Contest April-May 2016 Short Story Contest Voting Thread

Reminded me of this (@ 7:57, for some reason the forum won't keep the time stamp in the URL)

 

How the heck did that work in Japanese.

I like that he wishes his mom had named him Bob. Smart kid.

 

I suppose I should shamelessly steal Bob's set up and address the reviews on my entry here (though feel free to comment/ask more questions in the reposted story...when I get round to putting it up.)

Yeah...I wasn't a fan myself of title (which was kinda slapped on at the last minute.) Though in hindsight (and I don't think it was an intention), I liked how the title could mean several things. The obviously clear one is the protagonist's debate about being a memory and less of what he once was, but there's also his continual use of memory (or more accurately his lack of memory) with the Scar Vet's musings and wondering how real these memories even are. Another question could be if he actually is alive and just believes that he's a starlight leaking memory considering there's a lot of stress on his heart beating (probably not though. )

Can't say I disagree about the fight scene. I usually avoid fight scenes in favour of inferred death. As for the choice, I thought it was a tad forced but was actually a (probably too) subtle hint that he'd broken the programming. There is a reason why none of the other Seraphon seem to think outside the mission, why Tox is unable to remember memories about himself or his companions but all his memories on killing Skaven are far clearer, or why there is the continued mantra of "We are the Darkened Scale!" The protagonist is effectively a puppet under control of the unnamed "master".

Aye, I think you might have been right about that. As for how they deal with peace, their very (engineered) nature means that like the example war loving courtier (from Castiglione's Book of the Courtier) who despises the idea of dancing, when there is peace he is just shoved into an armoury until the time of war begins anew. That's the problem with how I see Seraphon, they've become even more disposable tools for the Slann that recreate them. The original Darkened Scale were likely more a collection of individuals that whilst still retaining the single-minded drive of the mission, would have been a lot more contemplative and unorthodox. The memory created Darkened Scale come off as a more blunt instrument that at the end is treated as expendable. Of course, I wonder what Tox would do now he's possibly free of the "master's" influence...

And yet you'd be surprised how many times alternative Ironfur's have bit it. However, as I didn't include what makes Ironfur the one antagonist I find terrifying, I didn't think it did him justice to be just killed off like that. It also would have made Kerzim a kill stealer and not an interesting foil for our protagonist.

That line made me panic and recheck if I had properly removed the original Skaven ally from the piece. XD

I agree. I just need to write my Chaos Dwarf crossover stuff, finish my main timeline fluff, write the lore for a UE campaign, and kill Whizz-Bang...then a second chapter will most certainly be in the works!

Nobody expects the Skavenblight Inquisition! At least I didn't. When I didn't feel right about the previous Skaven ally (who has been an Inquisirat in one reality) I went through a list of other characters who would make sense to go alone and be badass about it. Considering in most realities, Ironfur is hunted by the Skavenblight Inquisition for his experiments and plot to mind wipe the entire Seer Order (it's been inferred that a number of fellow Grey Seers have ended up on his work table to be...improved) I felt that it would have to be an Inquisirat. The choice then was between Commissar Gnawski, an pyromaniacal Inquisitor who is most famous for charging at the corrupted Horned Rat armed with only his birthday suit, his sword, and his bullet hole filled hat (it's a looooooong story) or Junior Commissar Kerzim who is overfixated on his martial abilities but otherwise has little backstory. Gnawski was far too obviously me.

The quote was all me. I did a little inversion of the religious lore of my priest character who is currently still alive in an rpg. In that world, my character's race had a Y'ttar the Seer (who was kind of a Nostradamus figure) and a Hrasssk the Dark King (who pretty much was what happens if you cross the negative portrayal of King Richard III with dark sorcery and becoming mostly demon.) Admitted, I think there was a good heap of unconsciously minded Yoda in the quote.

Both. Though I probably should have made the hints a lot clearer, his memories and personality have been altered. Whether this was to make him a more compliant and direct weapon or the 'master' didn't want to be bothered reconstructing Tox's memories and personality past what was required, is up for debate. Of course, he is a faulty memory because he still retains that glimmer of self and at the end actually considers working with a Skaven. Actually, I should spoil the ending and reveal that he did team up with Kerzim.

