Contest January-February 2016 Short Story Contest Voting Thread

[pendrake]

I apologize profusely to the author of story 3 and the readers, but only just did I restore the missing half of the last sentence. I've been pretty scatter-brained lately because of all the sleep I've been not having. Vote changing is still enabled. I don't know if Story Three would have been in your top three but I think I severely damaged the piece by accidentally omitting the conclusion.

I started at the bottom and have not gotten to story 3 yet.

 

[Xholankha the lost one]

Your kindergarten spelling trap has only caught you four likes.

Quite a success, really.

@Scalenex, errors happen, so don't feel too bad. And if it helps, I decided to give it a vote even when it ended with "covered in filth."

Temple City is the lizardmen equivalent of "Tom's Diner" - hypnotic and compelling.

*Trap clangs shut!*

 

[discomute]

It took me a while to decide, but I voted for:

The Serephon Legend
I hate Serephon. Shoot me if I ever write anything on "Age of Copyright". But the author did, and wrote something rather compelling. It gripped me and I remembered it. It was the first story I selected. I thought it was win the competition, or come close, I have to admit I am rather surprised where it sits in the voting. I do think they were all good, but I want the author to know I think he deserved to be among the leading vote getters.

A Fractured Line.
This was the second. I liked how overt it was. It is very uncommon of me to say that. Generally I like subtly in my stories, but it took the theme, wrestled with it, produced a simple but entertaining story. I think I might have been swayed here as I predicted (correctly) that it wouldn't amass a lot of votes, but I really felt that it was a great story.

Now the third story took me a while to vote on. In the interest of total honesty, it was because I felt my story deserved the vote.... how arrogant! I am very glad I took the time to think this through and not vote for it. In the end I went for:

A Day in the Life of a Temple City
Simple and quaint, I like subtly in a story, not trying to demonstrate huge themes, but is a nice read. I really like the uniqueness of what the author has attempted. I also felt it wouldn't get a lot of votes, due to the lack of "war" in it, but for whatever reason it captivated me.


So there you go. An apology to those that I wanted to vote for but couldn't.

 

[Bowser]

It took me a while to decide, but I voted for:

The Serephon Legend
I hate Serephon. Shoot me if I ever write anything on "Age of Copyright". But the author did, and wrote something rather compelling. It gripped me and I remembered it. It was the first story I selected. I thought it was win the competition, or come close, I have to admit I am rather surprised where it sits in the voting. I do think they were all good, but I want the author to know I think he deserved to be among the leading vote getters.

A Fractured Line.
This was the second. I liked how overt it was. It is very uncommon of me to say that. Generally I like subtly in my stories, but it took the theme, wrestled with it, produced a simple but entertaining story. I think I might have been swayed here as I predicted (correctly) that it wouldn't amass a lot of votes, but I really felt that it was a great story.

Now the third story took me a while to vote on. In the interest of total honesty, it was because I felt my story deserved the vote.... how arrogant! I am very glad I took the time to think this through and not vote for it. In the end I went for:

A Day in the Life of a Temple City
Simple and quaint, I like subtly in a story, not trying to demonstrate huge themes, but is a nice read. I really like the uniqueness of what the author has attempted. I also felt it wouldn't get a lot of votes, due to the lack of "war" in it, but for whatever reason it captivated me.


So there you go. An apology to those that I wanted to vote for but couldn't.

This is brilliant! I really enjoy reading the thought process of where the votes went!

 

[spawning of Bob]

Aha! Got another one.

Acceptable losses - no big deal.


following on from Discomute. I hate competitions and voting, mostly because winners means losers - and there are none here.

Even better than the vote you can't give to every story you like, is one or two sentences to the author to explain why you liked their work.

The creative intellect needs appreciation, just as the desert flower needs not to get stomped by camels.

 

[Scalenex]

Scalenex Imparts his Heavy Handed Opinions Unimpeachable Wisdom

Usual disclaimer: in most cases my critique negative paragraph is bigger than my positive paragraph. I liked each and every piece. I am intending to provide constructive criticism.


