the darkest corner of his cell. The human had outbantered him.
Was there any other way to get out? No. The only way out was through the door. And the guard had the only key. Maybe he was looking at it from the wrong angle. Was there anyone he could count on to break him out? Not since Bralterakus' death. Unless... the vampire. But how could he put himself in mortal danger in a cell? Antagonise the guard untill he tried to kill him? And hadn't Kroak burnt out the tracking sigil? Unless he could actually defeat the Guard and escape, there didn't seem to be too many options for his escape. His idea of fighting the guard was beginning to sound a lot less stupid.

One small fast skink versus one huge fat guard. The odds weren't amazing, but they weren't awful either. The guards scabbard looked scuffed and damaged, and there were definite holes blasted through it, and the sword as well,presumably. The spear was also in dodgy condition, with large amounts of wood gouged out of its hilt.
Ok, a plan was starting to form in his head. Now to start it.

 

[Bowser]

Anachronisms and references to our own planet/species of human, the universes ar blending! Also Kick his a** Zlaqua!

 

[Bowser]

Also, I love the banter here. Actually somewhat realistic the qay aomw people just won't go along with it. Hey... Shut down. Listen... shut down. I was thinking... shut down. Really good depiction of a good guard. Was thinking about it just now and had to come back and re read it. Makes me laugh.

 

[Otzi'mandias]

Zlaqua clinked his claws against a bar. He was trying to subtly annoy the guard, but he just wouldn't react. It was getting to tge point when the tapping was beginning to irritate him.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
Clin-
"Stop that."
"Oh, ok."
Zlaqua stretched out backwards on his bunk, taking care to flick his feet into the bars.
Clink.
Zlaqua found a pebble in the straw and tossed it at a bar. It missed and skittered out into the passage the guard was stood in. The guard glared at him.
"Can I ask you a question?"
Zlaqua had a plan - insult the guard until he snapped and tried to kill him.
The guard ignored him.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
"Stop it." The guard was getting a bit cranky.
"Are you going to talk to me, then?"
"No."
"You look like the kind of person with Ur-gold to spare-" Zlaqua made a bulging gesture on his belly "-so do they pay well here?"
"No."
"I'm going to take a stab in the dark here, and say that because of your scintillating conversational skills, you are... single?"
An image of Bralterakus' explanation of human reproduction flashed through his mind, with the face and body of the fat man.

He tipped sideways off the bunk, his eyes streaming and his stomach cramping with panic.
Erase, long term memory, erase.
The guard looked over at Zlaqua's spasming form and sighed, before clumping over to poke his body with the hilt of his spear. Zlaqua was not happy. Inbetween dry-retches, he was aware that he was missing the opportunity of a lifetime. But every time he caught a glimpse of the guard, the spasms would start again. Luck had got him this far, perhaps he needed to rely on her to help him again now.
Against all reason, Zlaqua shut his eyes and felt the need to spasm slowly die down. He kept up a couple of fake ones, but without the constant visual reminder of that bizzare image - he shuddered again - he had control back. So when the spear butt poked him in the chin again, he twisted and wrenched it out of the guards grasp.
The blade spun as it was pulled out of the guards hand, and then the base of the spearpoint jammed in the bars. The wood was genuinely awful quality - it tore away from the blade and nearly clocked Zlaqua on the head. He watched the blade bounce back off the bars, and whispered a quick prayer to Tepok.

Tepok was not happy about that. She was the last surviving Old One, and she was having a bit of a hard time evading the four other gods trying to hunt her down and kill her. The last thing she needed was a skink begging for some near-impossible miracle.
Tepok appeared on top of a cloud and stealthily crept over to the edge. She was almost directly over the Bright Colleges in the Empire, which theoretically meant that she could answer just this one prayer before moving on. The sheer magical presence would hide her location for a while.
Tepok analysed the prayer, and realised that it was too late. The guard had moved his foot out of the way of the spearhead, and was running out of the cell block calling for more guards.
A quick bend of time later, and Tepok was two minutes ago. She quickly altered the physics of the spearhead, and for good measure made certain that the guard would crouch to look after his feet.
Tepok was going to alter the destiny of the skink - no one deserved that kind of fate - when a burst of blue light behind her reminded her of her own mortality, and she vanished before Tzeench could even spot her.

Zlaqua got a sudden feeling of déja vu as the spear snapped and the spearhead spun towards the guard. Then, in a move that seemed too fast for it to be dropping, it flew into the guards face and then shot into his foot. He howled and dropped into a crouch to try and protect his foot, forgetting how close he was to the bars.
The beautiful sound of that guard knocking himself out would never be forgotten by Zlaqua, who felt his mouth lift into a smile as he pulled the guard closer to find his keys.

 

[Bowser]

I mat be reading too much into this, but Zlaqua just got a new destiny. Did she give him a happy ending? Or is she one of those fiercer old ines who believe the best fate is to die in battle as a warrior? I really need to brush up on my old one lore.

 

[Otzi'mandias]

To be honest, I don't know if Tepok even is an old one. I just liked the name.
Oh, and Zlaqua was going to get a new, happier destiny, but Tzeench intervened. So much more bad stuff on the way for him!

 

[Bowser]

Oh good! Wouldn't want things to be too easy on the lad!

 

[spawning of Bob]

Emily-Llama was in the process of being tied up by a bunch of fat men in togas and about to be sacrificed to a huge giraffe with fish for teeth,

Aha! I have traced the trail of Llama spittle from the short story comp back to here, of all places. Proving that the Llama is the Stig! (or visa versa)

 

[Otzi'mandias]

Hey guys, I'm back! My phone got destroyed though, so there might not be a story for a while until I replace it.