Heh...I actually didn't think of that connection until I came to write the review. I can see it though! And yes, Ironfur is a Seer but is part of the (Ratty created) sect that follow the path of technology. Kinda like how Thanquol claims to have made the study of humans his main speciality, I have several Seers divided up into groups with interests following the Greater Clans: The Iron Seers (Skryre), the Green Seers (Pestilens), the Flesh Seers (Moulder), and the Shadow Seers (Eshin).

 

@Y'ttar Scaletail - I made an attempt at writing reviews until the PhD gods dragged be back into the dark underworld of research. I just remembered yours was one of the chosen:

A Memory?

Immediately you’re hit with an existentialist vibe. Given my previous writing I can’t help but be somewhat excited whenever one of my forum writer’s delves into what may (dis)affect a Lizardmen/Serphon’s directions and persona. This theme was driven home quickly with a nice contrast between the physicality of the heartbeat/need to consume cadavers and the next paragraph’s contemplation of the protagonist’s ethereal nature. This physicality gives hope – they are real enough to deserve the moniker “alive”. In contrast, whilst the physical creates hope the mental produces despair – he cannot remember the names of the Skinks or Saurus; he feels isolated and unsure of his brethren. “I’m a memory of the Saurus I once was” – although on the literal side this seemed almost too brutish with its exposition, it has a redeeming dual-edge to it in how it echoes the real-life statement: “[subject is a} shadow/echo/shade of their former self”. Because of this I almost wish the Saurus didn’t have a name introduced as it would write the theme deeper into the story’s structure. For thematic consistency i give it a 5/5.

The above works to create a sense of malaise –whereas Saurus may not care for their life as they see themselves as pawns under their master’s great plan, here it’s subverted. Now they don’t care for life comes from the fact that “life” really doesn’t attach to themselves in the traditional sense. Though the end point is similar the foundations are different; where Lizardmen die for a cause, the Seraphon die in a more uncaring fashion because existence lacks meaning. Their masters and war have remained, but their ideology has changed. It’s a lovely descent into crippling nihilism. I'm unsure if this is the tone the author had aimed for, but it certainly dripped out of the writing.

One of my favorite mental struggles with this piece was how this fitted the theme. At first I was worried it was because 'Skaven = bad and back-stabby', and thus that’ll do to justify the theme. But then I thought that it was the Saurus – a Saurus considering his on existence? That’s a deviation from the Great Plan (or Great Game I suppose given the AoS setting.) But then came the Skaven inquisitor. The fact that he wasn’t the main character was refreshing, and his character overall was brilliant.

My main misgiving is first person – I’m not a fan so I'm nodding towards an obvious bias here. But it's because of the first person I find the storytelling too clunky at points. Making statement s like “and there was..” etc. jolted me from an engrossing semi-psycho-analysis in media res, to the fact I was reading fan-fiction online.

 

Good work, Bob - I'm enjoying your metacritique. Very interesting to hear about how you achieve clarity through redrafting - it's this kind of careful process that is really needed for a good structure, even if that's not what you were consciously aiming for! Also Y'ttar. Whose chief weapon is warpstone. Warpstone and vast hordes of expendable slaves. Two chief weapons.

Since it seems to be the big fashion now, I guess I will do a little explaining of my own about my entry, Chosen - even though every fibre of my being rebels against this kind of "telling".

METACRITIQUE: Chosen

Basically, I'm not sure if any of you understood this story. (Clearly that's totally your fault and I take no blame for it)

The idea came to me when I was working on my hopeless art comp entry, about the lizardmen origin story. I've always considered the Old Ones are pretty awful people for abandoning their world, but it suddenly struck me how close this origin story is to the classic anti-hero motivation of childhood abandonment. Then I thought about Mazdamundi and what a nasty piece of work he is, and it suddenly clicked! I said it in my self-review:

Mazda was abandoned by his parents. Clearly that's why he's so messed up. Everyone has always treated his behaviour as ineffable, but really he has the most human of motivations, and it's blindingly obvious once you see it. The people who made and nurtured him abandoned him at the most crucial moment, and so he's filled with doubt and self-loathing. As a consequence, he acts up, taking out his deep inner-rage on others and refusing to deviate one iota from the Plan that he associates with his parent-gods. (After all, aren't all parents sort of like gods to their children? They're both the best things in the world and the most fickle, the most devastatingly prone to betrayal).