“The Fractured Line”: I like the imagery a lot in this. I also like that this piece played up the alien non-human aspects of Saurus culture and kept them relatable. I especially liked the wounded disposing of the infected dead. I also liked the effective mix of lengthy descriptive paragraphs with one-line paragraphs for emphasis.

Only two things bothered me slightly on this piece, but I recognize these are both personal biases that other people might not share. One one-line paragraph I did not like was “Then change.” I almost contacted the author about that before posting but 1) I thought that might be rude and 2) I was swamped with getting nearly every story in this contest at once. I can see how some people might like literal, short and to the point, but to me, it seemed a little blunt and clunky considering the theme. The theme just fine without directly invoking it. Another mild is that this struck me as an exposition rather than a story, and I prefer character driven pieces over exposition, hence why the suicide task of the wounded Sauri was my favorite part.


“Out of Formation”: I liked the evocative description. I really liked the description of the transformation from Lizardmen to Seraphon. That’s a fairly clever story concept (and it was cleverly used by several people). The battle description were vivid and captured an Oldblood’s single-minded focus on a battle well.

I feel like the piece was a bit too short. Even if you run with the idea that Seraphon are holy otherworldly beings, the transformation from a creature of flesh into a creature of spirit should be terrifying. That’s a lot of wasted narrative potential in my opinion. Another thing that bugged me was the limited view. I never why the Oldblood fought his foes or what he did between fights. I recognize that an Oldblood would not worry about the “whys” of what he is doing so it was probably deliberate, but a big picture guy like me wants more. That’s why I rarely write about Saurus protagonists myself.


“A Day in the Life of the Temple City”: I liked the way the author expounded on the day-to-day tasks of a temple city. I liked that the continuity was tied to the rising and setting of the sun. I could easily envision what was going on.

Besides my incompetent editing of this piece, the main thing holding this back was a lack of interaction. I know the piece was mostly narrative I would have liked to see individuals interact with each other to deal with an everyday problem. Ideally highlighting differences in approach between Skinks and Kroxigor or Skinks and Saurus. That could have tied into the story’s continuum and added a bit of conflict, even if the “conflict” is not violent or dire. Kurt Vonnegut said every character should want something in a short story, even if it’s just a glass of water. Using this short story rule, you could easily add some everyday situations and minor conflict to add substance to the piece.


“Blasphemy”: This piece does a fantastic job capturing the rote and blind obedience of the Lizardmen without losing the reverence angle. The age-old archetype of the old curmudgeonly master and wide-eyed apprentice humanized the participants in these alien rituals. I also like that it focuses on the routine actions of Skink Priests, something relatively few people write about it. I also like that the piece well captures the terrifying power that a Slann can wield even when they barely lift a finger.

I don’t want to get clunky here. Whether the author knew this or not, the author wrote this piece in third person-limited perspective. The narrator was an outside observer but the story focused primarily on the actions, hopes, and fears of the young acolyte. Even though we as the reader are modern humans well accustomed to Western Civilization, Lizardmen as a rule are not. Extreme example. Aladdin was set in a fictional medieval Arabic fantasy city but somehow the genie made celebrity impersonations of American actors who would not be born for 1000 years. That bugged me. Outside a comedy, you don’t want to have references like that. Dracula is not a GW character. Even if you have a vampire named Dracula in your own GW setting, a Skink Priest who never left a Temple City would not be able to follow a reference to Dracula’s crypt. That broke the spell knocking me out of the acolyte’s world and transforming me back into a guy reading a story. I recovered and was back in the story and enjoying the startlingly casual Slann. I think the use of “OK” was too casual for my tastes. Even “okay” would have been better. “Get a grip” wasn’t great as it’s a colloquialism used by humans that I cannot easily picture Lizardmen using.


