Time to add my two cents, or whatever Lizardmen
use to denote small amounts of currency in lieu of copper coins.
We had a mix of Lizardmen and Seraphon. We had a mix of narrator perspectives. We had a mix first-time writers, fairly new writers, and seasoned veterans.
I’m trying to write things I like (easily found) and places I think there is room for improvement (sometimes hard to find). Hopefully this will encourage the writers to look at their work and inspire them to make even greater works later. Also, hopefully some writers will be able to draw insight from my comments on other writers. Don’t be discouraged by my second (or in some cases third) paragraphs. While every piece has room for improvement, they are all excellent. I mean that most sincerely. This batch of contest entries was amazingly good.
1. Fear: I like that it was fairly short in length but still told a fully complete story. I like short and long stories for different reasons, but I think horror stories are better or at least easier to write if they are fairly short in length. The story masterfully executed the simple idea of making the fearless into something fearful. Perhaps I’m reading too much into but my thought was,
he was fearless because he fought for his lord and his kin. Duty kept him fearless. Now he didn’t have that anymore once his duty was fulfilled and he was essentially left to die. It wasn’t the dark he was afraid of. It was a lack of purpose and being alone that scared him. The dark only served as symbol of his true fears.
I wanted to see more than just his fear or lack thereof. The character would have been even better if the writer also included his hopes and aspirations. Without that and without fear, the early character really had no depth at all. The first two thirds of the story covers his lack of fear over and over again but it doesn’t cover his bravery. Bravery involves fighting
for something. I think if the writer developed his loyalty, duty, and honor more than the Temple Guard would have been more relatable, more
human if you will. That’s what separates good horror from great horror. The reader/viewer should care about the suffering characters. The protagonist was far more interesting after his injury than before it.
2. Tunnels: What I liked about this piece is that it took a risk right off the bat. This is our fourth contest, and generally stories deal with Lizardmen perspective or human perspectives. Humans are easy because all of our forum members are human. Both writers and readers relate to human experience. Lizardmen are
relatively easy. While the perspectives the various Lizardmen are alien to us, we have lots of practice relating to them on Lustria-Online, or at least talking about how to relate to them. Out of 39 short story entries in four contests only
three pieces that have attempted to use someone other than a humans or lizard as the protagonist. That’s less than one per contest. This story managed to tell an engaging horror story, include vital elements of Lizardmen and still capture and maintain the essential essence of the Skaven mindset. I approve-like this piece and say it is quite good-good.
I also liked the unique take on Sotek. I’m going to guess before reading this piece, 95% of readers expected Sotek to be a titanic monster dwarfing a Carnosaur in size. This piece made a much smaller Sotek seem just as scary. If anything, this Sotek was
more scary because a smaller Sotek is harder to hide from. More like a velociraptor than a T-Rex.
This piece could have used more polishing. I happen to know this piece was written by a non-native English and barely made the deadline. I did clean it up the grammar and spelling a bit, but beyond that I think a little bit more structure could have things. How many Skaven did they start with? What clan were they involved in? What was so important about the tunnels? Why did the characters get drafted into such a dangerous assignment? A little bit more exposition and framing would have helped a lot.
3. Trial of Cuezaltzin: When writing a Lizardmen perspective (or any fantasy/sci race really) the greatest challenge is to make sure that they aren’t too human or not human enough. Too human and it feels like a guy in a lizard costume. Not human enough and the reader won’t care what happens to this…thing. The writer did an excellent job balancing the relatable and alien aspects of this character. This made the story engaging and exciting. Well-polished as well. I don’t just mean spelling and grammar, but the word choice and sentence structure was evocative and enhanced the depth of my visualization of the story. I happen to know that this writer views this story as a “Part One” and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we all look forward to reading more exploits of the fiery Skink.
My main misgiving is while the piece was very enjoyable to read, it played fast and loose with the theme. I didn’t really pick up spirits or horror in it. It followed the classic hero rises to greatness despites opposition plot we all know and love but was not particularly horrific or spiritual. I also think the fact that this is written as a piece of a much larger saga means it loses some of the essence of a short story. It doesn’t have a clear beginning, middle and end because it was not intended to end just yet.