So that's how the premise emerged. Then I introduced the idea that after all his rage and suicidal behaviour, he would, like all fatherless anti-heroes, crash. And be forced to recognise the reality of his abandonment. And be forced to overcome the enormous burden that this represents for all abandoned children. This has a nice dramatic structure already: premise (he's abandoned); crisis (he confronts the reality of it) and resolution (he finds the strength to overcome it).

NB: I was not abandoned as a child, so I actually have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm more drawing from tropes that I know in literature here.

Scalanex gets it:

Except....Scalanex doesn't get it...

I was disappointed that several people said "but this isn't how slanns are supposed to be":

Sorry guys, but you can't have a good story about someone who is completely unrelatable. My approach is always going to be slann/gods/emotionless scaleclad killers/whatever "alien" or "non-human" things are, when it comes right down to it, human. Having terse/unrelatable slann is fine if they're not the protagonist, but the entire point of this story is to show how something that looks to outside observers as bizarre/alien/inexplicable, is actually totally rooted in a very human character, one that is clearly dealing with a very human trauma.

Take Bob's comment - the whole point is that you're not meant to know the opening lines are about Mazdamundi until the end. You take this happy, carefree person, and immediately juxtapose it with the silent, miserable, eternally contemplating slann we all know, and then you gradually show how the one eventually turns into the other through a series of experiences to which we can all relate. Of course the slann we know don't rush around in exhilaration. But maybe they once did....

I liked Bowser's take:

Zlaaq was just supposed to be a device to remind Mazda that there were still things worth living for, and that the good things his "parents" did are not totally gone. The story is not really meant to be about Zlaaq himself, but it pleases me you took it that way! Also, how better to sum it all up:

 

Aye, it was at least my intention to show a dark side to the whole Seraphon issue that they can die and die again. In fact, I have to tip my hat at your previous competition piece of The Loom at the Threshold as inspiration for the "how alive are Seraphon" as well as the exactness of memory. It was also my intention to suggest that the slann might take a (at least to us) questionable stance on manipulating their reformed pawns to better suit their needs. It's not just that the Seraphon's existence is meaningless, but they might not even be able to be themselves, just robotic shells with perhaps a glimmer of memory of who they were.

Aye, why not have one anti-hero when you can have two!

Aye, I decided to write in first person present as a challenge as it's something I largely avoid. I had considerable problems trying to describe a hat and guns by a creature that didn't really know exactly what they were. With the original character it was more of trying to describe a stetson and a poncho. How in Hell-Pit do you describe that without dragging out too much description?! Well, I did have an attempt. So aye, first person is something very much out of my comfort zone. Also, I don't think you would like the original Skaven ally as I removed it because I felt it sounded far too fanfiction-y and silly for what otherwise was a dark and bleak look into what it means for a Seraphon to be alive.

 

See, he sounded like Spawning of Bob so I was rooting for him.

 

Why isnt this a video game boss yet?

 

Mecha-Nazis being more popular and British schools not really covering that area of history, I guess.

Spoiler: H'rassk's story

H’rassk the dark king – Most Avids avoid the use of Voorish magic despite caring little about Arcadians or Voors. To wield the power of Sarnath invites insanity and rumoured corruption. To Arcadians, these terrible side effects happen almost immediately. However, in the pursuit of power some are more than happy to cast away their minds, bodies, and souls.

H’rassk was one such Avid, who delved hungrily into the aether and was driven mad by it. Such Avids are usually put down by their peers (the Talons of Likhet often known for slaying these fallen Avids) but H’rassk’s power was too great and he almost destroyed the Talons as well as several other minor martial orders. Despite his madness and outward corruption (though it is debated whether H’rassk’s deformed state towards the end of his life was an invention by subsequent generations to further demonise him) he had some measure of clarity to not only depose the rulers of Sikaar but also cement his position as the self-proclaimed “dark king” (though once more the “dark” part may have been a more modern invention.)