“The Seraphon Legend”: Naturally most L-O short stories are from a Lizardman’s/Seraphon’s perspective. Human perspective stories are common as well. Stories with a narrative focus on someone who is neither man nor lizard are both rare and precious. In past competitions we had a Dwarf, a Fimir, and a Skaven. This gave us a dwarf and an elf compared with a human for grounding. The varied views were the meat and potatoes, grubs and potatoes, meat and ale, blood wine and potatoes of this piece.

I would have liked a few hundred more words. We got three excellent disparate descriptions of the Seraphon, but I really liked the interaction between the three unlikely partners in crime and craved for more. The author implied a lengthy and interesting relationship between the trio but it was barely alluded to. I always was never 100% sure which culture the elf came from though I’m leaning towards Dark Elves. I want MOAR but now the author Scalenexed the trio so we can’t see them again barring a prequel and I’m not a huge fan of prequels.


“The Loom at the Threshold”: I like this piece a lot. The characters are relatable and the transition from Lizardmen to Seraphon is masterly laid out in all its chilling detail. And the downer ending is excellent. It invoked horror and fear despite the fact that no one died (well depending on your definition of “death” and “life” maybe everyone died). It’s very hard to write metaphysics into science fiction or fantasy without boring the reader and this piece did a masterful job explaining the metaphysics while keeping the story and inner conflict going.

My main misgiving was pace. I thought this piece was a little too slow and a little too long. I’m not like Bob, I don’t normally do a word count on every story, but I counted this one. It was over 200 words over the limit. Now I don’t want to get fussy over it but when I stole the contest format from Ratty Gnawtail, I used his established word limit of 2000. I thought that was a bit low when the first winning piece was above this, so I raised the limit to 2500. Ever since then I’ve been plagued with doubts. I’ve wondered if 2500 too long for a short story, especially when you can expect a reader to have at least five or six other pieces to read. To reach its full potential, I believe this piece needs a haircut. The rule of thumb in a short story is that if a sentence doesn’t advance the plot or reveal character it doesn’t need to be there. I would truncate the descriptions of the physical setting. I would shorten the dialog with the Skink Priest given that the Slann rehashes the same ground and the Slann is more important. I would shorten the Slann’s descriptions a bit. Slann don’t often stoop to addressing inferiors. Nearly all official canon has Slann being terse speakers. This Slann was a bit winded. I don’t know if “frightening spell/”no it’s not actually a spell” debate really added anything either.


Changing Times: This was probably my all-time favorite Tzeentch story ever. It felt like Tzeentch but it avoided the normal perhaps overused Tzeentch trope of “Ha ha I betrayed you! How dare you betray me!” The villain protagonist’s corruption and ambitions seemed believable and creepily relatable. The battle descriptions were vivid and exciting too.

When you use a name like “Xxlacc” I want the first appearance of “Xxlacc” to have a phonetic spelling. It’s fine to have an exotic name but when I read it in my head I translated Xxlacc into “Too-Many-Consonants fired blue lightning from his hands.” Also, I’m pretty sure Xxlacc was a human Chaos sorcerer, but that wasn’t clear to almost halfway through the piece. One, an exotic name like that implies a Lizardmen, Daemon, or Skaven or something far removed from humanity. Two, the piece jumped around narrative views very fast and very often. Lizardmen/Chaos/Lizardmen/Chaos. I enjoy switching viewpoints in a story but you probably want to have at least two paragraphs with one character before switching viewpoints, at least until the end of the piece climax. Speaking of switching perspectives. In a story that is essentially “Xxlacc versus the Lizardmen” it was complicated by the fact that the Lizardmen included the distinct named entities of Lord Huinetuinichi, Bascillious, Sro-Lax, and Qupakoco. That’s too many characters to keep track of in a short story. The overstuffed cast and overly rapid viewpoint transitions suggests that the author tried to squeeze a novella into short story.


Sunblood: Like multiple pieces in this contest, this story covers the transition from Lizardmen to Seraphon. This is the opposite of “The Loom at the Threshold” in that it focuses primarily if not exclusively on the uplifting aspects of the transformation. Well-polished and with excellent word choice, this story creates very evocative imagery. I really liked the end. It captures the essence of a Slann’s tempered nature without explicitly stating that a small smile on a Slann is the equivalent of a human jumping up and down and screaming with glee.