4. The Ghosts We Have: I like this piece a lot. One my of favorite Seraphon pieces yet. I find it addresses the Spirit of Horror on the nose. I like that the story was narrated by a teenaged human peasant girl. In my opinion, horror stories usually work best when they involve sympathetic, relatable,
ordinary characters dealing with horrible situations. I like that the Seraphon seemed alien and scary even at the same time seeming holy and angelic. The writer capture both “Spirit” and “Horror.” Well-polished with excellent word choice that expertly portrayed the first-person narration. I could easily hear girl narrating this in my head.
This hard to pick fault at. While the story construction is good. I kind of want to know more exposition. There are a lot of minor plot holes. Where did the Necromancer come from? What did he want? Why didn’t he just destroy the whole village at once, they could have stopped him. Why did the Imperial authorities only show up AFTER the village was no longer being attacked?
5. The Days of Terror: I like a classic story about hapless treasure hunters, but more than that, I got hooked with the assassin. I really like the idea of unique creatures. Not every Lizardman that spawns, Skaven mutant, or Daemon has to be one of hundreds or thousands near identical beings. Unique beings always tickle my fancy.
The word choice was excellent. I liked that Sro-Lax was was described yet the writer kept his abilities vague and unknown enough that the horror that the horror wasn’t lost. The writer never stopped developing the motivations and perspectives of the humans. I like the contrast between long expeditionary paragraphs and very short ones like “it leapt.” That’s a good structure for keeping the action and suspense up.
My problem is the Daemon. It was well-written and described, but the Daemon didn’t really need to be in the story at all. Well cursed treasures can always use a Daemon or two, but the writer had a well-balanced between the perspectives of a very human group of treasure seekers with complex motivations an intriguing literally one-of-a-kind Lustrian creature. Then you throw in a third side and the carefully crafted balance of the two perspectives falls apart. You aren’t sure who to root for or what the horror is. While three-way fights are great for longer stories, they are a little too much for short stories making them somewhat convoluted.
6. Rat Poison: I liked this a lot. On the surface it appears as a garden variety “Lizardmen versus Skaven” story. Brave warrior protagonist, horrible odds, loathsome foe, pre-battle tension, all the good stuff. It already stood apart from a standard battle story by doing a great job mixing the human and alien perspectives of the Saurus protagonist. Then the story rips off its face and shows the horror beneath with its shocking violating twist. My favorite part: I’m still not 100% sure if the protagonist dealt with a legitimate evil possession or if the Skaven drugged the protagonist and caused him to flip out and attack his lord.
I would have liked the protagonist to be developed a bit more. He didn’t have a name. He didn’t have a descriptive title like “the fiery Skink.” On a related note, I would have liked to know a little bit more about the protagonist’s backstory beyond “he was a great warrior.” I know Sauri are warriors-born, but I think this protagonist was a little too reptilian and not human enough for my tastes. I wanted him to be a bit more relatable. A
little bit more evocative word choice would have helped this piece a bit, especially for the horror angle. While “smells” were clearly important to this piece, I think it could have used more “odors”, “scents”, “aromas”, and “stenches.” Word variety is both more interesting and more nuanced.
7. The Serpent’s Eye: I was curious when I picked the contest theme about how many writers would decide to make Lizardmen the oppressors and how many would make Lizardmen the horror victims. Quite a few writers chose to make Lizardmen the source of horror, but this is most the unique take on Lizardmen as the external source of horror. Of the twelve pieces, this one probably had the least emphasis on pain and death, yet it was among one of the most horrific. Madness is hard to write well and this was well-written indeed. I like the contrast between the suffering protagonist and the high spirits of the other Humans around. Morbid freak that I am, I
always like stories where the survivors seem to suffer more than the dead.
This story is hard to pick at. Part of the things that I don’t like are tied very closely to the things I do like.
I have to know so many things. How did the man hear a Skink address him in perfect Riekspeil (or whatever his language was)? How did the man even know about Sotek? What do the other Humans think about this weirdo shouting out to a Lizardmen god? They mystery makes the story intriguing but without
some explanation the nagging questions challenge my suspension of disbelief somewhat.