In the end two Avids finally ended H’rassk's reign. Yungrev of the golden blade, who disarmed H’rassk of his evil blade and broke his armour and Wraan of the silvered eyes whose own magic shattered the dark king’s power. Though H’rassk’s grip was destroyed, there is little mention of his final fate apart from an old poem that mentions:

In Sarnath the realm of madness and despair
The once Avid king waits, his power to repair

 

Just so awesome! But yeah Mecha Nazis was the more popular choice. But Richard the third Daemon form should have been the entire plotline of a Final Fantasy game by now!

 

EXCUSE ME but I politely ask you drop the Chaos Dwarf crossover stuff, remove your main timeline fluff, burn your UE campaign, and let Whizz-Bang get off free. More Lovecraftian lore makes Slanputin happy.

 

Being compared to Tarantino was probably the greatest day of my LO fluff writing life!

This was kind of a poor development that ran out of time beforeI could properly edit it. I feel bad for @Scalenex whenever he has to deal with me!

This definitely needed a bit if an overhaul and a haircut. But I do appreciate the advice you gave me and am happy I wisely chose to follow it!

I was actually a bit surprised that their weren't a few more light hearted antihero stories, Deadpool and the coming Suicide squad with the fan favourite Harley Quinn, I thoughtwe would see a few more with a lighter tone. Give me a good western any day!

When I renamed this the Bounty it had a dual meaning, but probably should have focused on the bounty hunter, but nobody wants to write the straight man. The cheesy dialogue was probably a bit heavy handed, but I feel like most of it worked. And when you throw a lot of different joke style against the wall, you just have to wait to see which ones stick.

The pacing definitely suffered from the lack of ine more rewrite. I had it constantly switching perspectives, Scalenex suggested I keep the perspectives until they meet up, so running out of time I just copy pasted paragraphs together. Live and learn!

I guessed Slannputin, Y'Ttar, Bob, Tlac, Otzi, and Hyperboreon. I thought mine was fairly obvious, and tried to hide it by stretching out the way I wrote it, making the sentences less broken, but the jovial bloodletters was a pretty dead giveaway.

Agreed. The Mighty Slannputin has this brilliant way of writing a story that is inspiring to anybody learning to write. I too aspire write so well, just in my own voice.

I will go into more details when I repost the story.

 

missed a review.
The sheep jokes, I re read it as I was writing went to erase it, and it hust became funnier to me that I disliked the jokes so badly. The Slann ending I originally tried to hide in a spoiler as the AOS ending, while leaving the rest as a possible old world story. Once again Scalenex talked me out of a bad idea! I can't remember what he said exactly but it was basically just Age of Sigmar is better in every way, so just do that. I'm pretty sure that's what he meant anyway.

 

Reminds me...

@Otzi'mandias: I did throw out a few extra bits over at the UE about your piece. Unsure if any of the rats over there will join in. As i've said, there's not really many UE fluff writers these days.

@Slanputin: Thought someone'd really enjoy that. It especially helped that the GM is most likely an eldritch horror and has snuck in a lot of Lovecraftian mythos into the game, I was just returning the favour after one of the other players passed me an art link of a demonic looking aven with the intention of causing me to spend the next fifteen or so minutes creating a character and backstory. Git. I really do need to write something suitably eldritch...hmm...

@Bowser: Does Eli-Nesz want a showdown with Felrix?

@Killer Angel: Yay, Dwarfs!...I mean...foul Dwarf-things...kill-slay! Will have a proper gander later.

 

Yes absolutely! He may even name his weapon!

 

As long as it ends up like this:



But yus, I was at least glad there was one gunslinger in this compy.

 

Now for my real frustration. I couldn't work out all of the name puns in Bounty

 

Which ones did you put together?
Alternate names for Eli-Nesz:
Jun'Wain (John Wayne)
Y'stwud (Eastwood)
Bronze Sun (Bronson)
Master Sen (Masterson... which if he was a vampire he would have been.)
Wy'e'terp (Wyatt Earp)
Pyn-kyrten (Pinkerton)
And Doc 'Oly-dai (Doc Holiday)

 

Okay we are posting responses to critques here? Okay here goes:

I just love this review! And I'm sorry to hear about your failed attempt to rule the eastern mountains. Since it was entirely positive, I will move on.