Not only is this a mirror image of “Loom” with an opposite tone, but I have the opposite complaint. This barely goes over the minimum word count. I would have liked to see more verbiage. Another paragraph or two of exposition would not be amiss at the beginning. Also given the author’s excellent ability to invoke imagery I wouldn’t have minded a few hundred more words describing the transformation and the initial reaction to it. The ending doesn’t need padding though; the conclusion is too good to change.


Certainty: This piece does a good job mixing the alien and human aspects of a Saurus leader and fleshing them out to the reader. I like that a fairly straight forward thinking person has to cope with contradictions and cognitive dissonance, perhaps for the first time in his life. Then it ends with a nice neat conclusion “I do my duty anyway because what else is there.” I like the chilling twist ending.

This one is unique unlike nearly every other piece, this one was one submitted early. I saw multiple drafts of this form, so I struggle to say how this could have been made better because I already discussed those things with the author. Here’s what I got left. There are a lot of contextual details missing. I know the Saurus is ignorant of the greater context of what was going on but we the readers could use some hints that the Saurus fails to puzzle out. Also if the author played up the violence a bit the twist ending could have hit the reader’s emotions slightly harder.


The Monument: I was going to write in the second paragraph “I already thought the Terradon riding Chameleon Skink makes no sense” but then the story took the lampshade off the unusual Chameleon Skink by providing an excellent backstory explaining the bond between the Skink and the Terradon. I don’t think Terradons spawn in pools, but one should never let canon get in the way of a good story. Also, I took extreme liberties with Chameleon Skinks in my own work, so I’d be hypocritical to bash this. I really like the lesser traditions embedded in the piece. The passing down of weapons and the teaching of the trades.

While plenty of authors have told good stories using fewer words. I would have liked to see more text, more black text at least. The flashback is well over half of the story by volume and it holds 90% of the story’s juicy bits. I would have liked more development in the present in order to make the events of the past more poignant and meaningful. You could also go the opposite direction. If you are going to make the core of the story about the flashback. Just make it almost all about the flashback and leave out the blue text altogether and have one paragraph at the beginning and one at the end that is in the “present.”


Sun Turns the Gears of War: Well first off I always get warm and fuzzy when someone uses a Lustriapedia term that I invented in their fluff piece. This piece focused on a collective of Lizardmen but focused on Niyol. The author managed to show the collective without having way too many characters cluttering the narrative. I really enjoyed Niyol’s resourcefulness out in the desert. It was an interesting twist to show Beastmen as victims.

The story could have perhaps used a better title. I don’t have any better ideas off the top of my head, but the title is not a great fit. The piece ran a little long. I would cut out the discussion about tamed dinosaurs used by the city. That didn’t have any bearing on the story’s conflict, theme, or mood. There was a little bit more repetition then needed. Okay Niyol gets blacklisted for not completing the Trials. Then he explains that no one listened to his report to another superior because of his lack of Trials. Then he discusses how and when to do his Trials. That’s a level of sequencing you don’t need in a short story. It should be a very quick move from “My lack of a Trials is causing me problems” to “I’m taking the Trials so this doesn’t happen again.” The Trials is the grubs and potatoes of this piece, not the lead up to it. A hair cut on the sequencing and dinosaurs would allow a little bit more words to be thrown at making the Beastmen sympathetic and/or playing up the cold pragmatism of the Lizardmen “Well, victims or not the Old Ones say they have to die.”


Now to figure out how I'm casting my votes...

 

[Bowser]

I definitely enjoy reading the reviews! Makes me go back and read the stories to see if I can see what you're seeing! Still all good reads, even on the fifth or sixth read through!

 

[spawning of Bob]

2 more cryptic guesses.

Its a who? An old, blood soaked veteran with a new twinkle in his eye.