8. Fool’s Gold: Similar to “Serpent’s Eye” in that in it involves unlucky Human explorers in Lustria. Similar to “The Ghosts We Have” in that it involves a well-portrayed organic first-person narration. I liked the character’s voice. While lots of these pieces had good horror, here I sensed
Knoppel’s horror specifically. I also liked the circular ending linking Knoppel to Olivander. That’s a common ending style in horror movies and it worked well here when in written form.
The framing device was good, but it could have been better. I thought this piece could have been a bit longer, especially at the beginning and the end. I think the story would have been enhanced in poignancy if you characterized Olivander’s weirdness and brokenness at the beginning to better highlight Knoppel’s symmetrical fall at the end.
9. Midnight Run: This story is very similar to the “The Ghosts We Have.” We have sympathetic, relatable, ordinary human characters dealing with a horrible situation. Both are extremely excellent Seraphon pieces. One has a brother-sister centered relationship and the other daughter-father. I can’t help but compare them. While both were excellent. “Midnight Run” was certainly the scarier of the two in my opinion. “Ghosts” portrayed the Seraphon as remote and ambiguously holy whereas “Run” portrayed them more as bestial and terrifying as well as remote and mysterious. Sure they are fighting the Daemons but at best the Seraphon are indifferent to
you. I like the fact that the ending here left it uncertain whether the protagonists were saved or not. I also liked that the protagonist seemed far more concerned with his sister’s well-being than his own.
While this was scarier, “The Ghosts We Have” had a more relatable protagonist. The descriptions here were very evocative and scary but I would have liked to see more of the protagonist’s soul. He certainly had brotherly loyalty but he didn’t have a distinctive “voice” the way the protagonist in “Ghosts” did. Still, I’m not sure how to implement are more organic voice for the protagonist here without losing the scary. I like the narration in “Ghosts” but that relied on an after-the-fact recall of events. Because she’s telling you the story past tense with a reasonable perspective reflecting back on it, you
know she’ll survive which blunts the horror. I’m sure if
this protagonist had time to tell this story in a leisurely way we would hear more of his voice, but then we don’t have the horrific ambiguous ending. A catch-22. I am not sure which I like better of the two sister pieces and it’s driving me figuratively crazy.
10. Whispers in the Wind: I like the fact that the writer chose to have a small group of Lustria explorers. Usually stories of this nature either have a small army or a single haggard survivor. This story ran smoothly with organic group dynamics which kept me engaged the whole way through. I really liked how the story used the jungle as a foe. This story not only invoked horror well, but it could have easily fit into last season’s theme of “Man versus Nature.” Natured is scary. I also liked the twist ending: a Slann with a kitty.
This story was one of the last submissions I received. I gave it a quick edit for spelling, but it could have used some more polishing. I know the story was somewhat rushed and this probably couldn’t be helped, but I wish the transition into the end was developed more. The Human groups adventurers flowed at an even pace then BAM we are talking to a mighty Slann with very little segue between the two parts. With more time the writer could have put in a smoother transition into the end.
11. The Last Slann: The story took on ambitious scale. Rather than trying to create a horrifying situation, it created a horrifying
world. It was epic and engaging. Slann are alien and immensely powerful. Considering the difficulty involved in doing so, this made an excellent attempt at protraying a first-person view from a Slann.
The downside of having global populations die or become tainted is that it feels abstract. In an apocalypse story, normally the viewer/reader isn’t sad because 99% of the world is dead, they are sad because of what happens to a small group of people. One death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. Despite the scale of death and undeath, this piece was not quite as horrifying as when bad things happened to individuals or small groups.
12. Secrets of the Southlands: Difficult to judge a comic on the same rubric as short stories, so I’ll judge it on what I think a good comic should have. The pictures and rendering looked good. The necromancer was well-developed as a character. The comic was well-paced.
What was missing? Apart from the necromancer, the other characters didn’t reveal much depth or character. Pages 2 and 7 had too much text and not enough pictures/action. Generally in comics you don’t want more than a quarter of the surface area of a page filled with text unless you want to highlight a character as being long-winded. Page 3 was borderline too wordy but the non-traditional panel layout paired with the evocative facial expressions more than made up for it. Still, six out of eight pages avoided Talking Head Syndrome is pretty good all things considered.
