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Army Fluff Tziruzitza's prologue

Tziruzitza
Skink

Tziruzitza

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After much contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that the best place to start is at the beginning*, so here is an introduction to my cast...

* nothing to do with the fact that this is all there is at the moment, nope...

EDIT: spoilered the bio's, for anyone who wants to wait for the stories :)

---

Slann of the Fourth Spawning, Tlazolo (Mind of fire).

Tlazolo is not its spawn-name, but was given by other Slann as a rebuke for its obsession with vengeance for the destruction of the old world. It still follows the great Plan, but whereas other Slann will ignore enemies and situations which have no bearing on the Plan, Tlazolo will act simply to frustrate the great enemy.

After an... incident in which Tlazolo's actions jeopardised a tiny fragment of the great Plan with a premature attack, its peers met in conclave and agreed something must be done. The wayward Slann was renamed as both punishment and warning, with the threat of eternal banishment for any breath of its previous name. It was also excluded forevermore from the highest conclaves, now simply given cryptic tasks to complete with no sign as to how they further the Plan.

This situation actually suits Tlazolo well, who is unrepentant and still prone to unleashing its hosts into battles which don't necessarily mean anything to the Plan. This, of course, is now expected by the higher Conclaves, which feed just enough information to Tlazolo to aim the rather crude weapon it has become in the elegant dance which is the great Plan.

Perhaps Tlazolo's greatest achievement to date is the development of a meditation pattern focussed on a rebuilt spawning pool in its temple, which aids its ability to recall its loyal servants from its memories. This allows it to reincorporate them significantly more easily and consistently than its brethren can with their own unaided methods, and means that its favoured servants are rarely kept trapped in the stars for long if they fall in service.

Skink Priest Tziruzitza (First to be born of the water)

Once first among the priests of Tlazolo, Tziruzitza's original name has passed out of even the long memories of the Slann. It died a thousand years before the world did, channelling an enemy's spell into itself to protect its master.

Forgotten, the priest was not amongst the first host recalled by Tlazolo, and played no part in the first stages of the Seraphon's unseen guardianship over the new mortal realms. It was first remembered when Tlazolo, exhausted after a particularly gruelling battle, entered one of its deepest meditative trances in the bowels of its temple. Deep in the ruins of an ancient spawning pool, long-forgotten memories stirred in Tlazolo's dreams, and a lone Skink, dripping wet, stepped out of the shadowy depths of the bone-dry rubble.

It is likely that master was more surprised than servant when the Slann finally awoke from its trance, as it hadn't intended to begin trying to recall the fallen, and the two remained in isolation for many weeks while both pondered this unusual turn of events. While its master honed its new meditation techniques, Tziruzitza learned as much as it could about the new world it found itself in. Its agile mind and instinctive mastery of magic quickly earned it a place among the innermost circle of the Slann's servants, and when Tlazolo eventually emerged from the depths of its temple, it was Tziruzitza who rode the right-hand arm of the Slann's palanquin.
 
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A second - and final - bit of exposition about my background...

EDIT: spoilered the bio's for anyone who wants to keep the surprise for the stories :)

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Tlanotlhuankai, the fortress-temple of the lost jungle.

Tlazolo's temple is the centrepiece of Tlanotlhuankai, a small settlement in a remembered fragment of jungle spun out of nothingness by magic and willpower. While some Slann work together, merging their memories to form realms containing hundreds of leagues of their ancient lands, Tlazolo is one of those who prefers the solitude of its own domain. In common with many of its brethren, Tlazolo's initial creation-memories were mostly ruins, but over the centuries it has slowly begun to remember parts of its realm as it was at its peak.

Instead of simply reshaping Tlanotl with each regained vision of the past, however, Tlazolo has chosen to manifest stone tablets of cryptic instructions for its priests to decipher. This acts as both a game for Tlazolo and fills the innate need of its priest's inquisitive minds, providing a welcome distraction for both. Tlanotl is therefore under constant construction as Tlazolo remembers different buildings at different times.

The settlement's inhabitants have become used to this situation, and it is not uncommon for the location of a ritual, training ground, or cohort's sleeping chambers to change every few months, as one building after another is partially or wholly torn down and rebuilt. This in turn has led to Tlazolo's host focussing more on acts than where they take place, and they are now masters at improvising locations for rituals and other events.

Despite this, the settlement is still growing slowly, hampered mainly by the lack of suitable stone for building with. The existing quarry, present since the instant this fragment of jungle coalesced out of the void, is all but exhausted, and Tlazolo has so far been unable to recall another with the clarity and certainty required to manifest it into reality.

---

Saurus Scar Veteran Garloqoqmazoq

Garmazoq, as it is called in battletongue, is a relatively new addition to Tlazolo's host. Once one of the deadliest of its warriors, it took many attempts before Tlazolo could remember it vividly enough for the dream to become reality. Garmazoq has wasted no time in proving its abilities since then, and now stands once again amongst the most respected of the host.