He was weft behind when he started his cwoss stitch.

 

[discomute]

I think that most have figured out that "Certainty" was mine. And since it is too far back to influence voting, I might just comment on it.

Thanks for Scalenex's feedback. Although I love reveling in subtly, I think the story perhaps went too far, especially in a format like this when people are reading multiple stories at once. I think failing to spell out the themes was the issue with it.

For the record - I couldn't give the readers the greater context of what is going on with the Slann, as I want them to wonder if the Slann are actually "clever strategist masters" or "random as batpoo" or anywhere in between.

The idea is that Tlazgar is starting to doubt them for the first time, which is something that a Saurus would never do. It was easy when he fought chaos or undead - lets kill. And the story opens with Brettonian allies now foes - but why? Who is the bad guy? Things get more complicated when you realise that the Slann sent him and his army to the furthermost place to Lustria to fight the undead, they won, but they had no way of getting home, no food... yet through him they managed to. So it all turned out alright... did the Slann know it would?

Finally if both sets of elves need to be eliminated, surely it would be best to let them fight first, then clean up the survivors. This hammers home that most likely the Slann aren't perfect. But of course, there could be more elements at play. Tlazgar (and the reader) will never know. But it seems obvious.

Nevertheless he just cannot make things click that he should perhaps start questioning them. It isn't how a Saurus operates.

And, yeah, I really feel that I was unable to make that come across. As scalenex mentioned, mine was very early, as I have moved house and still don't have access to my computer. Most of what I do is on my iphone, I couldn't finish a story there. Ah well, the fun of deadlines

 

[spawning of Bob]

Ha ha ha. Good attempt, but Certainty was actually mine, with some help from Gummy Bears.

My cryptic guess proves that I know it was mine:

Acceptable Losses - refers to this story above all others.
No Big Deal - is a swipe at Discomute's Blood Bowl avatar

Oh. Fine. Take the credit. I'm keeping the bears.

I had recently read all of your other published stuff on Lustriapedia, so I was 85% sure I could see your hand - it was certainly well enough told to be you. Your skill of putting the reader inside the characters head was what clintched it for me.

I don't think you have anything to apologise for. Scalenex had to say something critical because... Well, because. I got the themes without needing help. Maybe it helped that one of the other stories had a tactically inept slann, and yours just portrayed that as a doubt, not a certainty.

I took from it that the old blood was fully aware of the tactical madness of his masters' strategic directions, but that he drowned his concern in blood. That was holding just fine, right up until the moment you depicted in the story.

I wonder how he will be as a commander from that point on. Less spendthrift? Rebellious like the general in Out of Formation ? Indecisive?

I like being left with things to think about, so the story is a winner with me.

 

[discomute]

Interestingly the story started as a blood bowl player who was getting too old to play, and struggling to understand the point. Then I realised they don't age, those damn Lizardmen. So i played around with the concept.

Ps. Yes I did get that cryptic remark. Also that you posted it right after I confessed to having entered

Edit - also I like your interpretation. After all what could be really do? No option to leave the service and join Wall Street. I wished I hadn't of spoken as I think I like yours better

 

[Xholankha the lost one]

i might as well mention that i wrote changing times, little more info on it later, but pls PLS! critique into death

 

[thedarkfourth]

Although I love reveling in subtly, I think the story perhaps went too far, especially in a format like this when people are reading multiple stories at once. I think failing to spell out the themes was the issue with it.

I couldn't disagree more with this comment (and Scalanex's critique) - I agree with bob. You can NEVER have too much subtlety or ambiguity. I actually really like this piece and its intricate thought processes - for me what it lacked if anything was not context or clarification, but action. You're *telling* the reader what this guy is thinking, you're not *showing* it in what he's doing. The latter is (famously), a much more effective way to convey complex emotions and thoughts. In this sense, if anything, you're not subtle enough. But I did love this story despite this, and I'm particularly a fan of your fluid and elegant writing style, one of the best writers stylistically in the comp imo.