Okay so first of all, I am curious if anyone else picked that it was a sword from Slaanesh? I hate being constrained with the pre-existing opinions of the dark gods, so I didn't want to specifically say that. I tried to drop hints by referring to the enemy as “the evil” and saying the sword was “purple hilted”. I figured as long as people got that it was the sword driving him crazy it would work, I just used the concept of Slaanesh and an launching pad for obsession and desire.

Ah yes, the erotic overtones. They sort of had to form part of the story. This Slaanesh sword is affecting the narrator to the extent that he is desiring/obsessing over Chosi. How would this play out in a character that doesn't even know what sexual desire is? Well firstly he notices every inch of him. And he wrestles him. The two are certainly erotic. As for the wrestling move, before my poor knees started to swell, I would routinely pull guard when my opponent would shoot, the hip bump was my favourite sweep, and the triangle choke my favourite submission. So they weren't supposed to be erotic per-say, but certainly that is a by-product over obsessing about someone.

Although I am surprised the erotic parts were totally missed, I do think Bob's interpretation is closer to what I intended. One theme that I tried (perhaps unsuccessfully) to explore is the notion of desire/obsession over someone who is subordinate to you in the military. It must be a very frightening thing to know there is an issue, but due to strict protocol, be unable to act on it until it it is too late.

And the ending. The entire time I wrote the story the narrator was supposed to kill Chosi. But it was weak. And it wasn't anti-hero. It was just plain villain. And so, despite having this story written on day one, it took me a week of playing with it. I tried to make Chosi evil. I tried a lot of different things, they weren't working. All of a sudden this came to me. And it fit perfectly. It didn't feel like I had “come up with a good ending”, it felt like I had “discovered what the ending was”.

I find it extremely interesting that Bob is left wondering if Chosi will pick that sword up. Did anyone else wonder that? Because that wasn't my intention. Chosi had misgivings about the sword to begin with. The narrator last act of killing himself was mad. But it was so mad it put an exclamation point next to how bad the sword was. Chosi is definitely not touching that evil sword of Slaanesh now! Reliable-Leader just used it to kill himself! There was one final question to mull over. But it was faint suggestion, that only some people would pick up on if they decided to think about what would happen next. The reason my last edit made them so specifically alone...

...it was a pretty mad act wasn't it? Put yourself in someone elses shoes, say for example the next person up the command chain... “So you're telling me that this Reliable Champion had been punishing you for a transgression, you come back and he is lying in a pool of his own blood. And you're telling me that he drew his own sword and stabbed himself?” Would he believe that? Would he inspect the sword? Would he pick it up? (And I think this story only works with Lizardmen, because Humans for example would not believe that. And would pick up the sword. I think it is a real question that only works for Lizardmen, especially Saurus. Quite possibly they would believe Chosi, and let things be. They did just kill a chaos army after all.)

Haha no worries #pretendsnottocareaboutvotes

Well the important thing here is learning to craft our writing, and understand what works and what doesn't, so not-voting is fine, I appreciate the feedback. And thanks for the complements of the wrestling scene, it was hard to write.

Okay so you didn't like the ending as it was confusing. Well that is interesting. From my perspective the sword was clearly evil, and he was being slowly driven mad by it. By him deciding to kill himself to "be together forever" with it. The anti-hero part fitted because it was supposed to be clear that he had done the right thing in the end by taking his life (before he did something worse) and no way Chosi was going to touch that sword now. So although it would be best if he let a slaanesh sword lie, at least the cost was only himself in the end. So that was why I thought he was an anti-hero.

And, yes, how could I not be tempted to use the term “precious”. But I resisted.

Yes, I agree it did become something of a dream like state, which sort of worked. Thanks for the complements regarding the ending, though I've discussed it already in this post. And as previously mentioned, yeah the dirty overtones were there, in the form of a desire the protagonist doesn't recognize and can't deal with.

Incidentally, wrestling is a great way to build strength, and the erotic nature of it wasn't my doing. To prove that, have a look at this 1 minute 30 video of the move in question: a hip bump into triangle choke.