There are those who say it's successes owe much to the luck of the first incarnation, however, and maintain that once it has suffered its first death, its status will decline. Garmazoq seems unperturbed by these whispers, content to prove its right to lead by its unmatched savagery in battle. Most recently sent into battle in a series of raids against the Reavers of Prythium, it is currently being considered by Tziruzitza as the leading candidate for command of a secondary host.

---

So... A couple of questions:

Is there anything about this take on the setting that feels particularly wrong?

Does the use of "it" rather than "he" or "she" work, or is it too distracting?

Is there anything in particular you'd like to see expanded on?

I've got ideas already for the first bits of their story, but I'm always open to feedback!
 
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Is there anything about this take on the setting that feels particularly wrong?

Not to me. I keep reading things, and saying to myself, "yeah that makes sense."

Does the use of "it" rather than "he" or "she" work, or is it too distracting?

I almost commented last time but didn't. The "it" stands out because it is unusual in these parts. You have chosen "it" for a reason which might be just that you feel giant androgynous lizards are appropriately "it". I got excited because it made me think about the possibility that you were setting up a future "he" or "she" character and wanted the sudden contrast to be stark and shocking.

@Sealterbloind and @little-myth have made exquisite conversions and impressive backgrounds for some of their named characters. (Itza Chaq Khanx and Ataxa). They are also both ladies. I was always a bit sad that their champions were portrayed as male, although if they had been written as female, the internet would have exploded, I suppose. I have foreshadowed the possibility of a female slann in my stuff. She has been "lost" for millennia. I imagine when she is reunited with the other slann, they will ask "why didn't we know you were female?" and she will flutter her eyelashes and say, "you never asked..."

Assuming you want to do a normal narrative and don't have any bombshells to drop, the use of "it" has a couple of potential weaknesses.

  • Your sentient characters are "it"s. But the first time you want to write about a bull carnosaur or a sow stegadon, your livestock will get the far more easily relateable he / she.
  • Pronoun fatigue. I like my characters to have a name, a title and an easily recogniseable description, so that I can vary my word choice.
Ta'avik scanned the horizon. The temple guardian could see a column of smoke rising from the ruins of the chaos-sworn's fortress. The badly wounded reptile had no hope of contributing to the fight. He forced a smile nonetheless - the battle was already won.

These are all the same guy, identified unambiguously 4 times in 4 sentences. The only use of a pronoun was "he". "It" would have substituted fine for "he" but if he held a future dialogue with a gurl (I should be so lucky) about Skull Island, the distinction between he and she and the inanimate island ("it") means I can keep things clear even in long, complicated sentences without needing to use their names over and over. ("He felt that she had over-reacted - it was a lovely place full of the sounds of birdsong and decapitation")

This is your sentence: "Tlazolo's initial creation-memories were mostly ruins, but over the centuries it has slowly begun to remember parts of its realm as it was at its peak." Aside from using the same word four times in one sentence, 2 of them refer to the slann, 2 to the realm. ie multiple subjects in one sentence share the same pronoun = risk of being confusing.

Here is another 4 "it" sentence with the same subject for each. "There are those who say it's successes owe much to the luck of the first incarnation, however, and maintain that once it has suffered its first death, its status will decline."
Add a Y chromosome, and the sentence gains automatic word variety - "There are those who say his successes owe much to the luck of the first incarnation, however, and maintain that once he has suffered his first death, his status will decline."

  • The Knights who say "Ni!" will not be able to read any of your work aloud.

Is there anything in particular you'd like to see expanded on?

Always the weakness and fallibility of the heroes. The effect of a faulty memory, someone being remembered as brave and taking too many risks and endangering the mission, the lack of resources, the labourers rebelling against the pointless work. That is the good stuff - just put it against a back drop of glorious lizardy victory.

I've got ideas already for the first bits of their story, but I'm always open to feedback!

Are you sure about that? I should have a keyboard shortcut for the standard feedback disclaimer, I say it so often:

I love to speculate about where a story could go and there is a risk of me crushing your own ideas under the pile of stegadon poo that I will dump, steaming and fresh, all over your invitation to give feedback. If I ever get annoying, offensive to you or just get in your way, just tell me to back off. I cannot be offended (I just don't have enough self awareness for that).

That's about specific feedback. In general terms, telling your audience about your characters up front is a bit of a risk. You can lose the opportunity to let the character develop / degenerate or to let the reader form their own impression or get surprised.

Let me tell you about Trevore. He is utterly courageous, which led to his elevation to officer rank. He sometimes makes errors a and tales too many risks with his men and the Battle plan. Note read the story called "An Orderly Withdrawal" How dramatic will it be when he disobeyed orders and mucks up? Even if he salvages a good result i have still sacrificed a chance to explore the character flaw of reckless bravery. As author, I need to know about the character, but I also control how much is revealed to the audience and when.