 

[spawning of Bob]

Shoot me if I ever write anything on "Age of Copyright"

My guess was made easier after you said this- I could rule out half of the entries.

You confirmed my guess by being first to like my clue.

But the all time easiest guess was the mysteriously reborn Oxytol.

critique into death

With relish. And fava beans.


So... If I said my story sucked, would @thedarkfourth come and pat my hand and tell me it was OK?

Come on Donny Darko! I resurrected for a reason - what are your views on the other stories.

PS I love it when you say "I couldn't disagree more with... Scalanex" Say it again with your Antonio Banderas voice.

 

[spawning of Bob]

To try and understand the mind of Bob is to look into a realm of madness

Better book up the psychiatrist couch, because here is Critiques Episode IV - A New Hope.

Last comp, you couldn’t get me to shut up. This time I am struggling for enough harsh words to fill out the required number of critiques – we are all that good now. It’s like we are all experiencing some continuous change, you know, sorta like evolving…yeah, evolving.

I wrote this bit before doing a final analytical read through of all of the pieces, but I recall that none of them had spelling and grammar issues which jolted me out of suspension-of-disbelief, and only one slowed me down eith trying to figure out jumpiness in time, space and viewpoints.

I don’t know if we will find out, and I don’t think he would tell which ones, but I think a significant number here have benefited from the @Scalenex editing service and taken advantage of his recent bout of ill health which prevented him from doing anything other than strikethroughs from doing anything other than giving helpful technical advice.

Even if yours didn’t need the treatment, there is a good chance that you have benefitted from reading his feedback to others or yourself at different times. I think I’m pretty good with these word-things, but he pulls me up from time to time – for which I am grateful.

Fun Fact: I hate comps and votes. I generally judge my own story‘s technical quality by the number of errors that Scalenex finds. This comp marks the first one where I have run the gauntlet unscathed. Probably because I entered at the eleventh hour, he had several others to proofread and he was at death’s door at the time. I may go into retirement while I am still on top.

General comment. Every story here articulated the theme without making a stretch. Given the flux that is the Great Plan right now, this shouldn’t be a surprise. Even where writers chose the same general theme idea, the similarities and differences made for some interesting comparisons of different authors’ points of view. TL;DR The breadth of ideas from any subset of L-O authors never disappoints.

Here come critiques, if they can be called such, in Boblogical order:

Clutch One - Continuities
When I first started short story comps, I thought I would use them as a motivator to add another chapter to the Bobiverse. But disguised eggshell wearing lizards are hard to, well, disguise. It’s not impossible,as Scalenex has proven, but it wasn’t practical. The closest I have come to doing this is testing out how well I can express an idea that I am not sure will work – like skaven time travel reset-when-you-die buttons. This was practice for a plot point in a future big story, which I am still 50/50 about including. Just changing history is easier, and GW has set a precedent for trampling all over canon. Grrr.

The first three authors I am critiquing have snuck out a new chapter in their continuities hoping that no-one would notice. I am onto you!

Sun Turns Gears of War
This is a tricky one for me to critique. I recently (after voting) discovered the identity of the author and that this story was part of his continuity. (Sadly I didn't have a chance to guess first)

I am giving him extra marks for being sneaky, because now that I read it again, I can recognise all of the characters (with changed names) and the setting. Given that I was planning to write a short piece into the author's continuity I will need to go back to my notes to make sure I don't contradict the new things he has revealed..

The author already knows how much I like his unique perspective. After the reveal, make sure you read his other works and encourage him to do moar.

I didn't note any technical flaws, making this a useless critique. Sorry.

The Monument
I’m pretty excited about this one, too. The prequel was my top pick in another comp, and I hadn’t read a lot from the pen-man since then. The original left me with more questions than answers. This sweet bit of texture, which actually fits minutes after the first episode, has stilled my objections about terradon riding chameleons. The only remaining question is “where will he go from here?”

From a technical standpoint, this guy just doesn’t make errors (it could be his proof-reader, but I don’t think so. You could learn a lot by looking at how this guy just makes up things to fit his narrative, and just slips them in casually. At the rate he is making up new botanical species, he will soon own the Lustriapedia. I have been casually copying this ability for the last 9 months.

Scalenex had a bit of gripe about the amount of flashback, and I think his concern is warranted. By my calculations, if his real time narrative goes forwards by just one more day, the flashbacks will actually reach back into the time before the creation of the universe.

Physics. You just can’t fight it.

Changing Times.
I’ve read this three times so far. No Bob cameo. Just some well-spoken skink attendant with a bald spot. Why did Qupakoco get depicted as a slann, and I got demoted?

After episode one of this continuity, I wished for moar, and I wished for answers. I received my wishes. Now I regret that I didn’t ask for a pony, as well. Damn you, Santa!

Good characters, great descriptive work, a well executed battle and an ambiguous ending. If the author suddenly decides to go into retirement, I will cry.

The first episode was a bit bumpy in terms of pacing and balance. Problem solved this time – maybe because each point of view was shorter, and they accelerated to the climax.

This was definitely the hardest plot to follow – given the flipping points of view and large numbers of characters. But I learned to read such at @Kcibrihp-Esurc 's twitchy feet so it didn’t bug me at all. A row of --------- between perspective shifts would help those who have not already had their minds shattered by the Master of Dramatis Personae. (For the record – I like Esurc’s stuff more with every re-read. When he has finished annihilating Australia at cricket, he might bless us with more. Please?)

I think this one also had the most simple errors and omissions, for example the human was carving through daemons like a scythe through wheat, but he neglected to bring his sword along to that sentence. There were a couple of other things, like the human remembering slashing the throat of the man who had abandoned his dad, which were not quite clearly explained enough. If the author asks and promises to repost it, I will do a detailed proof read. But only for Gummy Bears.

The sudden drop into profanity and real world racism and sexism probably pushed this too close to the edge of family friendly – which is a forum rule, not a comp rule. I understand that the sentiment may have been a good match for the portrayal of the human character, but I hope this can be wound back in a redraft (Scalenex will probably allow a late edit in this thread too, if you ask. More Gummy Bears required)

That said, this author’s skill is improving exponentially, and he / she / it is someone / something I am watching closely.


Clutch Two – Transitions
I despaired when I read the Seraphon Battle Tome. There was no real context to hang characterisation from – given that I believe character comes from little struggles and minor decisions, not major battles. Your character is already locked-in before that part of the story happens, and star sparkles have little to drive them between battles.

I have been proven very wrong by writers such as Bowser and Tziruzitza who have got into the heads of the new lizards during the off-season.

I still think that the twinkly future gives little scope to write history changing narratives (because there is not a feeling of time’s flow in AoS, and the ebb and flow of fortune seems to follow no fixed cycles) But, hey, the best stories are about people with a back drop of great events, not the great events themselves.

The Comp Theme was always going to draw some stories about the Change-of-Life, which I will now start calling “The Lizopause”. The event is heralded by hot flushes and violent mood swings. Isn’t that right, @Mr Phat ?

Sunblood
I was about to write, “this was one of my top three.” But then I remembered it was in my top five. I hate comps. I hate votes. I love this work of art.

The author of The Monument makes stuff up. The author of Sunblood does research. Said it before, the blend of arcane and technological is fantastic. Kudos to the exponential power of lots.

It’s hard to clamp a technical complaint on this, but the final paragraph payoff (which was very good) could do with good stern look to make the ideas flow into the mind of the reader without the need for too much interpreting. It says:

“All the while, almost imperceptibly, the Mage-Priest watched, his serene features disrupted only with a small, nostalgic smile as his favored servant once more took battle to their ancient enemy.”

I’ll forgive the dishonourable omission of the “u” in “favoured”, but I hit a speed bump on the “comma almost imperceptibly comma”. The sentence was already pushing too long for one sentence, and the “almost imperceptibly” (referring to the watching, I think) was too close in meaning to the “small, nostalgic” which referred to the smile only one phrase later. I got confused enough about the subject of the adverb that I started the sentence over rather than read to the end, and I lost the full impact of the punchline. To me, the whole sentence reads better just by dropping the “almost imperceptibly”.