I wouldn't say "remove the backgrounds now" because they are helpful in a world of really long unpronounceable names, but you can keep them vague. And Tziruzitza's origin story particularly could be done as a stand alone chapter / story for our reading pleasure.
Don't read this until AFTER you have a good vision of what you want to write. I would certainly have trouble not being influenced by it. origin story

Other general tips can be found here if you have a week or two to read them through. Feel free to contribute your insights or start a discussion over there too.

TL;DR SoB can't just write a simple reply. Except for when I wrote
spawning of Bob said:
I'm excited.
Click to expand...
 
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Wow... Where to start...

Actually, that one is easy - thank you! I wasn't expecting such a detailed response, but it's really helpful and certainly appreciated :)

The specific bits first, I think...

I was already having second thoughts about the "it" factor while I was writing the second part, but I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was. I put it down to the unfamiliarity at first, but you're absolutely right about the way it constricts the writing. I hadn't even considered the effect of subsequently referring to other critters as male or female, either...

And no, there weren't any bombshells planned, so there's no surprise to lose on that front. It (ha!) was simply because "well, they're not technically boys or girls, so... What happens if...". I'll think about it a little bit yet, but I strongly suspect the "it" will go the way of the Old Ones.

The more general bit... Yes, I'm sure about feedback on ideas as well as specific literary... Remember, girl, it's a family-friendly forum... "issues" ;)

I'm perfectly okay with people being frank with me, as long as they don't mind the same in return, and I definitely don't mind the inspiration to look at my plans from a different angle.

In terms of the spoiler factor, I know it's a risk. "Fear" (good stuff, by the way!), in particular, would have suffered badly from the spoiler. I tried to keep the reveals as short and unspecific as possible while still laying out the overview of my take on the setting. Don't worry, though: there are plenty of as-yet-unforeshadowed facets to come ;)

Finally, a return tl;dr - no problem, thanks, helped a bunch :)
 
I really like this concept of rebuilding a city/region based on memories! Will he remeber the florae and faunae correctly? The constant rebuilding allows for a lot of character building and story hooks.

As far as "it" assigning them genders based on how they see themselves. I had toyed with the idea of all skinks being referred to as feminine and saurus as masculine. Which may work for calling your Slann "it" as this is a mystical being almost godlike to your other beings. But as @spawning of Bob said assigning the pronouns lends more to the writing, and is easier to follow for the reader. Garmazoq could be called she, maybe with a traditionally Amazonian character style. Or maybe completely parallel to Kroq'Gar but is identified as she. Your narrative and descriptions will flow better.

So far it's quite good so keep going!
 
Hi Bowser - thanks for the vote of confidence :)

When I first read our new background, I liked the idea of the Seraphon being re-embodied memories, but from a storytelling POV it isn't really very useful for them to pop into existence, fight, and then disappear again.

There was hope in a few snippets, though - mentions of their "homes in the stars", and hints of normal life such as weapons being "made by skink armourers", things like that. Like Bob in his illustrated guide to the new fluff, I prefer to think of the " summoning the constellations from the heavens" stuff as figurative - myths of barbarian tribes in the mortal realms. Of course, it then begs the question, "so what do they do when they're not caving in skulls?"

My take? Well, you'll see more of that soon... No more sneaky spoilers, though!
 
Tziruzitza said:
Blank slates are good and bad in equal measure, for me at least - hence my asking for validation feedback about what I've got planned :)

One more spoiler, eh? Okay then:

Hah! Made you look :p
Click to expand...
What do you mean the princess is in another castle? Can't wait to see where that goes! :D
 
I lay awake a lot last night thinking that I had spoilered Fear without being sure you had read it first, and my post was on open forum, too.

I've edited my illustration to something not spoileriffic.
 
No problem; it didn't spoil anything for me at least, but it did perfectly illustrate the issue!

I was wondering whether I should do the same, but I think I've decided to leave it as it stands for now; it means in future you can point to me as an example of what not to do rather than risk spoilering anything else :P

Again, I'm really grateful for the feedback; I'm sketching out a couple of pieces at the moment, and one of them is Tziruzitza's origin. I think there will be enough in there to still make it interesting!
 
I considered mentioning him, but it would have taken too much explaining.

I am still hung up about it and

WHY ADARIS, WHY?. YOU WERE SO YOUNG, LIFE UNDEATH HAD SO MUCH MORE TO OFFER!
 
I think it is all on open forum. Probably @Kcibrihp-Esurc 's 3rd story, there was this guard with an elaborate backstory in the index. I think his contribution to the main plot was going "urk" as an assassin knifed him from behind.

He had such potential.

As for the Ardaris story that is PRIVATE. At least as private as an all caps shouting match on multiple sub-forums can get....
 
@spawning of Bob It was second story, and if you desire to talk about my fluff, either do it via conversation OR on the appropriate pages, Tziruzitza probably doesn't need to sort through people talking about different fluff on his fluff page, it's kinda rude.
 
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