This is taking the art of nit-pick to new heights. Two words to change in an otherwise perfect narrative? Last time I only found one.

Even if it had not had an almost-imperceptible-to-anyone-other-than-Mr-Fussy flaw, my top vote, allocated on the basis of setting a mood, would still have gone to

The Loom at the Threshold
This thing is hard work to read. So much is hinted at rather than exposed to the light of exposition. The words of the protagonists don’t always have much meaning until later happenings give it to them. If you haven’t read this thing at least twice, you are probably missing something. I’ve read it at least 4 times and I know I am still missing things. But I have full confidence in this author that he knows exactly what is going on in his personal dystopia.

The unknowns become an uneasy back drop to an unsettling journey of discovery.

Unless I am wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the fire swamp this author used to bleat about how he couldn’t write dialogue because he had trouble separating character voices. I say ehkt to that.

Technical issues? I’ll try to detach my awe some time and look for little errors. I recall there were a few, but I can’t put my claw on them now.

Out of Formation
At its heart, this piece has a closer connection to the mechanics of war gaming than all the others. I might not be able to directly connect to the main character, but my table top figurines would all be nodding (if they had the ability) as they relate the story to their own cruel reality - an incompetent general and poor deployment. Your models may not have this problem. Average level, unimaginative painting is something else mine deal with on a day to day basis.

The story challenges the concept of Seraphon as robotic killing machines and gives me more hope that individual character traits can sneak into the potentially boring cycle of appear / kill / disappear.

I couldn't spot any particular errors that needed correction.


6 more story critiques to go and then I am planning to include some bonus material for those who can be bothered to watch past the credits.

 

[Scalenex]

@Scalenex editing service and taken advantage of his recent bout of ill health which prevented him from doing anything other than strikethroughs from doing anything other than giving helpful technical advice.

I can also take long baths, drink lots of hot tea and misplace my car keys in my increasingly cluttered apartment.

The sudden drop into profanity and real world racism and sexism probably pushed this too close to the edge of family friendly – which is a forum rule, not a comp rule.

I don't have a problem with this. The un-family friendly stuff was used by a fictional character (and a despicable villain) to boot in the heat of battle. People tend to swear in battle. As long as it stays out of discussions between people, even people who are not on the forum (like GW employees) I'm okay with. Most of adults or bright adolescents. As long as we act like adults we don't need a zero tolerance policy on profanity.

 

[spawning of Bob]

It's no biggie for me either, really. But I consider Daughter of Bob, age 13, who enjoys the fiction here, as my benchmark. I know she has been exposed to worse on TV and in recess, and the time of me saying "you can't watch that because I don't want to explain..." are long gone, but the sentiment can be portrayed more subtly without too much effort. For everything else, we have mahrlect.

And were you really trying to tell me not to swear while taking about GW employees? When I first joined L-O, I thought "Cruddace" WAS a swear word.

 

[Bowser]

I love getting insight into the reader's mind! These critiques are brilliant! Can't wait to read the rest. I may even try to emulate this myself. My qualifications you ask? I'll have you know that I placed in the top twelve of the last competition! The hardest part will be not critiquing my own too harshly! But then again I may not.

 

[Scalenex]

The hardest part will be not critiquing my own too harshly! But then again I may not.

That's probably the best cover you have is to mean to own work. @Y'ttar Scaletail always said he hated his own work so it came easy for him. I always thought Bob didn't judge his own pieces harshly. He didn't judge his pieces softly. You can generally spot Bob critiquing his own piece by his critique being terse.

 

[Killer Angel]

All in all it wasn't so hard.
My tactic was to read 'em all, and let them decant in my mind for a week. The ones that left a more vivid memory, are the ones I choosed (with two of them a couple of steps ahead).